/ 



THE THREE-ACT 

FARCICAL COMEDY 

TOO MOCH JOillfSON 




BY 



WILLIAM GILLETTE 

1 1 



Copyright, 191 2, hy William (Jillkitk 



^J^hns?n"'' ^JiiSI-''^?"fi a^l^^^eby warned that -Too Much 



Ne>v York ^ London 

SAMUEL FRENCH j SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd. 

^u»^'^«HER 20 Southampton Street 

28-80 WEST 38th STREET I STRAND 



THIS IS WHO IT IS 



MR. AUGUSTUS BILLINGS ^\ 

MRS. AUGUSTUS BILLINGS 

MRS. UPTON BATTERSON ' y^ 

MR. FRANCIS FADDISH 

LEONORA FADDISH 

HENRY MACKINTOSH 

JOSEPH JOHNSON, Esg. 

MONS. LEON DATHIS 

FREDERICK 

PLRSER 

STEWARDS BOY 

SELLERY LOOTON 

MESSENGER 



»^ ^ •:« •^ 
THIS IS WHERE IT IS 



\ 



ACT I Cabin of Steamer "Tropic Queen" leav=. 

Ing New York for Havana 
ACT II— Room in Johnson's House near Santiag^o 

de Cuba 
AC1 III Next Morning in the same place 

*> *^ ♦ »> 
THIS IS HOW IT IS — 

ACT I~J0MN50N ! 

ACT II -JOHNSON ! ! 

ACT III JOHNSON !! ! 



gCI.D 284G5 

HO A 



I 

o 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Saloon of steamer — staircase in 3 a little 
R. of c. and obliqued considerably down stage 
from L. to R. entrances at top of staircase from 
R. and L. Fassageivay of rigJit of staircase. 
Passageway off left of staircase — passageway 
L. 1 E. three state-rooms from passageway l. 1 e. 
to passageicay up stage l. The two loiver state- 
rooms only used — viz. 70 and 72 — the latter 
being down stage. 

PEOPEETIES.— 2 smm round tables— siviv el 
steamship chair either side of each fable — 07ie 
table over near r. 1 e. — other table over near 
L. 1 E. Several newspapers and books on each 
table. Cabinet between stairway and passage- 
ivay R. with empty medicine bottles, etc. 

BEFORE RISE OF CURTAUST— ^/^6r about six 
bars of the introductory music, begin noise of 
ship leavijig port, viz: shouting of orders, wheel- 
ing about of baggage truchs — banging of trunhs 
— drawing of chain through pulley-blocJc — and at 
the same time steam whistle blowing loudly 
every now and again. 

Continue noise, after curtain has risen, until 
dialogue begins. 

MUSIC. — Kept up ff. until dialogue begins — then 
drop to pp. until Faddish's EXIT. 
3 



4 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

AT RISE. — Steward's Boy enters from passageway 
up L. ivith steamer trunk on his shoulder. He 
crosses to the stateroom r. 1 e., leaves the trunk 
in there, comes out again and exits up staircase. 
Faddish 7iow enters from l. down stairway, and 
as he comes on stage looks about in all directions 
anxiously for someone. When Faddish is ivell 
down L., Dathis enters from r. alone from stair- 
ivay — looks about a minute as he comes down- 
stairs sees Faddish and goes down to intercept 
him. They meet c. Faddish tries to pass 
DATi-fis. Dathis prevents him. 

Faddish. Excuse me — I — ha, ha! — I'm looking 
for someone, (trying to pass Dathis) 

Dathis. (stopping him) I am also looking for 
someone. 

Faddish. Yes, yes. (trying to pass him) 

Dathis. (stopping him, and ptdling out of his 
pocket the top half of photo of a mans face, show- 
ing only the top of the head) Wait, if you please. 
You will kindly tell me your name. 

Faddish. Faddish, sir. 

Dathis. Fad-deesh. (looks at Faddish sharply) 

Faddish. Yes, yes. (trying to go) 

Dathis. One moment — Mr. Fad-deesh! (glares 
at Faddish as if he has doubts. Then suddenly looks 
at photo comparing it ivith Faddish — looks at head 
then photo then head — then front) (takes off Fad- 
dish's hat and again compares him ivith photo. 
Faddish stands thunderstruck) It is not heem! 
(puts Faddish's hat back on his head again and 
moves rapidly away to staircase) But he shall not 
escape me ! (stops at foot of stairs — then goes toward 
passageway r.) I will search from one end to the 
other. (Exits hurriedly off passageway R.) 

Faddish. (Faddish watches Dathis off in aston- 
ishment, leaving hat on his head just as placed there 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 5 

hy Dathis, icitliout readjusting it) He must be a 
detective. I'm glad I wasn't the man he wanted! 
(Noise outside of trunks hanging and rattle of trucks 
and chain.) (Faddish starts and looks about) 
Where can Leonora be— and that young Mackintosh ? 
I shall complain to my sister about that boy ! He's 
made me more trouble — but when the ship starts I 
shall be rid of him— Dear me, I must — perhaps 
they're — yes — I'll look on this side. 

(Exits through passageway at L. 1 e.) 
(Music stops.) 

(Leonora a7id Mackintosh enter l. from stairway. 
Leonora comes down first and stands at foot 
of stairs on L. Mackintosh follows down and 
stands at foot of stairs on r. They both stand 
staring motionless, looking in different direc- 
tions in absent-minded way.) 

Leonora, (pause — after holding picture a mo- 
ment) Oh, Harry. 

Mackintosh, (pause) Yes. 

(Noise of trucks, etc., outside.) 

Leonora, (starting and looking at Mackintosh 
—turning to him) Don't you think they're going? 

Mackintosh. I don't know, (he does not look 
around) 

Leonora. Oh it's cruel! cruel! (on his shoulder. 
Steam tvhistle blows outside. She starts and looks 
up at him) There. Did you hear that? 

Mackintosh. No ! What was it ? 

Leonora. It was the whistle. Why, you must 
have heard it, Harry. 

Mackintosh, (looking front, shaking head in 
absent, stunned sort of way) No, How can I — hear 



6 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

™:fol'::!; "I '"''' «'-g--!>en you a.e-.eaving 

(Steam whistle hlows again.) 

afraid you'll be left^ ^ ^ ^^'^"^ ^ -^'^^ 

Mackintosh. They'll ring a bell 

B^1t^r;inje^ '^'^ ''''''' -^^P^oringly) 
Mackintosh. I didn't hear it 

getting ashore quite a while ago. " 

(Mackintosh moves as if to r/o.) 

frovopT'"'; , «•'*«"& «.^hore. Then I must 

l.EONonA. (stoppmn htm) You mustn't go- 
Haio-you mustn't. I can't bear it. (her head 
agmn down on his boson, in desperate grief) 

Mackixtosh. Leonora, when you are gone-life 

">1 be so barren-so desolate^that-I-I can't 

"lEOVonT ^'^ fr/°''T'^ I """'t endure H!! 

MACKiXTOsir. What have I got to live for? 
yo.U-^:!!L27^'^°"'''^-"-' Can't you-can't 

MackixXtosti. For you. (tuminn to her) 

Leoxora. Oh! Of course YOU can't! But do live 
some way! won't you, Harry'? 

Mackixtosh. Down in this country, they 

s'ome old 7 '^? ' '.^^"^- ^''' ^^^^ ^P ^^ Canadl 
— some old French custom. 

Leoxora. Isn't it perfectly horrid. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 7 

Mackintosh. Think of it — in this age of the 
world — to betroth yon to a man you never saw in 
your life — a man you don't love 

Leoxora. Oh no! 

Mackintosh. Just because he's rich ! A rich 
sugar planter — marriage for money — money, (going 
down E. a little) 

Leonora. Oh — papa is so cruel, {go l. a little) 

Mackintosh. It's an outrageous crime — {Enter 
Mr. Faddish l. hurriedly down staircase. Leonora 
and Mackintosh liave their hacks turned to him) 
It's— it's— Oh I can't. 

Faddish. Xow see here ! You must get right off 
from this boat — right off! {runs up stairs again.) 

Mackintosh. I tell you Mr Faddish {turn- 
ing to him) 

Faddish, {rumiing down stairs again) l^ow 
you ain't going to tell me anything! (Faddish 
moves nervously aiouf.) 

Leonora. Oh papa ! {symptoms of soiling) 

Mackintosh. Isn't her happiness something to 
you? 

Faddish. {stopping before him) Isn't her — 
(chokes with indignation) you ask me — her hap- 
piness — and I'm doing all this — 'ere's a chance for 
a good marriage. It ain't every day that a rich West 
Indian Sugar Planter will marry a girl with nothing 
but her family name to bring to him I And if her 
uncle James hadn't been down in Cuba last Winter 
and got acquainted with him, we couldn't have 
dared to hope for such a thing. 

Leonora. Then I wish Uncle James had stayed 
at home. 

Faddish. Well he didn't — he arranged it all — 
and you was perfectly free to accept it or not. You 
decided to accept. 

Leonora. I hadn't seen Harry then. 

Faddish. I don't care if you hadn't. Our word 



8 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

was given. We're Fadclishes — and we're going to 
keep it. Tiiey're going to go ! They're going to go. 
(starting tip staircase) 

(Purser crosses at top of stairs from l. to r. and 
speaks following speech to those in saloon as he 
goes across.) 

PrRSKR. Anybody to go asliore ! They're haul- 
ing in the plank. 

(Exit Purser.) 

Faddish, (excitedly — ivildly) Yes — yes! He's 
goin'! Tell 'em to wait, (engine-room hell rings) 

Mackintosh. I won't leave her. (goes over to 
Leonora) 

Faddish. (hopping about ivitli excitement — at 
foot of stairs) What! You promised — you prom- 
ised if I'd let you come down to New York — and 
see her off — here, wait, (goes upstairs) He's com- 
ing. You promised me (coming downstairs 

again) 

Mackintosh, (change) Yes — I did. (slight 
pause — suddenly clasps Leonora in his arms) 
Good-bye. (releases her as suddenly. Turns and 
dashes towards the stairway. Enter Leon Dathis 
from top of stairs R. just as Mackintosh is going 
up the stairs) 

Datpiis. (stopping Mackintosh) One moment. 

Mackintosh. Eh ? 

Faddish. Don't stop him! He's got to get off. 

Dathis. He cannot till I know hees name. 

Mackintosh. What are you doing? (struggles 
hard to pass Dathis — Dathis holds him. Steam 
whistle blows) 

Faddish. My soul! (fusses about) He'll be 
left! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 9 

Datiiis. Who ees he — I ask you zhat? 
Faduish. Don't stop him — I'll be responsible. 
Datiiis. His name — what is it? 
Faddish. ( ,, ^, , ^^ 1 . ^ 1 

Mackintosh. } (iogether) Mackintosh. 

(Leonora regards this scene with anxiety — eyes 
strained wide open. Stands motionless.) 



Datiiis. Permeet me. 

(Snatches off Mackintosh's hat — and at the same 
time pulls piece of pjiotograph from his pocket 
and hiirricdly compares the two. Struggle, etc., 
going on during this, hut Dathis holds Mack- 
intosh firmly.) 

Datiiis. It is not heem! 

(Eeleases Mackintosh. Mackintosh exits quickly 
— Datiiis doivn l. Mackintosh makes a ru^h 
up stairivay, and hounds off l. Dathis comes 
downstairs and stands L. ivatching scene.) 

! 

' Faddish. (follotving Mackintosh) Hurry! 
Hurry! or you'll be left! Eun ! (Purser appears 
On stairivay from ahove as Mackintosh rushes past. 
Looks at him) 

Purser.. He can't get ashore. (Comes downstairs 
and goes off passageway up L., down and off.) 

Faddish, (ivildly on stairs) Can't he jump? 

Leonora, (to r. foot of stairs, with scream) 
Oh! No! No! (running to foot of stairivay and a 
few steps up in her excitement He mustn't. Don't 
let him. Stop him. . . 



10 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Faddish, (upstairs — wildly) Tell them to stop 
the boat. (goes off l. calling) Stop the boat! 
Stop the boat ! ! 

Leoxora. (looking up the stairs and off to L.) 
They're holding him. They won't let him jump ! 
He's safe! He's safe. 

Dathis. (who has watched bus. from l., going up 
to stairivay) Tell me zthis! Why did zthe young 
man wish to escape — eh? Tell me zthat? 

Leonora, (looks at Dathis) He didn't wish to! 
They made him. (coming dotvn toiuard table R.) 

Dathis. I shall see him once more. There is 
some treek. 

(Exits by passageway up L. Enter Mackintosh, 
running down stairivay.) 

Mackintosh, (seizing Leonora's hands) My 
darling ! 

Leonora. Isn't it dreadful ! 

Mackintosh, (releasing her) That I am going 
with you ! 

Leonora. (with a cry of pain) Oh — no! I 
only meant that — that you 

Mackintosh. We're not far from the dock — I 
can jump in and swim, (going to foot of stairs) 

Leonora, (following him quickly — holding him) 
Xo, no! You shall not. You shall not do it! I 
didn't mean it, Harry, you know I didn't. 

Mackintosh. Then I will go with you! (arm 
around her) 

Leonora, (bus. — they both sit on bottom step but 
one of stairs) Oh, I'm so glad — so glad, (pause) 
But, Harry — the steamer is full — every berth is 
taken ! Where will you sleep ? 

Mackintosh. I don't want to sleep! I want to 
lie awake — and realize that I am here with you. 

Leonora. Oh, Harry ! But you must have some- 
where — to lie awake in! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON H 

Mackintosh. It's nothing to me! I'll go on the 

roof — or down in the coal hole — or — or {stops, 

unable to think of any other place had enough) 

Leoxora. How brave you are ! {arms around 
him) and — and — I'm so glad you're going too! 
80 glad I {whistle of tugboat — answered after a 
moment's pause by steam ivhistle of ship. Getting 
up suddenly) What was that? 

Mackintosh. I don't know, {rising) 

Leonora, {going to r.) Shall we — shall we go 
out and see? 

Mackintosh. Yes — if you want to. {they start 
toward passageway up R. Arm around her) He — 
he can't blame me — can he? I tried to get off! 

Leonora. Oh — no. 

Mackintosh. And we — we're not torn asunder — 
yet — my darling. 

Leonora. No, oh no, Harry! Not yet! 

{Business.. They exit by passageway up R.) 

{Enter Augustus Billings and Purser — from 
passageway up L. Purser goes quickly to cab- 
inet over R., under staircase, talcing out keys, un- 
locking. Looks rapidly among bottles. Bil- 
lings follows him up to cabinet — giving rapid 
glance about cabinet as he comes in. Another 
glance or two about over his shoulder as he 
stands watching Purser; Purser finds empty 
bottle. Holds it up to light and shakes 
— to make sure that it is empty. Shakes head. 
Looks at Billings. Billings looks at him. 
Slight pause. Note. — Endeavor to work Bil- 
lings on the easy, nonchalant idea, as far as 
possible, confident, cool, not too anxious — 
always confident he'll pull through all right.) 

Purser. All gone, sur ! Not a drop left ! (Bil- 



12 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

LINGS loolvs at Purser with hands shoved down in 
trousers pockets. They both come down) I re- 
member there was quite a call for it the last trip in. 
It's one of the best things for seasickness, sir, that 

you ever 

BiLLiXGS. {interrupting Purser) Yes, but it's 
gone. (Purser and Billings look at one another 
an instant. Billings turns away as if to go L. 
Purser goes up to cabinet^ puts hack the bottle. 
Note. — Billings 7nem., to remove cap at some time 
during this scene — so that his head and hair may be 
seen previous to the hair cutting business. Billings 
stops a little down left because something occurs to 
him. Glances at Purser. Pulls out roll of bills 
and gets a 20. Aloud, as he is getting bill out) 

Say — look here (without looking round. May 

put unlighted cigar which he finds in pocket absent- 
mindedly into mouth) 

Purser, (ivho has just closed cabinet) Yes, sir — 
(goes doicn near Billings) 

Billings. Want to get you to (slight pause 

as he nonchalantly puts a twenty dollar bill into 
Purser's ha?id) 

Purser. Certainly, sir — anything I can 

Billings. Yes — that's what I mean. You can 

help me through on a little (notices number of 

stateroom down L. With motion of head and look- 
ing over at stateroom) 'S that seventy-two? 
Purser. Yes, sir. (looks over at stateroom) 
Billings. Say — come over here, will you? (hold 
centre of stage) There's a strange thing on around 
here — and I'm in it — (looking around cabin) Do 
you see anybody? 
Purser. No, sir! 
Billings. Where? 

Purser. Where, sir! I 

Billings. Oh, I thought you said you did. 
Purser. No, sir. 

Billings. All up on deck, aien't they, seeing 
'em off? 



1X)0 MUCH JOHNSON 13 

Purser. Yes, sir ! 

BiLLTXGS. Sa}', look here! Listen! Just because 
I took a lady to the opera two or thre-^ times and 
sent her a few notes and a photograph I've got to go 
to Cuba — See here ! I'll have to tell you all about 
it or you won't be any use to me. My name's Bil- 
lings — office 18 Wall — Attorney, you know — and all 
that — • Live up in Yonkers. 
Purser. Yes, sir. 

BiLLiXGS. Yes, just starting out for some place in 
Cuba — forget what they call it — Sandy something 
or other. 

Purser. Sandiago, sir! 
BiLLixGs. That's what it is! 
Purser. Sandiago's way down at the East end o' 
the island, sir! 

Billings. All right. That's where we're going. 
Purser. We take you to Havana, sir. 
BiLLiXGS. AAliat for? 
Purser. That's where the boat runs, sir. 
Billings. What do I do then? 
Purser. You change to a steamer which takes 
you to Sandiago. 

Billings. Do I have to change? 
Purser. Yes, sir. You'll have plenty of time 
there. 

Billings. Oh, I'll have plenty of time, will I? 
Well, I need plenty of time. Now, see here, you 
don't know how it is yet. Two ladies with me — wife 
and her mother. They think I own a big place down 
there — and run the sugar business. (looJcs at 
Purser an instant — sJiakes head) Eot. (Purser 
looks at Billings surprised. Cigar in mouth again.) 
Don't know what sugar is. All came out of a little 
affair you know — come over here — (Purser folloivs 
Billings and stands left at chair) singular, isn't it, 
how these little — detained in town one night on 
business — dining at French table d'hote — one of the 



14 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

real ones near Washington Square — she was cliann- 
ing, too — sweetest little — French, you know — and a 
flirt— Great Scott !— Out of sight!' 

Purser, {eyes sparkling) Out of si.dit, was she? 

Billings. Yes. Wish to God sheM stayed there. 
(Note. — ''Yes" slwred — more Yeer) Forgotten 
her purse or something — course I came to time — 
settled the bill — saw her to cab — saw cab to — hem — 

Purser. Yes, yes. 

BiLLiXGS. Theatres — concerts — operas — roof gar- 
dens — and all that sort of innocent amusement till 
her husband came back. 

Purser. Husband, sir! {hack to centre of stage) 

BiLLixGS. Don't shriek like that ! ! That's the 
idea though — One of these crazy Frenchmen — wine 
business — importer and all that. Had to make the 
trip to San Francisco every now and then — that's 
where he imported from. 

Purser. yes, I see. 

BiLLiXGS. Yes, of course. California wine — with 
a French accent. Every time he went West we stayed 
East — you see how it was, of course. 

Purser. Yes, sir. 

BiLLiXGS. Of course had to tell 'em something — 
up in Yonkers. Said I'd bought a sugar ranch down 
in Cuba, had to go down there every now and then 
to see it. It occurred to me because I had a college 
chum — Billy Lounsberry — went down there in '84— 
gave me the idea, you see. His ranch was near this 
place — e — Santiago. He called it "The Columbia" 
— patriotic sort of a duck, Billy was — so I just gave 
'em that as the name of mine, so as to have a real 
one behind it. Knew Lounsberry wouldn't mind. 
He'd do anything for me ! Don't believe in these 
things — but — 'didn't seem to be any way out of 
it 

Purser. No, sir. 

BiLLiXGS. I'm glad you look at it that way. Last 
Tuesday got word from her 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 15 

Purser. Which ? 

Billings, (looks at Purser an instant) There's 
only one. I didn't mention another, did I ? Clair- 
ette was her name, I thought I told you. 

Purser. No, sir. 

Billings. Clairette, the little French 

Purser. Oh, yes, I remember her! 

Billings. Yes — I got word from her after her 
husband left for the Slope that morning. Looked 
up Havana steamers — found this was the first one 
out — told the folks I'd got to take it. 

Purser. What folks? 

Billings. Told my folks up in Yonkers. 

Purser. Oh I see. 

Billings. I'd got to take this steamer, you know 
— then I lit out for Long Branch where I'd got to 
meet her 

Billings. Got to Long Branch ; instead of finding 
her there, found this letter waiting- for me at the 
West End Hotel, (feeling in pockets) — where the 

deuce (cigar in mouth to get it out of way. 

Feels in other pockets) Great Scott ! ! Now if I've 
gone and dropped that anywhere — the way they do 

in plays (looking about) Oh — overcoat pocket 

— hung it up in stateroom (starting over l. 

toward stateroom 72 as if to get it — hut stops sud- 
denly and turns to Purser, tvho is now r. Purser 
starts to follow Billings to stateroom and is 
stopped) Never mind — this is what she said 
" Monsieur Johnson." 

Purser. Johnson, sir? I thought it was to you. 

Billings. That's right — I'm Johnson 

Purser. You, sir ! — you said your name was Bil- 
lings ? 

Billings, (shaking head) Not in this case. 

Purser. Oh — yes, I see! 

Billings. Yes. Wouldn't do to give my name, 
vou know. Might take a fancy to look you up and 



16 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

there you are ! Johnson perfectly safe — such a lot of 
'em. More than 15,000 of them in the directory. 
Haven't counted them — but a man told me, such a 
lot of 'em. She doesn't even know I belong in this 
countr}' — gave her the same deal about o^vning a 
sugar ranch in Cuba — one lie covers both ends of it. 
Always like to economize on a lie when I can, you 
know. 

Purser. Very good, sir. 

BiLLiXGS. Letter was something like this! "My 
most adorable little Sugar Planter " — or whatever 
it was — " Fly for your life — my husband has unex- 
pectedly come back before he started. He suspects 
— he has seized your photogi'aph — your name is on 
the back," — and all that, you see. 

Purser. Very disagreeable, wasn't it, sir? 

Billings, (shal-es head) Not yet — coming to 
that now. Always come down to the steamer last 
thing before she sails— might find letters — Yonkers 
you know — and all that. Came this morning. Found 
one — ]\Irs. Billings — said she and her mother'd been 
thinking it over. That settled it — needn't read any 
•more. When they think anything over — Biff — ^you 
know. Been thinking- it over — wanted a rest and 
change of air — unless I telegraphed contrary they'd 
go to Cuba with me. (Purser gives a long tvliistle) 
Too late to telegraph contrary — barely time to get 
a couple of staterooms — rush out and buy this cap 
— so's to look as if I was really going, you know 
^— and there they were toddling up the gang plank — 
See how it is of course. They think I'd made the 
trip a couple of dozen times — regular old sea dog 
and all that^ — (slight pause) be as sick as a cat in 
ten minutes — and don't know a damn thing about 
Cuba (turning from Purser and going up a little) 
. Purser, (after slight pause to take it in) But 
when you get to Santiago, sir — ? 

Billings, (coming to him again) Get there Fm 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 17 

all right. Hunt up Billy Lounsberry, he's there yet ! 
you know, borrow his plantation for a week or so 
and pass it off as mine. He's all right — do any- 
thing for me — Thing is getting there. 

Purser. Now I think of it, sir, there's an extra 
bottle of that nerve tonic up in my cabin. (Billings 
looks at Purser) 

Billings. Well I'm glad you think of it. 

Purser. I'll get it right off. {starts up the 
stairway) 

Billings. Eight off isn't any too soon for me. 
(Purser stops suddenly on stairs and comes down 
again to r. of Billings) 

Purser. There's another thing, sir. Did you 
ever try a belt? 

Billings. (sJiaJces head) Never tried anything. 

Purser. It's almost sure to fix you, sir! (going 
to cabinet again and opening it^ bringing out a large 
belt, with strap and bucMes of considerable size. 
Brings it down to Billings who has ^one over l. c. 
near table) 

Billings. Do I get it? (as purser goes up for 
belt) 

Purser. Yes, sir, here it is ! — I'm glad I thought 
of that! (Billings takes belt) 

Billings. What do I do with that? 

Purser. Put it on, sir — that's all ! 

Billings. Didn't know but I had to chew it or 
something. 

Purser. Ah now, chew that? 

Billings. Only joking of course. Shouldn't want 
to be taken for a horse. 

Purser. Now that won't be necessary, do you 
want to hide it? 

Billings. I can tell you that 

Purser. Well button your coat over it. 

Billings. I suppose you have done this before? 



18 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Purser. yes, quite often. Let me help you, sir. 
Some people it keeps off seasickness entirely. 

BiLLiXGS. Some people? — 

Purser. Yes, sir. 

BiLLiNCJS. Trust I'm a member of that fortunate 
class of the community, {during bus. of tightening 
belt) I begin to feel as if I'd had dinner. (Purser 
tightens belt) There goes another dinner. Say — 
am I going to take any of that tonic ? 

Purser. Why certainly, sir! 

BiLLiXGS. Then you don't want to pull this thing 
any tighter. 

Purser. But you must have it tight ! That's the 
only good of it ! 

Billings. All right. (Purser pulls Billings 
hard) Say ! Hold on ! Let me hang on to some- 
thing! 

Purser. Hold on to that table, sir. 

fPi'RSER begins to pull straps with force and 
Billings braces himself and holds on to table. 
Enter Mrs. Billings aifd ^[rs. Batterson 
doicn stair icaij from l. They stop in astonish- 
ment on seeing the Purser pulling Billings 
around. The Purser gives a strong pull, so 
that Billings loses hold on table and is throivn 
around — holding on to Purser, which leaves 
Pi'RSER L. of Billings when ladies scream. 
Mrs. Billings gives a sharp scream and Mrs. 
Batterson at same time a screech of alarm, 
both starting down toward Billings and Purser 
Mrs. Billings arriving nearest to Billings. 
Billings coolly turns and stands easily before 
them tvith perfect self possession — and no idea 
of concealing anything. Clothes somewhat dis- 
arranged. TaJces cigar out of mouth.) 

Billings, (lool-ing about to see what caused them 
to scream) What did you see? 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 19 

Mrs. Billixgs. Was he — why what was he doing 
to you ? 

Billixgs. (innocenthj) Who? (glances about) 

Mrs. Billixgs. Why, that fellow — yon were 
wrestling with 

Billix^gs. {looks about innocently — sees Purser) 
Oih — (his momentary anxiety is satisfied. Takes 
out^ a cigar and prepares to light it) That's what 
it was. {lighting his cigar. Says to Purser care- 
lessly between puffs as he lights it — ) She thought 
we were scrapping. 

Mrs. Battersox. Vv'hat is the explanation of the 
affair? 

Billixgs. {cigar bus. ^yait till lights it before 
speahing) Helping me on — with this, {touching 
belt lightly as he tossed away match) 

Mrs. Billixgs. Mercy! What is it? 

Billixgs. Belt, {he handles buckles, etc., care- 
lessly) 

Mrs. Battersox^. And whv were yon going 
strapped into a belt at such a time? 

Billixgs. Game of tennis, {puffs cigar) 

Mrs. Battersox. Tennis! 

Mrs. Billix^gs. Yon don't mean here on the 
ship ! 

BiLLix^GS. ISTo. Going to get off and play in the 
water. (Purser goes to passageway up l. and 
■watches them) 

Mrs. BillixTiS. Why, Augustus ! — You don't 
mean that ! 

BiLLiXTGS. (to Purser gagly) 'S all right, old 
man, be along in five or ten minutes. 

Purser. Very well, sir! I'll get the mallets! 

(Exit Purser by passageway up l.) 

Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs. {turning in 

surprise on word mallets) Mallets ! 



20 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

BiLLiXGS. (nods affirmatively) 'S a way he has— 
doesn't like to say anything about a racket (puif of 
smol-e) he's a married man. 

Mrs. Battersox. {crossing over to him—URS. 
BiLLixXGS retires np a little) Tennis seems to me a 
most extraordinary pastime to indulge m— at soa. 

BrLLiXGS. 'S all right— You haven't got to play. 
(Mrs. Battersox goes r., Mrs. Billixcs co?nes 
doivn next to Billixcs) 

{Enter PrRSER's Boy from passageway up l. Tie 
comes doun to BiLLiXGs'a;?^ offers him a large 
bottle.) 

BiLLiXGS. {after looUnq at the hoi/ awhile calmly) 
What's that? ' ' ' 

Boy. It's the medicine, sir. {offering Billixgs 
a hottle. Pause. Billixgs regards the hoy in 
meditative silence. Puff cigar bus.) 

BiLijXGs. :\redicine? '{tal-es hottle and looks at 
it) 

Boy. Yes, sir. Chief Purser savs when you 
feel it coming on, take a spoonful in a g-lass o' 
water. 

Billixgs. Feel what cominof on? (Billixgs is 
simply and naturally apparently ignorant of what it 
all means. No fits and starts. ' No signs to the 
hoy a.^ide. Nothing) 

Boy. Seasickness, sir. 

Billixgs. What? 

Boy. Seasickness ! 

Mrs. Billixgs. For you, Augustus! 

Billixgs. Somebody's trying to be funny, {looks 
at hottle again. To Boy— as if to get at the root of 
the matter — yet not sharp or strong) Wliere'd vou 
get this? ^ 

Boy. The Chief Purser sent it, sir. He said 
you 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 21 

Billings, {interrupting) Oh — Purser! Yes — 
must be that stuff (looks at bottle) I was telling 
McCauley about — Steward thought it was for me. 
(to Boy) Spoonful, you say, — when he feels it 
coming on ? 

Boy. Yes, sir. (Exit l. 1 e.) 

Billings. I'll tell him — (sitting on edge of table 
l. — putting bottle in side pocket) First I thought 
they had a game up on me. There's some of the boys 
on this trip. 

(Enter Dathis excitedly from passageway up l. 
Goes quickly to R. of Billings.) 

Datiiis. (to Billings) I shall ask you, sir, 
to 

Billings, (turning coolly to Datiiis a^id drawijig 
bottle out of pocket) Here it is, right here — 
(shoves bottle into " Dathis's " hands and begins 
to lead him away) When you feel it coming on, 
take a spoonful in a glass of water. 

Datiiis. But I wish you to tell me, sir. 

Billings. Tells all about it on the bottle ! 

Dathis. I call on you, sir. 

Billings. Cheer up, old man. 

(They exit l. 1 e. expostulating ad. lib. Mrs. 
Batterson and Mrs. Billings watch them off 
astonished.) 

Mrs. Batterson. What was the man trying to 
say? 

Mrs. Billings. He was asking Augustus about 
the medicine, I think. 

Mrs. Batterson. There was something else. He 
seemed to be in a most excited state! 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, so he did. Have you seen 
our staterooms, mama? Yours is right next to ours. 
{going to stateroom No. 70 and unlocking it) 



22 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Battersox. I just looked in before we 
started. 

Mrs. BiLLixcs. I must go and fix things. 
Augustus scattered his clothes all about. I never 
saw such a place. 

Mrs. B.vtterson. (goiiuj up to her stateroom No. 
70) Well don't let's stop long now. I want to see 
the Statue of Liberty, and we're almost there. 

Mrs. Billixgs. {at her door) Oh, yes, we want 
to sec that! Were vou going to get a wrap? 

]\rRS. Battersox. (at her door) Yes, it's too 
chilly to be up tliere without one. (^Irs. Billixgs 
goes in stateroom No. 72. Gets shawl from outside) 

^[rs. Billixgs. ^fine's all done up in a shawl 
strap. 

Mrs. Battersox. AVdl don't stop for it now — 
take something else. 

^Ins. Billixgs. {qetliufi overcoat from stateroom 
No. 72) Hero is just the thing I Augustus isn't 
using it. 

^Ihs. Battersox. Yes, come dear! (starting to- 
ward stairwai/) 

"Mrs. Billixgs. I don't believe he wants it, do 
you ? 

^[rs. Battersox. (tooling round at her, and 
quitting on her shawt) It's not at all likely that 
he'll need an overcoat to play tennis in. 

^Irs. Billixgs. Oh, yes, he's going to play tennis. 
(begins fumhling with pocl'et of overcoat) 

^Irs. Battersox. I should think that belt he had 
on was enough to keep him warm without much of 
anvthing else. 

Mrs. Billixgs. Oh ! wait a minute, mama ! 
(sits R. of table l.) 

Mrs. Battersox. Wliat's the matter? 

Mrs. Billixgs. Pear me! He's got a lot of 
cigars in this pocket ! I must take them out or 
they'll all be broken, and he wouldn't like that. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 23 

(hrings out some cigars and puts tliem on table le- 
side her) 

Mrs. Battersox. My advice would be to bring 
them up on deck and pitch them off into the water. 

Mrs. Billings. But it wouldn't do any good — 
he'd only get some more, {hr'mging out more 
cigars) 

Mrs. Batterson". The man makes a perfect 
chimney of himself. 

Mrs. Billings. Xot a perfect chimney, mama — 
because he smokes. 

Mrs. Batterson. I have never approved of your 
letting him go on with it, when he gave you his 
promise to stop, before I consented to your marriage. 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, but I didn't want to hold 
him to it. ydurinq this Mrs. Billings hrings out 
more cigars and letter and envelope) He enjoys it 
so much — and, besides, he never smokes pipes — and 
that's a good deal ! 

Mrs. Batterson. {seeing Utter in Mrs. Billings' 
hand) What's that? 

Mrs. Billings, (casually) Kh some letter or 
something ! 

Mrs. Batterson. (loohing over her shoulder) It 
looks like a female hand — you'd better let me see it ! 

Mrs. Billings. Oh, no! — it might be — some- 
thing private, you know — and it doesn't seem quite 
right to • 

Mrs. Batterson. It doesn't seem quite right to 
find strange ladies' letters in your husband's 
pockets 

Mrs. Billings. But it's — it's only business — I'm 
sure of that. 

Mrs. Batterson. Then there's no harm in look- 
ing at it. (talcing letter and envelope) You see it's 
out of the envelope — So we don't open it. (reads 
letter — pause) Well, I declare!! 

Mrs. Billings, (rises and goes to her) What is it? 
(reaching for letter) 



24 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Battersox. (drawing letter away) No! 

Mrs. Billings. Why — is it — is it anything, 
mama ? 

Mrs. Battersox. Anything!! — (embracing her) 
My i)oor dear, you must prepare yourself for the 
wors !t I've suspeeted for some time that things 
were not as tliey should be, but I liad no idea they 
were as bad as this ! 

^Frs. Billings. What is it? — What does it say? 

Mrs. Battersox. You'd better not hear it — 
yet ! 

Mrs. Billings. Oh, I must know! (pauM') 
Head it! Bead it!!! 

:\Ii{s. Battersox. (reuih) "My sweetest of little 
su«^^ar-})lanters." 

Mrs. Billixgs. Does it say that? 

Mrs. Battersox. (nods ''yes") 

Mrs. BiLLiNcis. From a — a lady? 

Mrs. Batterson. Do you suppose a )nan would 
l)e*,Mn like that? 

^^I{s. l^iLLiNcs. Who — who is it? 

Mi;s. Batterson. '' Clairette " ! ! 

Mrs. Billings. '^ Clairette"! (piteously) 

^[rs. Battersox. Yes. And how do you like to 
have this creature say 

^[rs. BiLLiX(;s. (hreal'ing in on her) Xo, no! — 
don't read any more^-now (goes; l. a little, thinking) 

^[rs. Battersox. Something must be done. 
(pause) Come into my room! My poor child! 
(goes up to door of stateroom No. TO and waits) 

Mrs. Billixgs. (pause a moment, then hreals 
down and goes up to Mrs. Battersox') Mama!!! 

^Frs. Battersox. Come my dear!! (takes her off 
into stateroom No. TO) 

(Enter Datiiis and Billixgs from passage up l. 
Datiiis comes on first holding medicine bottle 
and goes down R., then crosses over to l.) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 25 

Dathis. But I tell you, sir — zis ees an imposi- 
tion ! It ees 

Billings, (c.) Say, hold on! I can't under- 
stand a word you're talking about. Don't thrash 
about the ship like this — want to tell you how it 
was — the stuff was sent to me you know 

Dathis. {crossing to r. again) Then why did 
you insist that I should take it, eh? 

Billings. What's the matter? Can't you help a 
fellow out on a little thing like that, eh? 

Dathis. Oh zen I take it to help you, eh ? 

Billings. That's the way it is — do as much for 
you sometime — don't talk so loud? Dare say you 
know how it is yourself — if you've got a wife ! 

Dathis. Yes! I have got a wife! (Billings 
takes it coolly. Begards Dathis an instant. 
Dathis looks searchingly at Billings) 

Billings. Yes — of course — so you can — sympa- 
thize with me — and I can do the same for you — 
ought to do these little things, you know — fellow 
voyagers on life's sea — both of the same — sex — and 
all that — won't you join me in a little {going toward 
Dathis a little — Billings takes medicine hottle. 
Dathis shakes head and motion of hand) Sorry — 
{putting bottle in his breast pocket) — Might do you 
good — might cure you. Traveling for pleasure, I 
suppose 

Dathis. {rather violently and suddenly) N"o ! — 
not for pleasure ! 

Billings. Then it must be a business trip — 
hardly thought — you had the look of a man represent- 
ing- a wholesale or retail — something of a diplomatic 
or artistic nature? 

Dathis. {very emphatically) Sir! I am an im- 
porter of French wines {going to Billings. Bill- 
ings simply regards Dathis calmly an instant) 

Billings, (first pvts cigar in mouth) Kecent 
attempt at tariff reform affected your trade much ? 



26 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Dattiis. Listen ! My business is not wines ! It 
was. It is no longer ! I am in search of a 
scoundrel ! (crosses Billixgs to l. Billings re- 
gards Dathis coolly a few seconds) 

Billixgs. Scoundrel, eh! (sits l. of J able r. 
Cool — hut sliowincj hij a glance that he realizes tvho 
Datiiis is) 

Dathis. (hisses it out) Y-e-s! — Scoundrel! He 
has desolated my home! He has — (chokes with ex- 
citement. Going to BiLLiSGs) But I have tracked 
heem to zthis sheep ! He shall fight with me ! 

Billixgs. That's right! 

Datiiis. You would do the same? 

Billings. Of course — that's what I always do! 

Datiiis. Then I shall do it ! It is easy to find 
him noAv ! I know zthat he is on zthis sheep — and 
(leaving Billings and going down l. again. Pulls 
out photograph excitedly, trembling hands) I have 
here his photograph! (Dathis looks earnestly at 
photo and does not see Billings hus. Billings 
quietly turns up collar of his coat) 

Billings. Got everything your own way, haven't 
you? 

Datiiis. Ze photograph is torn — I have here only 
ze top part of hees head. 

Billings. Too had — what's the matter with the 
rest of it? 

Datiiis. (goes on with ferocity) ]\Iy " Clairette," 
my wife, has torn eet away! (Billings pauses a 
minute — then turns down collar quietly) But this is 
enouirh ! I cannot mistake — eff I see zhe top of the 
head like zhat ! 

Billings. Xo certainly not. Nohodv could mis- 
take such a looking thing as that, but you have all 
the trouble of 

Dathis. Zthe trouble is nozthing at all ! I will 
look at all on zthis sheep, (goes over to Billings 
who is still seated l. of table R.) Zthat is why I will 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 27 

ask you to permeet me — {reaching for Billings' cap. 
JBiLLiX( s. V^'h}', certainly — anything 1 can do to 
(rising) AVhat is it? {pause — to Dathis) ^Yait 
here a minute — My wife's 



Datiiis. But, Monsieur — I wish you to- 



BiLLiNGS. Just going to the stairs here to tell her 
I can't come. Xow look here, you, old man, Just a 
minute — I want to hear all about this photograph 
torn in two and you've got the little end of it. Don't 
go away — want to hear the rest of this! — {pulls 
knife or pocket scissors out of pocket as lie goes up. 
Bus. of getting ready to cut hair. Goes up stairicaij 
-jar enough to hide head) 

Billings, {speaking off up stairway) What did 
you say? Yes, I'm here. (Billings hair-cutting 
hus. Plead out of sight — Dathis luaits down l. 
looking at photograph) No — don't know where she 
is — better look in the smoking-room — if she isn't 
there, look somewher.e else I No — can't come just 
now — Talking business with a man — be up in a few 
minutes! {bus. handfuls of hair, etc. Billings 
puts on cap and comes down again to Dathis) 
Have to attend to these little things — you know how 
it is — Now — as you w^ere going to say — {comes down 
and sits again l. of table R.) 

Dathis. I shall not detain you long — {coming 
over to Billings) It is only that I must look at 
everyone 

Billings. That's all right. 

Dathis. You will permeet me — {removes Bill- 
ings' cap — starts on seeiiig his head which has a 
patch on top ivith no hair on it — then looks at photo 
to compare it and speaks) It is not heem ! {returns 
photo to pocket) 

Billings, x^nything else I can do for you, old 
man — just let me know. 

Mrs. Batterson. {speaks outside from her state- 
roo77i) I shall certainly look into this affair. 



28 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

(She enters from her stateroom No. 70 followed by 
Mrs. Billings — and sees Billings seated l. of 
table R. — as ladies enter Dathis retires up a 
little on R. — and watches closely scene with 
Billings and ladies.) 

Mrs. Batti]Rson. There he is! (stands at j^. with 
stern and determined expression expression, a letter 
in her hand) 

Mrs. Billings. So he is ! Augustus ! {"R- of 
Mrs. Batterson) 

Billings. What's the matter? (rising) Don't 
you like your stateroom? 

Mrs. Billings. It isn't that. 

Datiiis. (To Billings) Ees that your wife? 

Billings. (To Dathis) Looks like it. 

Datiiis. (Aside to Billings) You speak to 
her zther from ze stairway on zthe deck. How then 
does she come from her cabin? 

Billings. (Aside to Dathis) Tliat is funny, 
isn't it? She must have got in the window. 

Mrs. Billings. Augustus! 

Billings, (starts toward her — removing cap) 
rU Just see what the ladies want. Yes, my dear. 

(Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson give one look 
and shriek) 

Dathis. (coming down close to Billings r. of 
him) Why does your wife scream? 

Billings. You frighten her, my boy! 

Dathis. Whiii have I done? 

Billings. How do I know? Some damn things 
anvone can see that. 

Mrs. Billings, (pointing to Billings' head) 
Oh, Augustus ! 

Dathis. No, no! She points at you! 

Billings. Don't say anything about it, she can't 
point straight^ — she's left-handed. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 29 

Batiiis. (after a looJc, crosses to c. hetiveen Bil- 
lings and ladies) If ze ladies desire me to re- 
tire 

Billings. They seem to — Perhaps you'll come 
around some other time, (going rigid with him up 
to passageway up r.) When you're fixed up a little 
— our room is 72 — we'd like to see you any other 

time, but now you know (exit Dathis r. u. e. 

Billings after sending Datiiis off comes down to 
ladies) 

Mrs. Billings. Augustus — what is it! Where 
have you been? 

Billings. Engine room. 

Mrs. Billings. Oh! (subdued) 

Billings. Pretty close shave. 

Mrs. Billings. Mercy! 

Billings. Got absorbed. Didn't notice where I 
was — standing near the piston-rod. (Mrs. Billings 
shudders — Billings has hat off until end of this 
speech) Suddenly I felt my hair seized in a grip of 
iron — caught by the suction pump — slowly wound up 
on the starboard windlass — struggle with might and 

main No use! Drawn nearer and nearer 

every moment? Suddenly remember — pocket- 
knife! Snatched it out — cut myself loose — and fell 
exhausted into the ash-pan! (sits l. of table r.) 

Mrs. Billings, (great and breathless earnestness) 
Oh, Augustus! (slight pause) Wasn't that dread- 
ful, mama? 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes — very. Now go to your 
stateroom — I wish to see him about this! (refers to 
letter she has) 

Mrs. Billings. Oh, yes ! I'd forgotten that. 
(going to him at table and talcing his hand, bringing 
him down) Oh, I hope it — it isn't so, Augustus. 

Billings, (rising and coming down r. c. with 
Mrs. Billings) Hope what isn't so? 

Mrs. Billings, (leaving him and spealcing as she 
goes to stateroom No. 72) Ask mama!! 



\ 



30 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Battersox. (slandinjj c. looking at her — 
sees Mrs. Billings off — then turns and looks at 
BiLLiXGS, icJio is R. — long pause before she speaks — 
the/j stand looking at one another) Of course I 
needn't explain what it is I desire to see you about ! 
Billings, (shakes head) Needn't explain any- 
thing you don't want to. (Billings looks at her a 
moDient as he speaks, then goes quickly to table and 
reads his paper. After a long pause, during ichich 

]\[rs. Batterson looks at him ) 

^Irs. Battkrson. Pah! As if yoii didn't know 
wliat I meant! (going over to hiui at table) It's 
this letter, sir, that I wish to have explained. (Bil- 
lings loivers paper and looks at her) 

Billings. What is it? (holds out hand for 
letter) 

Mrs. Battkrson. (drawing it awaj/^ Xot at all. 
Billings, (resinning paper) Thought you wanted 
nie to ex])lain something. 

Mrs. Battkrson. (rapidly — very exciledhj) This 
is what I want you to explain : "We found it in the 
pocket of your overcoat! (reads with rapidity and 
excitement) "^Fonsieur: — You must go away 
quickly. ^ly husband returns. He seizes your 
photograph. I also seize it — it breaks — but he has 

still a part — he is most violent — he 

Billings. (interrupting. Nonchalantly — but 
penetrating tone. Slight motion of hand) Say! 
Wait a minute, (etc., until Mrs. Battkrson stops) 
That's the one, is it ? 

^Irs. Battkrson. That's the one, sir ! And I call 

on you to — to 

Billings. Say — hold on now — don't call on me. 
You go and call on the man it's writt'en to. (reads 
paper) 

Mrs. Battkrson. Written to ! (sudden glance at 

letter then looks at Billings) It's to you isn't it? 

Billings, (not looking up shakes head non- 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 31 

clialantJij) 'Fraid not. (Mrs. Batterson loolcs at 
Utter) 

Mrs. Batterson. (feeling in pocket) Where — 

wliere's the {pulls envelope from pocket and looks 

at it) '' Mr. Alfred— Mr. Alfred Johnson— West End 
Hotel — Long Branch.'' I never looked at the en- 
velope, {this last is said to herself. She looks at 
Billings. Billings sits silent, reading paper) 
Johnson ! {pausce. Billings does not look at her) 
Who is he? {goes nearer to Billings) Who is 
this Johnson? {sternly) 

Billings. Friend of mine, {reads again) 

Mrs. Batterson. Do you open letters addressed 
to yonr friends? 

Billings, {reading) Um — nm — When they ask 
me to. 

Mrs. Batterson. Where is this friend of yours? 

Billings. Cuba. 

Mrs. Batterson. You told us you didn't know 
anyone there — outside of your own place. 

Billings. That's right. 

Mrs. Batterson. Oh — then he's on your planta- 
tion, is he? (Billings nods — trying to read paper) 
Um ! {sire considers a moment) You're not doing 
all this for one of your negro workmen are you? 

Billings. Think they're all niggers on my place? 

Mrs. Batterson. I don't know. 

Billings. Got to have an overseer or something 
haven't I? 

Mrs. Batterson. Oh, then this Johnson is your 
overseer ? 

Billings. Believe so. {aside) Have to pass 
Billy off as my overseer. But that's all right — 
he'd 

Mrs. Batterson. {looks at envelope again) And 
his name is Mr. Alfred — Johnson. 

Billings, {aside) Got to change his name to 
Johnson — Won't mind that — do anything for me. 



32 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Batterson. Well, I must say this throws 
rather an interesting light on your overseer's char- 
acter. 

BiLLixciS. Think so, do you? 

Mrs. Batterson. Think so! (lools at Billings 
an instant) The presence of such a man makes the 
place an undesirable one for my daughter to visit. 
{going right to him) The first thing I shall do 
will be to discharge the fellow, (going over to her 
stateroom) 

Billings. She's going to discharge Billy from 
his own place, I want to see that. 

Mrs. Batterson. (at her stateroom door No. 70) 

\\\liat I cannot understand is that you should have 
permitted such a 

(Enter Mrs. Billings from her stateroom No. 72.) 

Mrs. Billnings. (standing hy her stateroom 
and speaking up to Mrs. Batterson, who is at her 
stateroom door) Mama! Is it — is he 

Mrs. Batterson. (at her stateroom door No. 70) 
It seems the letter was not addressed to him. It 
was for his overseer — a Mr. Alfred Johnson. (Mrs. 
Batterson exits into stateroom No. 70) 

Mrs. Billings, (after watching Mrs. Batterson 
off turns to Billings) Oh, I'm so glad, (goes to 
Billings and jnits her arms around him) 1 — didn't 
doubt you, Augustus — only it did look so dreadful. 
(Billings regards her calmly) Xow come and see 
our stateroom ! I've put it in beautiful order, (get- 
ting Billings up from chair and leading him over 
to l. c. Billings lets her lead him in absent- 
minded sort of way. Taking off Billings' cap and 
looking at the state of his head) And do let me trim 
your hair a little, you look like a perfect fright! 
(taking him nearer to stateroom and looking up in 
his face lovingly) And you will forgive me about 
that letter — won't you, Augustus? 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 33 

Billings. What letter? 

Mks. Billings. Why the one Mama 

Billings. Oh, that^s all right! {tliey exit into 
stateroom 72) 

{Enter Mackintosh and Leonora from passage- 
way up R. Hurriedly they glance behind them 
as they come as if trying to elude someone. 
Mackintosh comes on first.) 

Leonora. Do you think he saw us? (goes and 
sits l. of table R.) 

Mackintosh. No — he was looking over at that 
schooner, {comes and leans over hack of table, his 
face near her) My own love. 

Leonora. Papa is so inconsiderate. To follow us 
everywhere — when we love each other so. 

Mackintosh. Yes, my darling. 

Leonora. Oh how good that you couldn't get off 
— wasn't it? 

Mackintosh. It was the voice of fate, 

Leonora. Yes — but — but when we get there — 
Harry — and that dreadful man comes to take me. 

Mackintosli. I will appeal to him — as an honor- 
able man — I will 

{Enter Faddish hurriedly down the cabin stairway. 
He is looking around for his daughter.) 

Leonora. Oh ! Here's papa. 

(Mackintosh comes r. of table r. and sits. Leonora 
and Mackintosh sits, motionless, staring 
blankly before them like wax figures. Faddish 
sees them. He comes down l. of Leonora.) 

Faddish. All this familiarity has got to stop. 
Suppose it was reported to him how you'd carried on. 
He might refuse to marry you! 

Leonora. I wish he would 



34 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Faddish. Well — he Uuight Jiear .of it— there's 
sojiie ])eople right here on this boat going to tlie 
saijie phu-e. Suppose they knew liim and tohl liini all 
about it. 

Li:ox()i{A. ] wish tliey wouhl. 

Faddish, {severely) Don't say another word. 
((joes over and sits u. of table L. ' llwee sit in an 
(uckward silence for a inonienl. To ^Tackixtosii) 
What (lid you say ? 

Mackixtosii. I didn't say anything. 

Faddish. Well — there's "nothing to he said. 
{rrossin;/ his Irf/s) It's all settled. 

L,li:o\(»i;.\. Oh pa|);i I {rises and i/ocs (oirard 
Faddsii) 

Faddish. As soon as von see what a heaiHiru! 
place he's got. {risiii;/ lo her) 

Lk()\()I{A. How do yon kn(»w what he's got? 
{Iiinis from l*\\i)Dlsii iiii pet noiisli/ and rclnrns fo 
iliair : docs nol si I ) 

Faddish. A rich sngar planter such as he is — 
must have evei-ything. 

Ll«:0X()i{\. Well. I know he's pi-rTectlv dreadful. 
(si Is) 

I^'addish. ((/oin;/ lo I j:()\()I{A ) These jK'opIc thai 
the ])urser told me were going to Santiago might 
know about him and what kind of a jilace it is. We 
can ask them anywav — it will do no harui. 

TvKOXoijA. 1 (hui't want to hear anything id»onl 
him — or his place — or any place. 

(Enlcr ;^^Rs. I^ATTKHSox fron} her stalerooni Xo. T(l. 
goes and knocks with key on Mrs. Billings' door 
No. 72.) 

Faddish, (seeing Mrs. Battersox) Sli I There's 
one of the ladies — now! 

Mrs. Billings, (when .Mrs. Battersox AmorA-s- 
speaks from inside) Coming, mama!" (speaking 



TOO MUCil JOHNSON 35 

ivifh key back into stateroom) You'll come up on 
deck, soon, won't you, Augustus? 

BiLLixGS. Yes, in about a week. 

Mbs. Batterson. Come, Jennie, we won't wait 
for ]iim. 

(Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings start tmvard 
stairway. Faddish steps deferentialty to in- 
tercept them.) 

Mrs. Billings. Oh, Tni so glad you found that 
letter wasn't for him. 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes, but it shows things are 
not as they should be on the plantation. 1 am going 
to make a thorough 

Faddish, {removing Jiat and hoiriny) 1 beg your 
])ardon, ladies. It is allowed — on a voyage, I be- 
lieve — to speak without the formality of an intro- 
duction, 

(Faddish is up r. c., Mrs. Batterson c, and Mrs. 
Billings l. c.) 

Mrs. Batterson. Certainly. 
{nearlii fogetJier) 

Mrs. Billings. Oh yes. 

Faddish. Hem — thank you. My name is Fad- 
dish. I am — one of the Faddishes of Tadousae — 
Province of Quebec. You mav have heard them — e — 
spoken of 

Mrs. Batterson. No. (shaking head) Fm 
afraid not. (Mrs. Billings also shakes head 
negatively) 

Faddish. Quite a well known family 

Mrs. Batterson. We're hardly acquainted in 
Canada, sir. We are from Yonk^rs, 

Faddish. Ah — Yonkers — yes. Is that — e — is 
that in this country? 

(Mrs. Batterson is too proud to reply) 



36 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. BiLLiXGS. Yes — quite near New York. 

Faddish. Ah — a very — a very large place New 
York. I — urn — we and my daughter and myself — 
liave {as if introducing) This is my daughter. 
(Leonora rises and makes a partial how. Mack- 
intosh rises and goes up disgusted. Mrs. Bat- 
TERSON and Mrs. Billings also bow, slightly mur- 
muring '' How d'ye do," etc ) We are on our way 
to Santiago. 

Mrs. Batterson and Mr^.. Billings. Oh ! Ah ! 

Mrs. Batterson. In Cuba? You know there 
are so many Santiagos. 

Faddish. Yes — Madam — Santiago di Cul)a — lia, 
ha! 

Mrs. BiLJ,iN(i8. Why. we're going there too. 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes. 

Faddish. So tlie — ah — ])urser told me, indeed 
that was my excuse for addressing you so abruptly. 
I thought perliaps you could — e — give us some infor- 
uiation al)Out tlie place — or 

Mrs. Battkrson. Oh no I {shakes head) 

Mrs. Billixgs. No. {shaking head) We've 
never been there. 

^[rs. Batterson. Yes — this is our first visit. 

Faddish. Ah — I'm sorry, as — e — e — we wanted 
to inquire — e 

Mrs. Billix(!S. Yes, but mama, you know 
Augustus. 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes, why of course — Mr. Bil- 
lings — call him. dear. (To Faddish) He's been 
there a deal. 

Mrs. Billings, (tvifh some pride) Yes, indeed. 
He owns one of the largest sugar places there. (Mrs. 
Billings 170^.5 left toward her stateroom) 

Faddish. Ah — really — then he can tell me — the 
— e — very things I want to know. 

Mrs. Billings. Augustus, come out here a mo- 
ment, won't vou? (looking into stateroom No. 72) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 37 

Billings. No, no, not now. 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, just a moment. Someone 
wants to see you. 

BiLLiXGS. Send him in. 

Faddish. Ah — this is very kind of you, Mrs. 
Billings— I 

Mrs. Battersox. Batterson — Mr. Billings is my 
son-in-law. 

Faddish. Ah — excuse me ! I supposed 

Mrs. Battersox. Yes, certainly. 

{They converse. Enter Billixgs l. as if just risen. 
A pillow in one hand. He looks sick. Mack- 
IXTOSH comes down r. of Leonora.) 

Billixgs. Who is it? 

Mrs. Billixgs. A gentleman who spoke to us 
just now. (Mrs. Billixgs motions toward Faddish 
— and in a way to ash Billixgs to speak loiv) 

Billixgs. What ! That old duck ? 

Mrs. Billixgs. Sh ! Yes — there's something he 
wants to know. (Mrs. Billixgs leads way across 
toward c. Billix^gs tosses pilloius hack into room, 
etc.) 

Billtx^gs. He looks it ! (aside — as he tosses 
pillow hack into stateroom) 'Fraid it was that 
damned Frenchman. (Billixgs follows Mrs. Bil- 
lixgs towards c.) 

Mrs. Billixgs. This is the gentleman — Mr. 
Faddish — did you say? (Faddish assents with 
'"yes — ha, ha") My husband, Mr. Billings, {sort 
of partial in traduction ) 

Billixgs. {nodding pleasantly) How are you 

(Billixgs does not offer to shake hands. As he 
.<!pcaks he moves leisurely across Mrs. Batterson and 
Vj^^'^. Billixgs toward hut not too 7iear Faddish) 

Faddish. I am honored to make your acquaint- 
ance, sir. 



38 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

BiLLi.\(..s. Tliat's all ridit— e — What was the- 



■to' 
.MI{S. ISA IThH.^U.N. {s.(jiill/ (1)1(1 (Ufstinclllj) Mv. 

l*'a(i(iisli warns yoii to icii nun about L uba. 

Hii.Lixc.8. {not fazed /o/- an uisUdU. Ao .stdri or 
I witch or movement of eyes) Cuba, eh? (hands in 
side pockets ecisily) 

J-'AUDiSii. Un.\ a <|Ui\-tion or two, niv dear .sir. i 
know you iiave been disturbed in your 

liii.i.i Nds. .Nor at ail — notlinisr disturbs uie — 
(tak-es i'\\i)i)isirs anil and ,^ldrts to lak-c him up 
■'<'dyr) How about tlie !:=ni(>kin;i loom and ha\i' a 
quiet littk' 

,Mi;s. lV\'ii i:i{S()N. \(), no — wu want to hear. 

.\li;s. r>i I.I.I N(.s. ^\'.<. ^'«ul know we're ^oin;; there 
too, 

Hn,M N(.s. ( .' Faddish — ('d,sifi/ ana pleasantly) 
See liow it is — they're ^i'oin*; too — vou ean talU it all 
o\er with them, while I — (getting cigar na.. , 
he u'dutcd to go and smoke. As if to go) 

^lus. BiM.iNCs. No, wait, Aui^ustus. (a (/aid- 
remonstrance ) 

Mhs. BATTKiisox. Stop, how eouUl we tell him. 
^\\■. Billing-s? 

Mrs. BilijN(;s. lie wants to know al)out Cuba. 

Billings. He yer — (an (d)hrevialed "Oh yes") 
That's different — of course. 'PlKui^ht it was Yonkers 
or something. 

Faddish. Xo — Cuba, sir, and I shall be a thou- 
sand times 

Billings. That's all right, (hands on Faddish's 
shoulder, comradery has.) 

Faddish. Now, if you could tell me 

Billings. Tell you all about it — Charming place 
— very hot in winter, but the nights are cold, no 
mosquitoes or malaria, and drives in every direction. 

Faddish. And is the country very 

BiLLiN"GS. No — not so much as you'd expect. 
Though here and there it is. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 39 

Faddish. And the general surface, sir — do you 
find it ? 

Billings. Oh, we find it that way very, very 
often. 

Faddish. Find wliat, sir? 

Billings. Find it mostly rollin.a", with here and 
there a place where it doesn't roll so much. 

Faddish. Dear me ! I heard it was mostly level. 

Billings. That's just what it is, where it doesn't 
roll — of course it can't roll all the time — couldn't any 
of us do that, you know. 

Faddish. Ha ! Ha I Of course not, no, no — and 
the sugar crop. 

Billings. Can't say much for the sugar crop — we 
lost a few trees from early blight — right on top 0' 
that tlie potato-bug pame along, and knocked seven- 
teen different kinds of 

Mrs. Battehson. 



^TTEHSON. "> 
LLINGS. >• 



Mrs. Billings. }• Potato bu^ ! I ! 

Faddish 

Mrs. Billings. Dear me! 

Mrs. Batterson. Do you mean to say they have 
potato-bugs, Mr. Billings. 

Billings. Have everything. Isn't a thing you 
could name that doesn't grow in Cuba. 

Faddish. Dear me — it must be a wonderful 
country. 

Billings. Yes (turning up stage as if to end 

it). You ought to like it down there. 

Mrs. Batterson. Do you remain in Cuba long? 

Faddish. Well — hem— -my daughter expects to 
I'emain there — permanently (significant glance at 
Leonora) The fact is, she is on her way to the 
altar, madam. (Mackintosh turns up stage dis- 
gusted.) 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Ah, in- 
deed, .(interested at once — nearly together — mur- 
muring) Eeally, how interesting! 



40 TOO MUCH JOHSNON 

Faddish. Yes, yes, ha !- 



Mrs. Billings. Do you hear that, Augustus. 
{f/oinr/ to BiLLixus, who is up stage l. c.) Miss 
Faddish is to be married in Cuba. 

Billings. That's too bad. (Mrs. Billings 
comes down again) 

Faddish. Yes — ha, lia I it is a betrothal. It was 
all arran;»ed by my brother. She has never seen her 
future husband. 

Mrs. Battekson. What I 

Mrs. Billings. Not seen him I 

Faddish. You see, we Canadians liave some of 
the French customs still left amon^ us. (Billings 
goes up staircase as if to go off) 

^Irs. Billings. {Joohiug si/nipntheticaUy at 
Lkonoi^v) Dear me! 

Faddish, {going up in Billings on stairs) One 
moment if yon could spare it. sir. (bringing Bil- 
lings fJotrn steps) T thou<rht jX'rhaps, sir, that 
vou nn'«j^ht hapi)cn to know the — the o^entlcman who 
—that is 

BiLLiN(;s. (up stage — shakes head emphatically as 
if to settle it quid') Xot at all — never heard of him. 
(remains up a little to keep out of the discussion) 

Faddish. He is a suizar planter — like yourself, sir. 

FT is name is Johnson, and he (Billings 

cnlmlf/ regards Faddish iritlioitf moving or display- 
ing any surprise or emotion) 

Mrs. Battkrson and Mrs. Billings, (looking 
round at Faddish with start of surprise, sotto) 
What, Johnson ! 

Faddish. Yes, that's the name, I believe, (pauses, 
seeing expression of surprise on ladies' faces. Bil- 
lings looks on coolly) 

Mrs. Battkrson. Oh, Mr. Billings can tell you 
about him. 

Faddish. Really. 

Mrs. Batterson. Why, Mr. Johnson is his over- 
seer I 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 4] 



'• C ^.'" 



Leonora. Overseer. 

Mackintosh. Overseer. ^ (nearly together) 

Faddish. Overseer. 

Billings, (shaking head and coming quickly to 
Faddish tJien turning up again after speech) Not 
at all — Couldn't be the one, Johnsons everywhere, 
woods full of them ! 

Mrs. Batterson. (to Faddish I Do you know 
anything about the place where he is? 

Faddish. 1 1 is a mile from the city — they call it 
the Columbia. 

Mrs. Batterson. That's it (nearly together-) 

Mrs. Billings. The very one. (all look at Bil- 

LNGS) 

Billings, (aside) Damned if Billy hasn't got a 
Johnson on his place. 

Faddish. But T understood he was the owner of 
the estate. 

Mrs. Batterson. The owner! I should say not. 
(crossing over to Faddish) 

Faddish, (turning to Billings, who is up stage 
a little) Can you tell me — e — what sort of a man 
he is, sir? 

Billings, (turning cheerfully to Faddish) Oh 
— Johnson? Trifle lively, of course — that's the way 
it is in Cuba — but he's a jolly good fellow — and 

]\[rs. Batterson. Mr. Billings! 

Mrs. Billings. Oh, mama! It's cruel to tell 
them. 

Faddish. I fear from your manner, ladies, that 
there is something wrong. I beg you to let me 
know — before it is too late. 

Mrs. Batterson. Wrong! (approaching Fad- 
dish) Mr. Faddish, he is simply the most aban- 
doned 

Mrs. Billings. (pulling her mother around) 
Mama! 

Billings, (stepping betiveen Mrs. Batterson 



42 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

and Faddish in the pause mude by Mrs. Billings' 
interruption) See here — {ff^ts Faddish while Miis. 
Battekson and Mrs. Billings are expostulating) 
Needn't disturb yourself — at all, he's really a nice. 

decent sort of a (taking Faddish's arm in 

h roth erltf com radery ) 

Lkoxoha. {goinff np to Faddish on other side 
from BiLLiNCJs and pulling around her) Papa, (To 
yr)ii rhiid< Tin uoin^- to marry such a man as that? 

^Iackin'I'osii. And do you think I'm 'j:n\u^ to let 
licr many sm-li a man as that r 

1)11.1.1 NC^. (aside) Till lixin.ir a nice mt-ss t'oi" 
Johnson — whoever he is. ((/oes njt) 

Mks. Battki?s()\. (trossiuf/ to Faddish nnd fol- 
lowed hi/ Mus. 1)11.1.1 \(;s ) It's my dutv to let him 
know. 

Mi;s. r.ii.i.i\( <. l)in mama ! 

(/>//>'. Mijs. Battkrsov and Mijs. Bimjxgs, talking 
In Fai^dish. Ij:()\()1{A. etc, on \i.) 

(Enter Dathis t/tiickly up i.. in a rery nerrous stale 
of mind, hndring this woi/ and that, and lioldnig 
the phid/H/ra pli . efr,, in his hand) 

HiLl.lX(;s. {me(ds D.vi'Hls up a lillh' in order to 
ronduci Jiini doirn L. away from otiiers. To Dathts) 
Ihdio. old man — how are you gettin^]^ on? 

nATHis. He conceals himself — T have scai-chcd 
the kitchen — the store-room — the cabins 

BuJ.TXGs. (frying to get Dathts away) Haven't 
tried the port scupper, have you? (fakes Dathis^ 
artn) Just the place he'd be likely to go. Show 
you where it is. 

Dathts. (suddenly breaking array) Wait! 
(trying to get toward ladies) I will first address 
these ladies 

BiLTJNGS. (stopping Dathts) Xo — not just now 
— they're busy ! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 43 

Dathis. {crot;sing in front of Billings and 
speaking to ladies) I care nothing for such things I 
Madam! (Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings 
turn to Dathis) 

Billings, (pulling Dathis round easily) Did 
yon hear what 1 said — they's busy. 

Dathis. What is that to nie— (hrealung away 
and turning again to ladies) Ladies I — pardon me 
— I search for a villain on this sheep, {producing 
photo) Here's a picture of his face ! ! 

Billings, (coming suddenly betiveen and seiz- 
ing Dathis hy wrist) Say, look here! (holding 
Dathis. All looking in surprise) You cant show 
that picture to my wife. It's indecent, (all aston- 
ished) 

Mrs. Batterson. Is the man crazy? 

Billings, (holding Bathjs hack. Dathis strug- 
gles to free himself) Call the doctor or someone! 
I can't hang onto him all day. 

Mrs. Batterson, Mrs. Billings, Leonora, Fad- 
dish (alarmed and starting to go R. and L. and up 
staircase) Oh! Quick! Yes, yes! Run! He's 
crazy! (etc.) 

Dathis. (breaking away from IBillings and 
crossing guickly to extreme R. and turning to others 
up stage) It is a lie. I seek a scoundrel by the 
name of Johnson ! 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (all char- 
acters turn and look at Dathis) Johnson! 

Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh, (stopping 
R. and up) Johnson ! 

Dathis. Johnson — who has the sugar ])lantation 
in Santiasro. 

Mrs. Batterson. It's his overseer! (pointing 
to Billings) 

Dathis. (pointing to Billings, who is down 
over Tj.) You know this man ? 

Mrs. Batterson. AVliy he's on his place! 



44 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, yes! {nearlif tof/cther) 

Datiiis. {to audience n.) At last 1 shall coin(> 
face to face with this cowardly scoundrel. 

Faddish, (ireinulou^ excitement. Coming down 
to Datius) What are you ooiii<r to do? 

Dathjs. {tuniini/ on I-'addisii (intl speal'ing 
rujht to him) Kill htriu I (generat gasps and 
stight screams from ladies. Faddish gives a yelp of 
(fespair. ^[rs. Battkk'son croaks out a note Of hor- 
ror) 

HiLLixcjs. ^ly God — it* there is a .lohnson down 
there he's goiii"- to have a i)icnic. 

(.I.s- cartain comes down Mus. BiLLixus and Mrs. 
i)ATTKRsox go over to Billings l., Dathis aiid 
Faddish down r., Mackintosh and Leonora 
up stage r. c. Mu.sic ff.) 

CURTAIN 



ACT IT 



SCKXE.— *sV^ in 3. 

.1 r(fn))} in Johnson's house on the ''Columbia" 
Sugar and Coffee Plantation. Santiago-de-Cuha. 
Large opening (representing window) at t)acl' 
L. to L. c. with large awning on outside, hacked 
hg Imhistrade and " Culmn" landscape. {The 
ground is supposed to he about 6 feet beloir 
balustrade, so back drop must be hung to con- 
vey this.) 

Two small solid doors near together at back r. 
to R. c. hacked by very rough looking interior 
showing plain board and rafter walls. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 45 

Opeuifif/ II. 1 E. hacJi of porch, liouse and land- 
scape sJioiving road in distance. 
Opening l. 1 e. similar to opening r. 1 e. bached 
hi/ rough l-'itchen interior. 

.7()(tS IA^ SCE^E. — One between opening R. 1 e. 

and first small door — A small jog between the 
firo small doors and one just above opening 

L. 1 E. 

Loci's and keys on both small doors. Panel in 
upper K. corner of door nearest ''dresser'' to be 
fi..red lo be smashed in by ''Johnson" in Act 
JIT. 

I'ROl'KliTTES. — Lounge over \i. between opening 
u. 1 E, and first small door, improvised out of 
plain hoards, padded on top tvith excelsior and 
sacl'ing — with two ordinary rough wooden tres- 
tles for legs— large coarse ivhite pillow on 
lounge — the whole to be covered with two large 
white fur robes. 

1*1 (I in deal table over l. vcith common kitchen 
chairs on either side — clean bucket, luitli clean 
water and dipper on floor at bach of table — Old 
common cover on table — Old hitchen dresser 
nailed firmly on and projecting on R. side of 
dresser to stand tomato can on during drinking 
. '' bus." in A ct III. Rough packing-case in 
front of dresser and rather over to the L. side 
of it — smaU soap box in front of packing case R. 
side of it to step on — wicker rocking chair in 
ivindow near dresser with back to the audience 
—small three-legged, stool just below first small 
door and near head of lounge — tea-chest against 
scene below opening r. 1 e. to stand on. Large 
rough packing-case outside opening L, 1 e. 



40 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

against packing — old hamper on it — Old fash- 
ioned gun in corner above opening l. 1 e. — 
hook tilielf hung on scene between opening L. 1 
K. and window — inkstand and quill pen, oil 
cigar boxes and otlier rubbish on book shei}. 
Small mirror on scene up stage end of book 
shelf — targe wooden pipe rack with serera' 
briar pipes and two or three clays in it, hung 
on scene underneath bookca.se. 

On dresser up c. — Large deep-toned dinner bell 
on L., brandy bottle with only one drink in it — 
and two sntall " poney " whiskey glasses — 12 
little coffee sacks — one of them open and filled 
with real coffee — the others with sawdust, of 
course. TJie coffee sacks should be stood up 
together, malh/ on u. side of " drr^scr" — Mfc/o- 
zine on one of the lower shelves L. Old-fash- 
ioned powder-fiask hung on r. side of dresser — 
.1// sortx of old rubbish to fill up shelves — 
skills of (iiiiimils hung on scene — one on scene 
just above lounge, tacked up lightly, so that 
Mks, Battekson can tear them down easily — 
also skin for same purpose tacked on scene be- 
tween dresser and window. 

Scene decorated prettily with all sorts of trop- 
ical palms, orange, lemon, and peach branches 
with fruit on them — also grapes on grape-vines 
and any kind of tropical flowers. 
Four big armfuls of tropical branches with 
green on them for negroes to bring on — also 
two large bunches of bananas tied on one of 
the branches for Btjjjxgs to pull off — HaA)e 
strong string tied on stalk of banana bunches 
for " Frederick " to hang them on scene by. 

DISCOVERED.— .4/ rise: 

JoHNSON^s ma?i Frederick on table, which has 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 47 

heen placed against scene heloio opening l. 1 e. 
for him to stand on {negro moves it hack into 
its place later.) 

One negro down stage c. kneeling over some 
green branches on floor — another negro over k. 
up stage ivatching proceeding — Negro on floor 
is sorting oid branches to hang on ivalls. Fred- 
KKTCK on table begins shouting ad. lib. before 
nirtnin rises at the two negroes who are to come 
on at rise from ivindow, bringing in branches. 

AT TU8E. — Two negroes enter after curtain is well 
up from window having each an armful of green 
branches. — They come on sloivly and stupidly 
and stand looking vacantly with branches in 
arms until FREDEracK tells them to put them 
down. 

]MT^SIC. — Drops to pp. at ri^e and is kept up until 
JoiTNSOX enters. 

Frederick, (spoken on table l. before rise) Here! 
'urry aloR<T: there now you lazy swine ! Bring that 
stuff in 'ere! Don't be all day about it! etc., etc. 
(Curtain rises) Come along now! this way! bring 
it in here — come now, get a move on ye, can't ye! 
(to flrst negro, who has entered from, window and 
stands holding his armful of branches) What are 
ye standing there looking at the floor for, ye silly 
looking swine? Put it down, will 3^e! (to other 
negro ivho has entered from window and stands 
holding brandies) Who are jou looking at? "Who 
do you think you're looking at? put it down, can't 
ye? Now go and bring another lot in, will ye? 
(they go off at window) That lot goes over 
there! (pointing to negro, who is discovered 
kneeling c. at rise, indicating him to take the green 



48 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

stuf beside him over r.) Come, 'urry up now I 
we've got to <^et this room finished afore Mr. 
Johnson comes in. {negro whom he has just 
spol-('n to tal'es branch of fruit, and going 
over w. with it gets up on tea chest below r. 1 e. and 
places it as high as he can on scene. Frederick has 
turned his back to him to hang a piece of green 
which he has in his hand on scene and finishes 
laJking wliiJe doing it.) If he should come in, and 
this loom wasn't tinislied he'd raise the roof off tlie 
place. (has fixed piece of green on scene, and 
hi ruing at cud of spcrrti sees negro hanging green 
high up on scene R. 1 E.) Xot so high up, you fool I 
Come down off there, yon hlasted idiot, {going over, 
pjilling him down and tal-inq green from him) 
What do ye think you look like up there anyhow? 
Who do ye tliink yon I(»ok like? You silly lookin;^ 
'* mii.irii"ins." {crossing him and going up to win- 
dow) If I don't get this done VU go on terrible! 
It's all my life's worth! — Wonder I ain't dead and 
buried lono- a«»(t ! {colling off to two negroes, who 
are coming on irllli hononos) Mere, bring that lot 
ill liej-e. Come 'iiiiy iij) now, ^et a move on ye, 
can't ye? Move along now! Move along! I know 
iluy'ic 'eavy, bnt it can't be h<'l])e(l. {negroes stand 
///; (". //•//// bananas wliicti IJicij hare brought on) 
Don't >tan(l there 'okling 'em. {gelling at them) 
You block'eads — put 'em down, can't ye? {they put 
them down and step on one side watching Frederick 
decorate scene — in fact all through the scene negroes 
let Fhedeuick do all the work and stand watching 
him irhilc he bustles about, and the only time 
they more cjuicl-ly is in the presence of JoHXSOX. 
Taling nn the bunch of bananas and hanging it 
on hool' or nail betrveen two small doors R. c.) 
And he's expecting the girl he's going to marry 
on the steamer to-day, that's why he's so furious 
about having it done, {coming down and getting 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 49 

other bunch of hananas, ivhich he hangs on scene 
between lower smaller door and opening R. 1 E.) 
Well I only 'ope after the wedding's over and 'e's all 
comfortable married and settled down like, it'll 
improve his temper I At any rate he might take 
it out of 'er instead o' me! (going over c. and 
selecting branch of fruit and one branch of foliage, 
and getting ever Ji. with them as if to hang them on 
scene"} I 'ope she makes a more genteeler mistress 
than 'e makes a genteel master ! A pretty 'ard man 
that Mr. Johnson, I can tell ye ! It was very differ- 
ent when Mr. Loundsberry was 'ere I 'E was always 
good tempered, he was ! 

{Standing over r. During scene one negro has 
brought tabh from ivhere Fredfrick has been 
standing on it and placed it bettveen ihc cJiairs L. 

( bJnter Johnson from window, negroes and Fred- 
erick have their backs turned and don't see 
Johnson enter. Johnson standi looking at 
them, all a minute then cracks big raivhide whip 
that he carries to indicate for negroes to clear 
out; as he cracks whip some go off R. and others 
L. — some sneak off quietly, others hurry. John- 
son goes over to dresser c. and pours out drink 
of brandy and drinks. Frederick stands trem- 
bling over R. and after Johnson has drunk 
speaks very meekly, touching his hat to him — 
Frederick is only noisy to negroes ; to everyone 
else very humble and respectful; of Johnson he 
is at all times mortally afraid. 

Frederick, (after Johnson drinks) I beg par- 
don — did yon speak, sir? 

Johnson, (gruff, hoarse tone) Go on! (putting 
bottle and alass down. Frederick sta^ids looking at 
him. Louder) Go on ! 

Frederick, (goes quickly up to lower small door. 



50 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

and stands on stool ncarhy and starts hanging branch 
of fruit orer door) Yes, sir! 

Joiixsox. {cmninq to Frederick at door) \)im\ 
stick tluse things there! Flowers want to o-o over 
doors. Don't vou know aiivlhin^r! Voiril he han^- 
incr the place with cahbages next ! 

Frkdehick. Wen ^\y. Founsherrv was Vi(\ sir. 'o 
used to 

Joiixsox. Shut up! (//tiusr. Fim-dkimck sfojis 
at oner) \\\\v]\ I want to liear how Lonnsherrv did 
it, ril let you know, (after glare at FhkdkhiVk a 
nionicnt he tarns and calls Id negroes. Fkkdkkick 
gets doirn from stool mid starts dotrn \i. to han<j other 
piece of green that he has in his hand) ( "ome here, 
some of you! (sereral negroes enter at irindoir. 
shoinng some timiditi/ in the presence o/ .loiixsox. 
To negroes) Take this truck away! (tricking a 
pile of fruit or branches, etc.. fJiat are taj/ing v. 
toirards them. Xet/roes (/rati up the staff indicated, 
and Jinrrij off at irindoir with it. Joiixsox tarns to 
Kiv'KDKijicK. 7o Fredkrick) Don't i)ut those thin.ijs 
up there! ( Fin:nKi{i("K is standing on tea-chest 
liefoir opening \i. 1 i:. hanging green on scene) 

FifKDKUicK. Ml'. L(iunsl)(M-iT. si., 'e used to 

JoiTXsox. (near FuKDEincK) Look here? If 
you uiciition his iianit' a,uaiii Til kick a lun^ir out of 



(froiixsox goes lip to dresser, takes tiottle and ]ioiirs 
out alt there is in it. irhich is onJg half n. glass — 
looks at it — then turns angrilg toirards Fred- 
KliTCK. irho has got iloirn from tea-chest, and 
stands t re milling w.) 

JoHXROx. Who's been at this? 
Frederick. T don't know, sir. 
JoHXsox. This was full last night ! 
-Frederick. Yes, sir — but, pardon me, sir — you've 
been to it yourself this morning several 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 51 

JoHNsox. That's enough, {glares at Frederick 
(ui instant) May be Louiisberry taught you to 

drink bis {stops iviih an idea in his mind, 

comes down to Frederick) Look here! Who was 
it that was on this place before 1 was? {pause a 
.second) What was his name- — eh? 

Frederick. I — 1 

Johnson. (looks at Frederick an instant) Go 
on ! 

Fredeiuck. Keally, sir, I — I've forgotten 'oo it 
was ! 

JOMNSON. (tialf to liimself, taming up) Devil- 
ish close shave! {as lie gets up and sees them) 
Have you cleaned out those rooms in there? (indi- 
( ating rooms up R.) 

Frederick. It won't take me a moment to sweep 
'em out, sir ! 

Johnson. Well, you want to work ! Do ye know 
it! The steamer gets in to-day. 

Frederick. No fear, sir. I'll 'ave . 'em ready ! 
(Johnson aru7ifs. A knock at opening doivn r. 1 
K.) Who's there? ' \ 

{Enter r. 1 E. a Messenger from, the city.) 

Xote: Not a uniformed messenger, hut a man 
from telegraph, office. He should he a white 
man, neatly dressed. 

Messenger. Good morning, sir. 
Johnson. Well? {nearly a surly grunt) 
Messenger. Message came in last night, sir — 
extra paid for immediate delivery. 
Johnson. Where from? 
Messenger. Havana, sir. 

Johnson. "WHiat time Avill Havana boat get in? 
Messenger. She's in now, sir. 
Johnson. In. (starting violently) 



52 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Messexgku. Yes, sir — early this luorniiig. 

Johnson, {to Frederick harshly) Clear out 
those rooms in there! {calls off at icindoiv up l.) 
Bring that mare arouml to the door, {as he turns 
from window) Damn it — I was going to meet Fad- 
dish and his daughter at the wharf! {begins to 
hurry around) Take this stuff awav. {k-ici'in(} off 
some decorative stuff) (let this room finished, do ye 
hear! {lool'infj around nimn at decorations) siic 
ought to like this! They don't see anything like 
this up in Canada! {hurries dbout as if (jniu'i) 

Mes8i:n(;i:h. But the nu.'ssage — shall \ 

Joiixsox. {ytoppiuf/. J folding out hand) Give 
it here ! 

MessiX(;i;i{. {hcsHutiug) It's addressed to Mr. 
Lounsbeiiy, and 

Joiixsox. (/;///-.v/ of uugcr) Well, what did you 
bring it here foi-y Can't you fools down there get 
it through your skulls that Lounsheri-y's sold oul 
and gone ! I own this phtce ! 

Messen(jki{. But there was a special, sir, saying if 
A[r. T.ounsheirv wasn't there, to give it to the man 
in charge. 

Joiixsox. What does the fool mean? Give it 
here! {takes dispatch and tears it open) I sent one- 
hack last week — they've sent up the same one. That's 
what they've done. 

Messexc'ek. Xo. sir — that dispatch — was from 
Xew York. 

JoiixsoN. Oh — this is Havana — {reads rapidly 
— only taJi-es a glance to do it — and turns irifh ris^ing 
anqer on messenger) ^\Tio did this? 

Messex'ger. {alarmed at Johnson's savage tone) 
Sir 

Johnson. Fll make some of you cursed whelps 
down there jump out of your skins! 

Messenoek. But T don't know anything about 

JoHXSox'. You don't know what's in it? 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 5:', 

Messenger. No — no, sir! 

Johnson", {flinging message on fioor in violeni 
rage) Well, somebody does — and I'll find out who! 
{goes toward r. 1 e. — calls off) Here — don't hitcli 
that mare ! {strides off at r. 1 e. talking in loud 
voice as he goes) I'll give 'em all the fun they want 
before I'm through with 'em. 

Messenger. 'E's in a terrible state ! ( Frederick 
rushes over quickly after Johnson's exit and picks 
up the dispatch which Jopinson cast upon tlie floor) 
What's upset him so? 

Fredertck. Why, this message 'ere signed '^ Gus 
Billings" {reads) "Dear Billy: If there 's a man 
named Johnson on your place, put him in a well." 
{both stand looking at one another in surprise) 

Frederick. I don't wonder that upset 'im. 

Messenger. It wasn't anyone at the office. ( takes 
from Frederick and looks at it) You see — that 
came through from Havana, {starting) I'd better 
set back to the office and tell them. 

Frederick. You can make the short cut througli 
the rice swamp. 

Messenger. May be I can get there before he 
does, {exit hurriedly at R. 1 e. ivith dispatch) 

Frederick. You'll've to be quick about it if you 
do! {seeing Messenger off r.) That'll make him 
simply raving for a week — though may be she'll take 
his mind off it. {hurriedly picking up some of 
green stuff on floor and going to window) Oh ! If 
he came back an' the rooms warn't cleared up there 
wouldn't be enough of me left to bury! {calls off 
ivindoiv up l. c.) Come in here some of you — come 
here! {enter the four negroes at window) Here, 
clear u]3 this stuff. Hurry up now and chuck it over 
the fence. These rooms in here ! They've got to 
be cleared out ! Come, 'urry now. Two of ye go in 
there {indicating lower room) and take them brooms 
and sweep out under them there beds — now hurry 



i-i 



54: TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

up now and get in there and get to work! Don't he 
all day, you fools! (etc.) 

(They exit into roointi up ii. c. followed by Fred- 
erick, who exits at upper door. Sound of 
Fredehick talking and scolding until doors are 
closed. Pause. Knock at opening on r. 1 e. 
Pause. BiLLiXGs knocks outside window — 
pause — BiLLiNr.s appears at window as if he 
had come around. BiLLiXGS is dressed in while 
duck — straw hat, russet shoes, with white uni- 
hrellii up. lie closes umbrella. Knocks, etc., 
in sight of audience. Then conies in and looks 
about as above. ) 

KiiJjNcs. Hullo, r»illy! Anyhody at home! 
(looks alxfuf. Starts towards door L. 1 e. Stojts — 
seeing bucket of drinking water above fable, and goes 
lo if, bus., of sitting on table drinking leisurely, stop- 
jiing (nice or twice and looking about. Goes down to 
door at L. and raps there on packing case with dip- 
jicr) Hullo! 1 say — TiOunsberrv! {pause. Bil- 
M\(is (/lances about and soon starts toward door up 
R. c. witli the idea of trying there — leaving dipper in 
bucket as lie pa^sses. Fredehick r^ishes on fro in upper 
riHiiu and goes into lower room and comes right out 
again and rushes back into upper room. Billtxgs 
stands by table l. watching him curiously. After 
Frederick has gone back into upper room) He'll 
eoine out again in a minute! Tliere's a chap tiding 
to ]ilay '" tag " witli himself down here in the tropics. 

Frederick. Xow take those rugs out in the ward 
and knock the dirt out of 'em. Xot this way. Go 
back, you fools! Go out the windows! (enters, 
turns and suddenly stops by door -on seeing Bil- 
lings) Beg pardon, sir — t (Billings looks 

coolly at Frederick) Did you want to see Mr. 
Johnson, sir? 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 55 

Billings. You've o-ot a man named Johnson here, 
have you ? 
' Fkederick. Yes, sir. Was you looking for him? 

BiLLiXGS. (shaking head and strolling down a 
liWe) Xo — I wasn't looking for him. {turning to 
Frederick, who stands eyeing him curiously) Say! 
is the proprietor of tliis — ranch — anywhere around? 

Frederick. The proprietor, sir? Yes, sir, 'e's 
just gone down to the city, {going down to Billings 
L. c.) T was wondering whether you wanted to see 
Iiim — er 

Billings. Yes, I do want to see liim. 

Frederick. The fact of it is, sir, 'e wa-^ e^:pectin' 
some parties hy the 'Avana steamer, sir- 

Billings. Oh — all right — then he got my dis- 
])atch. {crosses Frederick to r. c.) 

Frederick Yon, sir! 

Billings. Yes — cabled I'd be along. First I 
send him a dispatch from Xew York then T cabled 
liim from Havana 

Frederick. — yes, of course, sir ! A^ery sorry 'e 
missed you, sir, but 'e'U be back in no time — {go- 
ing up to door up R. c.) Your rooms — they're right 
in 'ere, sir 

Billings. What's in there? 

Frederick. Your rooms, sir ! 

Billings. Well, let 'em stay there ! 
' Frederick, {coming doivn to Billings) They're 
not quite ready, sir, but it won't take a moment to 
sweep 'em out, sir! Did the — lady, sir^ — {glancing 
about) did she come up with you or 

Billings. Oh, the ladies ! No — I thought Fd 
come up alone first — left 'em on the steamer — asleep 
— Eather early, you know, when I — the ladies were 
very tired, you know — thought I'd let 'em sleep ! 
Told the stew^ard not to wake 'em up — (aside) 
Gave the steward ten dollars not to wake 'em up — 
(sudden thougtii, looks at Frederick, pulls out 
money) Say — got another horse? 



5G TOO MUCFI JOHNSON 

Fjikdekick. Lord! Yes. sir I As many as a^ou 
like! 

BiLLiXGS. (gives Frederick a bill) Jump on the 
fastest nag in tlie lot — and head him off. Don't let 
him wake up the ladies. I've got to see him first — or 
there'll be trouble. (half afiide) Give the whole 
thing away. 

Frederick. Yes, sir! But 1 don't know as — — 

BiLLiXGS. That's all right — FU fix it with him! 
(urgiiif/ Fredeiuck toward opening l. 1 k.) 

Frederick. Well, sir, if you say it's all right- 



BiLLixcs. Of course it is — he'd do anything for 
nie. 

Frederick. Then FII trv it, sir! (rashes off al 

L. 1 E.) 

RiLLiN(,-s. (calh'ng off lo Frederi("k) Do vou 
think you tJin do it ? 

Frederick, (oaiside) Yes. sir! 

RiLLixcs. Then do it! (iurns and lounges on 
fable) 1 ho[)(' he does it ! By Jove, if Billy gets there 
first, I'd have to begin all over again. Well, 1 su]v 
pose I can do it. Fve done it before, (wall-inq about 
stage) Pretty nice place Billy's got here! What a 
lot of stufli' he's got growing around the room ! He 
must think he's in a conservatory or something. 
Oranges and lemons — oh. no — they're nailed up. 
that's what it is — (sudden tbongtit) By Jove! 
He's been decorating for us. (going up) Well, bless 
his heart ! he was always a good fellow, Billy was — 
(up stage getting cigar out) ]\Iighty nice place to 
stay do^\^l here ! Pretty hot ! but then it's hot in 
Xew York sometimes. (lights cigar) I remember 
it was quite warm just before I left. Lucky we 
had that week in Havana to rig up for this climate. 
T came away without a solitary thing! Had to make 
the ladies think another man's trunk was mine. 
Cost me ten dollars to the other man to keep him 
quiet, (going down R.) Well, if I'd known Billy 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 57 

was fixed up like this, I'd have come down before. 
I'll strike him about next winter — that's the time 
to hit these tropical places. These Northern win- 
ters are enong-h to drive a man to drink. 

(BiLLixGS Jays on lounge smoking. Noise outside 
of carriage wheels, carriage stoppi^ig, and trunk 
being taken of — pause, and negro enters R. 1 E. 
ivith trunk, singing to himself, he brings it on 
and sets it up stage r.) 

Billings. By Jove! That's one of ours! 

(Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings enter r. 1 e. 
Negro waits respectfully until they are on stage 
then exits R. 1 e.) 

Mrs. Batterson. There he is! {seeing Bil- 
lings) 

Mrs. Billings. So he is! What did you run 
away and leave us on that boat for, Augustus. 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes — I should like to know 
what it means? 

Billings. (sitting upright on lounge) Oh — 
nothing much. I thought I'd come on ahead and — 
(motioning toward decoratio7is and smoking quietly) 
dress things up a little. 

Mrs. Bellings. (going to her mother. Looking 
at decorations) Why, mama, do see what he's done! 
(Mrs. Batterson looks about critically — and at 
Billings) 

Mrs. Billings. Now you see — your suspicions 
were perfectly groundless ! 

Mrs. Batterson. He did all that this morning, 
did he? 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, he couldn't have got here 
before! (bus., embracing Billings) How good of 
you, Augustus! (kisses him) 



58 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

BiLLJXcs. (c.) That's all right. Now you— 
just sit around — and enjoy yourselves a few minutes 
— rest — and drink water — and all that. Now there's 
no ceremony around here — make yourselves per- 
IVctly comfortable: do just as you like — if there's 
anything you see you don't want, why take it I or 
anything else you like — I shan't be gone a minute! 
(going toward door u. 1 i:.) T got to catch Billy 
outside. 

Mifs. BiiJJNcs. Where are you i^oinff? 

Billings. Speak to one of the boys — rooms are 
right theie — {indicoiinq rooms up n. c.) Back in 
a jiff. 

{Ea-i't BiLLixcs, H. 1 K. .1 noise outside u. of heari/ 
trunk t)(nu)C(l ((oii'u on porch.) 

Mrs. Billinc^s. What was that, mama? 

Mrs. Batterson. {looHng r. 1 e.) The men 
getting down our other trunk. Here! Bring them 
in! We don't want them left out there! (negroes 
cuter \\. 1 v..— -\st negro carrying trunl- on his shoul- 
der — negro who brought on first trunk walks last, 
singing to Jn'niself; as they pass ladies they take 
satchels, etc.. from them which they have l)rought 
on — they alt go towards room r. c. ^Ihs. Batterson 
shoirs first negro where to put trunk, etc.) They 
are to go in here, (holding door of room up R. c. 
open) T^on't knock against the wall, (negro with 
trunk carries it into room: other negroes folloiv him 
in, singing and laughing) ^lercv ! TiOok at them 
all cland^ering out of tlie window! 

Mrs. Billings. (^Irs. Batterson at door. Mrs. 
Billings l. c.) Isn't it pretty here, mama! I'm 
so glad we came! (crossing over r. Mrs. Batter- 
son looks ah out for the first time. Soon sees the col- 
lection of tobacco pipes on the wall, between window 
and opening L. 1 E.) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 59 

Mrs. Batterson. Mercy on us I 

Mrs. Billings. Why, what! (looks ahout) 

Mrs. Batterson. Pipes! Tobacco pi}>es! Did 
you evei ! 

Mrs. Billings. Yes — but what harm is there? 

Mrs. Batterson. (interrupting) Haiin! I 
won't have such things about the house ! Not while 
Tm here! (seizes two or three clays which are in 
the pipe-rack and breaks them, throwing them on 
floor — then takes pipe-rack off wall preparatory to 
throwing it clown) 

Mrs. Billings. I'm afraid he'll be very angi-y, 
mama ! 

Mrs. Batterson. (pauses in act of throwing down 
jnpe-7'ack) Who — that overseer ! (Mrs. Batterson 
throws jyipe-rack on floor above table L. Enter Bil- 
lings at r. 1 E., cigar in hand) 

Billings. What broke? 

Mrs. Batterson. (turning to Billings) To- 
bacco pipes broke ! Your man had the wall perfectly 
covered with them. You know my feelings about 
such things. Cigars are bad enough! 

Billings, (aside) This'll orive Billy a couple of 
fits. (Billings goes near to Mrs. Billings) 

Mrs. Batterson. (going toward door of room up 
R. nearest c.) Now I'll look at our rooms. 

Billings, (to Jennie, dotvn r. c.) Say — don't 
let her go on like this — s — she'll wreck the whole 
place. (Mrs. Batterson opens door of room r. c, 
and goes in) 

Mrs. Billings, (to Billings) Yes, but what 
can we do? 

Billings. I do' know — Ask her where she thinks 
she is. (Billings goes l. and up to dresser, puts his 
hat down there) 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, but what good will that do? 

Billings. Well, just ask her, for a flyer, (goes 
up c.) 



tJO TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Battersox. {coming out of room up R. c.) 
Why, 1 never saw such a place in all my life ! Noth- 
ing on the floor — no chairs — no towels — beds as hard 
as rocks! (Mrs. Battersox glares at Billixgs, up 
c, as if for som^e explanation) 

BiLLiXGS. (quietly) That's the way it is down 
in Cuba, (going down and sitting on table) 

Mrs. Battersox. Well, I don't care how it is in 
Cuba, (going over to lounge and seizing robe off 
same and skin off wall nearby) We're going to have 
a place to sleep, (goes over to Billixgs at table l.. 
II nd shal'es skin in his face) Come and help me, 
dear I (giving robe and skin to Mrs. Billixgs, who 
is R. of her. She turns then from Mrs. Billixgs 
(uid goes up and grabs rocking chair from window 
and skin on irall nearby — and drags them over to 
door up R. c.) \^'e'll try to make the place habitable 
at least. (Mrs. Billixgs has taken robe into room 
u. V. and stands by door up R. c.) Just look in 
th(M-eI (Mrs. Billixgs looks into rooms) 

Billings, (takes a puff or two at cigar watching 
liiis.) Say, — hold on a minute. 

^[RS. Billixgs. Mercy I 

Mrs. Battei{sox. Did you ever see anything like 
it I (Mi{s. Ba'i'tersox comes doicn and pulls table 
cover off table and fro in under BiLLlXGS, who is 
seated there — on word " man ") But what could 
you expect when there's nobody but a man to look 
after things? (goes np again) This will go on over 
the mattress. We'd both better stay in here, (indi- 
cating room up R. c.) Come and help me fix up the 
bed. (Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs exit 
together — dragging things, etc., in room up R. C.) 

Billings, (seated on table — as ladies exit) Say! 
Hadn't you better leave us a rug or something? 
Say I You forgot to take the floor ! When 
Billy gets back he won't recognize the place ! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON CI 

(going toward room ladies Itave gone into) Say, 

look here r( Billings shuts door of ladies' room 

tvhen Frederick enters) 

(Enter Frederick hurriedly from r. 1 e. — out of 
i; breath from riding ; he runs across to extreme 
L,, then turns and comes up to Billings c.) 

Frederick. It's alright, sir; I caught up on him, 
sir — he didn't get there! I came on him just down 
the road a bit. Most fortunate thins^ — his saddle- 
strap broke — ^and pitched 'im clean off 'is 'orse. 

Billings. Don't say! 

Frederick. Yes, sir, and he told me to tell you 
he was coming right along. 

Billings, (glances at door ladies ivent through) 
All ]i;j:ht — guess I'll go out and meet him — old 
friend, you know. 

Frederick. Yery well, sir. 

Billings. Ladies in there. Look out for 'em, will 
you? I'll make it all right with you. (Billings 
starts down towards door r. 1 e. Puts cigar in 
mouth) 

Frederick. Yes, sir; certainly, sir. (Frederick 
following Billings down) When Mr. Johnson 'eard 
you'd got here, sir, he was quite put out. 

Billings. (Billings, who had started to go r. 1 
E., stops and turns to Frederick, on his mentioning 
the name of Johnson — coolly takes cigar out of 
mouth and looks at Frederick) Who? (pause. 
Frederick and Billings stare at one another a 
moment) 

Frederick. Mr. Johnson, sir. (They again re- 
gard each other unth interest.) 

Billings, (coming to Frederick) See here! 
You have been telling Johnson about this? 

Frederick. Yes sir — wasn't that (hreak) 

Billings, (leaving Frederick again) What you 



62 TOO MUCH JOHNSON , 

want to tell him for? 1 don't see. {puts cigar in 
mouth) 

Fredehjck. Was you — was you 
him, sir? 

BiLLiN(Js. {turns again and looks at Fkedkkick) 
Surprise who? 

FiiEDKHicK. Mr. Johnson, sir. 

BiLLiNtis. {removes cigar) Say — who is Jolinson, 
anyway? 

FuKDKnicK. He — he's the owner, sir. 

HiLLlNcs. {((joks at Frkdkkick fl moment) Owiu'r 
of what ? 

Frkdkhk K. 'I'he 'ole phice, sir. I'm his man. 
{slight pause. I>ii. linos calmly regarding 1''i{K1)- 

KUICK) 

BiLLiX(j8. Where am I ? 

Frkdeuick. You're 'ere. sir! 

BiELlN'(;s. Where's Hilly I»unsberry? 

FREDEurt'K. {going to Billixgs) Mr. Louns- 
l)erry, sir? Oh, he was 'ere but he sold out to Mr. 
Johnson and went hack to X'Orleans. (Billixgs 
looks steadilji at Frederick a moment. Then tosses 
cigar away, may take a final puff at it first, and goes 
up to door up R. He knocki> at door with vigor. 
Frp:derick goes over t/nick-ly over l., regarding 
Billixgs with wonder) 

Billixgs. {speaking against the door) Come out, 
(|uiok! {goes (juickly down In Frederick, getting 
money out. To Fredehick — giving money) Go and 
liitcli up a teai!K We've trot to strike a doctor. 

Frederick. Doctor, sir! Is anybody 

Billixgs. Anybody ! Didn't you hear her scream 
just now? 

Frederick. Xo, sir! 

Billixgs. If I don't get her there in tw^enty 
minutes she'll have another spasm. And then an- 
other and another, {hurries Frederick up and off 
at window) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON ^3 

Frederick, (as he goes off at windoiv) Yes, sir! 
As soon as ever I can. 

Billings, (as Frederick goes off) That's right ! 
Hurry now! Don't stop for anything. 

(Enter Mrs. Billings from room up r. c. followed 
hy Mrs. Batterson.) 

Mrs. Billings. What is the matter? 

Billings, (standing holding on to chair r. of 
tuMe L., swaying to and fro and feigning symptoms 
of yelloiv fever. Speaking in holloiv, i^attling voice) 
Get your things. — get yonr things ! Get yonr things ! 

Mrs. Billings. Mercy — Wiat is it? 

Billings. Don't: — ask! (with furtive gesture as 
if hand fell) Have to go quick!! 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Oo! What 
do you mean? Why! What is it? {each speaks 
only a part of speech. Pause. Billings sways.) 
You are ill, Augustus! What is it? 

Billings. Fever ! 

Ladies. (Billings stands stiffly, rigidly. Sways 
a little) Ah ! 

Billings. Swamp ! Full of deadly microbes. 
Had a touch last time. Feel it coming now. Second 
time fatal ! (stands as if dizzy — sways — holds on to 
chair) 

Mrs. Batterson. Fever! 

Mrs. Billings, (standing a little away from 
Billings in sudden alarm) Oh, Augustus, you 
don't mean — yelloiv 

Billings. Xo, some other color — Just as bad 

Mrs. Batterson. Why, he looks perfectly well! 

Mrs. Billings. Yes — you do, Augustus! 

Billings. That's the way it is — look well, but 
turn black afterwards. 

(Goes with difficulty down and sits first on chair 
r. of table, then on table, then on chair l. of 



r»4 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

I able — moving from each as if in great pain — 
and finally sits on table) 

^[h's. Btllixgs. {going (/uiH'ly to Billings — 
I urns anximishf to Mks. Batthhsox, who is r. c. ) 
Oh. mania! He is il] I 

Mi{s. Battf-ksdx. It's all iiiiaoinatioii. {goinq 
l(/> c.) 

AIus. HiLLixcs. Oh. 1 hope so! Doifi you think 
it's imagination. Augustus ? 

Billings. {drcawihj) Yes — imagination— 

(murmurs) Let me throw it off — (Billixgs leaves 
(able and goes feebly over with Mrs. Billixgs — they 
iralk up and down c. Billixgs finally collapses c. 
.Mi{s. BiLLiX(;s catcJtes hint on n. Mus. Battkrsox 
rushes doirn in titne to support him) Tlirow it oft'I 
{collapses V. ) 

Mks. BlLLlN(;s. Oh! {<ry (if alarm) He is ill ! 
(bus.) He is, mania ! 

^Iks. BATTKifsnx. Here. Help him to that lounge. 
(they help Billixgs to lounge. hi,s legs going even/ 
H'h ich way ) 

BrLLlX(;s. ( murmuring as he sfands before lounge) 
f^egj^ — nossing l)ut legs— gave out. — cut 'em oiT — be 
all right in the morning. Ha, ha, ha! Throw it 
oil*. (//■/'/// spasmodic ware of arms — collapses on to 
lounge. Hysterical and gaspy laughter) 

^Frs. Billixgs. Oh! Can we do anything for 
you ? 

BiLLiXT^s. Wa'er — wasser (violent motions 

toward water bucl-et) 

Mas. Billixgs. Mama! Water! Quick! 

Mrs. Battej{Sox. Yes! yes! (hurriedly gets 
dipper of water from bucket by table L. Billings 
seizes it — gurgles and bloirs it all ahovt in tremulous 
avidity) 

Mrs. BiLLixas. We must get him away — oh we 
must! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 65 

Mrs. Batterson. Why didn't he tell us about that 
swamp before? Come — help me — I've got all the 
things out of the trunks! (Mrs. Batterson hurries 
into room up n. c, taking dipper with her) 

Mrs. Billings, (hurrying) Yes. Do you want 
anything, x\ugustus ? 

Billings. Take me away ! Take me away ! Let 
me die in Yonkers ! Yonkers ! (Billings doesn't 
Jie on lounge, hid sits in a weakly sort of way. 
Rattles in throat) Yonkers! Yonkers! 

Mrs. Billings. Yes, darling ! You shall die in 
Yonkers ! ! Yes, lie still I Oh, dear ! 

(Exit into room up R. c.) 

(Sound of Johnson's hewvy step outside l. Bil- 
lings gets quickly up on noise outside and darts 
to door of room up R. where Mrs. Billings went 
off. Johnson stalks in door doivn l. just as 
BiLLi.NTGS goes to door up R. Billings turns 
quichly — hotli stand regarding each other) 

Billings, (turning and speaking hack through 
door in rapid aside to ladies) Don't come out! 
There's a doctor here ! 

(BiLLiNOS quickly turn to Johnson, icith careless 
and jovial expression. Johnson stands by 
table h., extending his hand to Billings) 



Johnson. Say! My name is Johnson! 

Billings. How are you? (Billings comes down 
and shakes hands with Johnson) Heard of you 
before, (glances around behind) 

Johnson. Heard of me! ( /o 0^5 a^ Billings an 
instant) I should say so! 

Billings, (turning again to Johnson) Fact is, 
Mr. Johnson, there is a little mis^ 



(jlj TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

JoHNsox. (interrupting) [leard of (Bil- 
lings breaks off and stands observing him. Jonx- 
s()\ bursts into boisterous laugh) Haw I Haw! 
Haw! Yoirro one of tliose funny men! 

1)11.1, 1 \(,>. ^'('s, of course. (41a(l yon look at it 
lliat way. 

.loiiNsox. ("nrsed luck — missed getting down to 
meet yow — when I've lucn countinu- oji tliat steamer 
Tor six montlis. 

Hir.i.i.\(;s. Six mdiiths, cli? Well, you got about 
nineteen weeks ahead of me! 

JoiixsoN". What (N) you iiicaii!-' {slight pause. 
Hn. iJX(;s (UkI .Ioiinsox h>nl.-iug tit ouc another) 
Dam nation. Ffn/dish, wasn't it all lixcd u|) hist .lan- 
iiaiy that you'd hi ing her (h»wn the lii'st <»t' dune? 

lill.i.l NO'S. Of coui'sc. ohl hoy. (aside) (ireaf 
Scott ! ! lhi< is Kachlish's dohnsim. 

doiixsoN. V(>s. sir-ce. I've hcn-n counting on that 
steauK r for six months. In there, ain't slie? 
{urging liiu.iNcs toward door up u. c. ) 

BiLLixos. Say — h)ok here 

Jofixsox. Haw! haw! haw! (tri/ing to get to- 
ward doors up \i.) Come! I.cnime see lier. 

l^n.LiX(;s. llohlona minute. {\^iiAA:<(is prevents 
hnn from passiug. and theg t)oth get orer al)ove table: 
L. near ptpe-rack on door) See here, ohl man, there's 

a. little mistake ahout this. My name isn't 

(Joiixsox sudden! If nnlit-cs tin- irrcckage of his 
pipes on the floor) 

doiTXSOX. {i/ell of rage) 

I^iLLiXGS. — my name isn't 

Joiixsox. {points at debris. (jaspin(/ with ra(/e.) 
\Mio did that? Who did it? 

BiLLix'^GS. Sorry and all that — hut when she sees 
pipes they simply give her fits — and 

Johnson. She! Fits! I {tln'nl-s — begins 

to soften down) Oh — e — she 

Billings, {nods) That's the idea, Judas 



00 MUCH JOHNSTON 67 

Tscariot ! 1 can't tell him now — he'd wipe up the 
floor with me. (Billings moves up near door up 
II., as if to keep ladies from hearing) 

Johnson. Vghl {controls himself — pnlls at his 
collar) If pile did it — let it go ! 

Billings. Yes — nothing else to do, is there? 
Johnson. Ugh! (starting toward door up e. c.) 
Xow I'll see her, if you please ! 

Billings, (hringing Johnson down l. again) 
Say — hold on — fact is the ladies are dressing — and — 
Johnson. Ladies! How many have you got in 
there ? 

BiLLiX(;s. Only got two. 

Johnson. Two! Who's the other one? 

Billings. My wife, of course — and 

Johnson, {loud bellow) Wife! What the 

(Billings regards Johnson watchfully) Your 
brother told me you was a widower ! I was guaran- 
teed — by Cain-^that her mother was dead and 
buried. 

Billings. Who guaranteed that? 
JoLiNsoN. Your brother. 

Billings. Well, you'd better see him about that! 
Johnson. Well, {crossing over r.) I won't have 
that girl's mother about the place. What you've got 
to do is to git 'er away from here. 

Billings, {entering right into it with sympathy) 
Of course! I'd feel just that way myself. Y^our 
man out there's hitching up a rig just for that pur- 
pose. You keep quiet, now, old man. I'm right 
with you in airthis ! {enter Mrs. Batterson door 
up R. Billings sees her out of corner of his eye.. 
QuicMy getting Johnson over to down l.) Yes, of 
course — {taking Johnson toivard left) I know my 
pulse is bad, but that's the way it was before. (John- 
son stops at left, and stands looking at Mrs. Bat- 
TERSON, Billings unable to move him further) 
Johnson, (seeing Mrs. Batterson) There's 



GS TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

your wife. Where's the girl? (Mrs. Billings 
enters from same room. Seeing her) There she is! 
There she is ! {gradual change in Johnson's face. 
His dull, ugly look gives place to a pleaded expression, 

going into a rapid grin) I'll just {starting as 

if to cross to Mks. Billings) 

Billings, {stopping hivi (ilmost before he starts) 
Xo — no — wouldn't do at all — she's so tiuiid. 

( XoTi:. — Ladies Jiare stopped an instant, standing 
looking at Bn. lings and Jonxsox) 

Mrs. Billix(;s. {coming down to Billings l. c.) 
Oh, you're hetter, Au<iustus, aren't you? (Johnson 
tratches ^[rs. Billixgs iritli broad grin, and sparl-- 
ling eges) 

Billings, {(/uic/rli/ tal-ing Mrs. Billin(js up stage 
again) Over tlu' tli'st one all rii^^ht — nuiy get oft' 
before the next. 

JoiiNsox. Siie's fine — ha, ha! Siie's A. 1. {going 
np. BiLi,iN'<;s leares ^Frs. Billings, meets him, 
brings him doirn again ) 

BlLLiN(JS. (ilad you like liei-, old man — hut don't 
let her see it at the start. 

Mrs. Billin(js. {coming doirn to Billixgs) 
Yes! but what did tlie doctor say? 

Billings, {taking her up again) He didn't say! 

Mrs. Battersox. {coming to Billings) But I'd 
like to know why we 

Billings, {urging her up to room r. c. and politely 
handing her into room) Tell you some otlier time. 
Have the carriage liere in one minute — wait in 
there ! Doctor wants to be alone. He wants to 
think — you know doctors think in Cuba ! 

{^yhiJe Billings is seeing Mrs. Batterson off, 
JoriNSOX gradually sidles up stage toward Mrs. 
Billings. She backs away from him, and 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 09 

BiLLixos parses her into room, and turning 
nieets Johnson and brings him down l.) 

Billings, (to Johnson) See here now! Don't 
go on like tlii.- — you're beginning all wrong. If you 
go on this way you'll break up the whole thing. I'm 
going out to get that team, and I'll be back in one 
minute and then I'll tell you just what to do — if 
you do the wrong thing we're lost and the whole 
thiiig goes up. You'ao been thrown off a horse, 
haven't you? 

Johnson. Yes. 

Billings. Well then, sit down, {urging him to 
chair L. of table r.) You can sit down, can't you? 
(Johnson sits) That's right, sit down. Sit there, 
now — keep quiet — I'll be back in one minute — if you 
speak to her now she'll faint dead away. Do you 
know what to do when a lady faints? Well, don't 
do it — now keep quiet, {goes up to window) This 
is getting to be a corker, {exits at window) 

Johnson, {seated) What's the matter with him? 
Why don't he want me to speak to her ? Timid, eh ? 
Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, no wonder. She's a beauty! 
I didn't think she'd look like that. 

(Mrs. Billings comes on from room up r. c. with 
satchel which she places down near head of 
lounge, then goes bach to room again and speahs 
off to her mother. Johnson regards her from 
table with longing eyes — she sees him looking 
at her.) 

• 
Johnson. What is she doing? 

{Seeing Mrs. Billings bringing on satchel, etc. 
When Mrs. Billings speahs off to her mother 
Johnson rises, goes up above table and begins 
arranging tie, hah% etc., at glass on wall near 



70 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

hool'slielf, griiming all over liis face with satis- 
fadion at the pro,spect.) 

Mh8, BiLLixcJS. (speaking off) Are you nearly 
ready, mania? He'll be here in a moment. (John- 
son goes quickly up to glass) 

Mks. Battersox. {appearing at door up n.) I 
think it's a shame to hurry us away like this! 

Mrs. Billixcs. {a glance at Joiixsox) Oh — I 
don't care — it's too hot here for me. {going r. a 
little — crosses to r. of her mother) 

Jonxsox. {going toivard Mrs. Billixgs) No, 
no I Not you I (xMrs. Billixgs steps back surprised, 
not a start, but (/uiet, retiring irhite looking at Jonx- 
sox. ^[rs. Battersox looks at him from doorway 
up R. Au instant's jmuse) You're goin' to stay 
i-ight liere. {near dresser v.) 

Mijs. Battersox. {steps forward between Mrs. 
BiLLTXcs and Joiixsox. After slight pause for 
tableau. They are all well up stage) Do you sup- 
pose, sii', that T would go away and leave my daughter 
in this place? {moment's surprise on Joiixsox's 
part) 

Johnson. (). well then, you needn't go! We can 
«:et along! 

Mrs. Batterson. T doift understand you, sir. 
{dignified) 

JoiixsoN. 1 won't lay it up against you! The 
pipes are broken and gone, {turning to pipe-rack on 
fioor and picking up some of the pipes) 

Mrs. Batterson. {after a moment's pause, to Mrs. 
Billixgs) What is the man talking about? 

Mrs. Billixgs. {to Mrs. Battersox) I'm sure 
I don't know. 

Mrs. Battersox. {crossing Mrs. Billix-^gs to r. 
1 E.) Come! We'll wait on the piazza — it's very 
close here. (Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billings 
start toward r. 1 e.) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 71 

JoHNSOX. {going toward them a little) Hold 
on now ! You ain't taking her off ! Understand 
that! (Ladies draw up in indignation before him) 

Mrs. Battersox. What do you mean, sir? You 
are ridiculous I You — we — we don't know you, sir. 

JoHX^sox. Don't know me. 

Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs. No! 
(Ladies turn away haughtily) 

JoHXSOX. Ugli ! I see — you don't know ! Ha, 
ha, ha. {deep chuckle) Ha, ha. I'm — e — {slight 
hesitation) 

Mrs. Battersox. {to Johxsox severely) That 
is quite sufficient, sir. {turning away — they are both 
going) 

Johxsox. No — wait now — my name's Johnson. 

Mrs. Billixgs. {unde?- breath) W — li — what! 

Mrs. Battersox. {looks at him an instant) Oh! 
So you are Mr. Johnson? 

Johxsox. Yes, ma'am — ha, ha! I'm the one! 
{chuckles as he looks at Mrs. Billixgs) 

Mrs. Battersox. {cold severity) I have heard 
about yon, ^Ir. Johnson. 

Johxsox. Heard about me ! Well I should say 
so! Ha, ha, ha' ha! {approaches Mrs. Billixgs) 
Ha, ha! {holds out hand) How dy do! (Mrs. 
Billixgs frightened after a cold look at JoHXSOisr, 
backs up stage R. c. Johxsox^ follows her up). Why, 
you're not frightened of me are you ? ( Mrs. Batter- 
sox^ has looked at this bus. too astonished to speak) 
Ha, ha! {comes down towards Mrs. Battersox) 
She's too durned shy. Ha, ha ! But she'll get over 
it. You've raised cain around here — {pointing to 
pipe-rack) but we'll let it all go — on her account. 
{holds out hand to Mrs. Battersox) Welcome to 
the Columbia ! 

Mrs. Battersox^. {recovering speech) No, sir! 
That is going a little too far — for one in your posi- 
tion. 



72 TOO :\IUCH JOHNSON 

Johnson, {standing aghast) Eh I 

^fijs. Battkr.son. And let me add, sir, for one of 
your charaoterl (Johnson stands motionless an 
ins'ant ovenrhehned with astonishment) 

Johnson. Say — I'd like to know — (stop an in- 
stant choking with rage) 

Mils. Batthkson. It is only for the sake of some 
one else, sir, that I do not publicly expose you. 

Jojcnson. {choking and gagging irith rising 
anger) Kxpose uie ! Kxp, — I — look here. You he 
a little eaiefiil or ril — (Mus. Billings who has been 
up stage a liiilc tomes (town between ttiem — ]\Ius. 
i]ATTi:];soN goes up) Or I'll — No — 1 — {bus. of 
calming down as lie faces ^lijs. BtlliN(;s. Goes to- 
ward MiiS. BiLLTNcs a step or two, grinning at her. 
To Mrs. Bili.tngs) I won't mind her — eh? If 
you say so, eh? ll;i. Iia ! {lie grins und c/nicks Iter 
under t/ie rtiin. ) 

^lus. BlLLixcs. Maiiiii ! {(trairiug uwag instinc- 
(iretg keepinq her cges ou him) ^lania I 

Mrs. Battkkson. {coming between them and 
adraiicing on .loiixsox fiercely) Stop it. sii-I What 
do you nieau hy it? (Johnson, doirn \.. is stopped 
f)g sudden relioneiice of Mus. Battkhsox and .stands 
surprised. Hoth ladies stand an instant looking 
indignant! g at him ) 

^Irs. Batterson. {turning to ^Irs. I>illings a.^ 
if to ignore Johnson altogether) Is your trunk 
T eady ? 

Mrs. Billtngs. Yes, mama — all hut shutting it. 

Mrs. Batterson. Well go and shut it. (Mrs. 
Billings starts — goes up) 

Johnson. See here now, you ain't 

Mrs. Batterson. Silence, sir! (Mrs. Billings 
fakes corner to l., — stops and looks aronnd on this 
passage, but starts again toward door — sees little 
saclcs of coffee on dresser up c.) 

Mrs. BillinGhS.. {stopping and looking at sacks} 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 73 

()h_^vhat's this! See mama I {holds up two of the 
littJe bags) A whole lot of little bags! 

Mrs. Batterson. {turning to Mrs. Billings 
from R. c, JoiTXSOX is L. c.) Yes, quite pretty. 

Mrs. Billings, {down l. c.) What do you sup- 
l)ose they are? {bringing them down to Mrs. 
Batterson ) 

Johnson, {stepping forward) That's coffee, 
^fa^^lll — very choice — {the ladies listen tvithout turn- 
ing to Johnson, a little mollified hy his manner of 
s pealing) Out of a five hundred acre crop, we get 
only a dozen little sacks like that! (Mrs. Billings 
smells of it) 

Mrs. Billixgs. Oh! {rapturously) Isn t it per- 
fectly delicious! Just smell of it, mama! (Mrs. 
Batterson tal-es it — about to smell) 

Johnson, {roughly good-natured, softened by ap- 
precialion ladies show of his coffee) Yes, go on 
and smell! You never st.ruck a brand— (Mrs. 
Batterson pauses in act of raising sack to her nose 
and gires Johnson a look— Tie stops, she then smells 
of the coffee leisurely) 

Mw^. Batterson. Quite remarkable! 

Johnson. Every berry selected, ma'am! Money 
couldii't buy coffee like that! 

^Trs. Batterson. {paying no attention to John- 
son) We will take some of this home with us. 

Mrs. Billings. Oh yes. {going up) {they go up 
hurriedly begin to gather up the bags. Johnson 
stands dumbfounded. Mrs. Billings sta/rfs toward 
door up R. with sacl's of coffee). (Mrs. Billings 
tal-es coffee into room R. c.) 

^ifRS. Batterson. We can take them all, I thmk 
—there's room in the tray in my bonnet-box. 

Johnson, {stepping forward) See here ! That 

coffee 7 J. . T 

Mrs. Batterson. {turning and facing Johnson, 
spcal-s' with sererity, with two of the bags in her 



74 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

haiid) That will do, sir. (JoiixXsox .s7,o/m) When 
we Wiuil furtlitT iiit'ormation about this coffee, we 
will l(t you know. (Joiixsox ak-es ^taae \.. Alits. 
i>iLi.i.\(8 has .slojjpcd ill (loonray when Johnson 
■s/;o/.v (uuJ looked (ironud. Sow goes off at door up 
if. ('.. leaves coffee sacks ami im iiwdialelii returns i > 
.Mi{8. Battehson irho is still fadmj Johnson) 
will \^ii you know. (Johnson takes sta(/e i.. Miis. 
i>ii.jJN(.s tali-es sai /i-s from Mrs. Hatti;i;son ir/m 
Ireeps her stern (jaze^ on Johnson) 

Mus. Batterson. {to Mi;s. BiLEiN(is while still 
looln'n;/ at Johnson) Put tiie^e in my bonnet box. 
{lookinf/ at Johnson. Mrs. Batterson now lets up 
on Johnson ) 

ffoHNSON. (ic((>reriin/ himself and InealritKj out 
savagely) {going to her) Say that e-otfee belono-s 
hole. 

Mrs. Battki{so\. What businc^ss i< it ol' yours, 
sir! (Mrs. Bn.i.iNcs /7'-r///r/'.s) 

JoiLNsoN. Business: P)usinessl {clndnng with 
rage, but natural I g. Sot overdone) 

Mrs. Batterson. ^'(s. tmsiness! j\Mlia|)s you 
don't know who we aic. 

Johnson. T don't care who ycui arc! I'll show 

y(ui whether 

^[rs. Bileincs. {(oming forward <piiclJg) Oh, 
mama : don't make him angry — he's dreadful I {comes 
down — turns to Johnson, wIio is up a tittle e. c. 
Mrs. Batterson. (goes up to dresser) We oidy 
thong-lit, Mv. Johnson — they were such pretty little 
packages, and sucli remarkable coffee — we'd like to 
have a few for our friends in Yonkers. (Johnson 
stares at Iter, his anger gradualtg melting away) 
They'd think so much of it, y(m see ! (Mrs. Billinos 
a tittle frightened) 

JOHNSOX. (aside to himself partly, as he looks at 
her most admiringly) She's glorious — she — 
ha, ha ! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 7.*) 

Mmh. i)ii.LiX(is. {Jiiirricdhj — sceiinj JoiixsoN he- 
(jinniufi to lool- sweet (ifjain) D<. you mind it so 
\erv iimch ? 

Jo!;xs()X. {rousing from his drecuii of hliss) 
]\iiiid it. Xo, No, why should I — when everything 
IVe got is yours! {going to Mrs. Billings as if to 
put ar?}is around her waist) We two — we two, eh? 

Mrs. Billings, {retiring again over toward r. 
l)cfore Johnson's glances, l-eeping her eyes on him, 
but turning appealingly toward Mrs. Batterson a^'i 
he romes near her) Mama — v.diy, look at him. 

Mrs. Batterson. {coming down between them 
and stamping foot) Stop it, sir. (Johnson goes 
(nvaij) 1 won't have it. 

Johnson, {turning on Mrs. Batterson, takes 
stage and back quietly, thoroughly tired of her inter- 
Jerencc) J.ook here^vhat's the matter with you? 

Mrs. Batterson. I'd like to know what's the 
matter with you, sir! 

Johnson, {going right up to her) I'll show you — 
d — d (juick! Go on much worse and I'll have you 
thrown off the place. (Mrs. Billings looking on in 
anxious alarm from R. c. Mrs. Batterson is c.) 

Mrs. Batterson. You dare to address such 
language to me, sir. 

Johnson, {crossing, walks away a little with 
ejaculation of disgust then crosses right over to Mrs. 
Billings) What do you have her here for? Send 
her away. We can get along. There's no trouble 
about us. 

Mrs. Batterson. {coming between them again. 
Bus. Johnson going down l.) Stop it, sir, you're 
a depraved and wicked man. (Johnson down L. 
again) I've heard of your dissraoeful intrigues. 
That Long Branch affair — Scandalous! 

(Enter ti7ne Mrs. Batterson comes in between them, 
Johnson takes stage with disgif^sted expression.) 



70 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Johnson. What's that? 

Mrs. Batterson. Oh yes. And the innocent girl 
you are expecting tp marry. Came down on the ver}^ 
same steamer with us. 

Johnson. Damnation. Do you s'pose I thought 
she came down on anotlier? (taking stage down L. 
niferly disgusted) She must be a gibbering idiot. 
They told me she was dead, {funis siciticili/ a 'I 
goes to ^Frs. Batterson) Look here. They told 
me you was dead. It's a damn swindle, [paces 
about) 

Mrs. Batterson. (hotly) Stop this profanity. 

Mrs. BiLMXcs. {rcnionstrati)ig) Oh — uuima. 
{not for any regard for Johnson, hut fearing his 
lent per will hrenlx all hounds) 

Mi{s. Battek'son. Mr. Billin.us sliall hear of this I 

Johnson, {stopping l. v. in Jiis feverish stalking 
ahouf and looking at Mrs. Batterson) Who? 

.Mks. Batterson. And one thing more 

Mrn. Billings, {to Mrs. Batterson) Oh do 
stop I 

Johnson, (recovering speech) I^et her go on; 
Let her go on ! 

Mrs. Batterson. Jn the first place, regarding 
your staying here. 

Johnson, (savage irony) Yes, what about that? 

Mrs. Bait'erson. We were just going away — but 
I shall certainly stay long enough to have your busi- 
ness attended to. 

Johnson. (hlazing mad) Ah! (Johnson's 
eyes roam wildly about) 

Mrs. Billtnos. Oh do stop, mama. 

Johnson, (savage irony) Let her go on. (turn- 
ing to Mrs. Batterson) What a]x)ut my staying 
here. 

Mrs. Battkrson. Mr. Billings will attend to 
that, sir. 

Johnson, (roars it ou.t) Billings. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 77 

Miis. Batti^ksox. Yes — Billings. 

JoTiNsoN. You send Billings to me — and I'll 
plug him so full of lead he'll be worth a dollar a 
pound. 

Mrs. Billixos. (subdued cry of alarm) Oh! 

JoHXsox. Show me Billings — (down front) 
Bring him around where I can break a jaw out of 
him. 

Datiiis. Ladies ! 
(Joiixsox is raging around at left v. Ladies are at 
K. c. and they are involuntarily retiring up a 
little on this last violent outbreak.) 

(Enter at r. 1 e. Dathis with satchel and pair of 
fencing foils, red and breathless from rapid 
iralking in hot sun. He stops near door.) 

JonxsoN". (hand on hip pocket, roaring it out) 
Ts that Billings ? 

]\li:s. BiLLiXGS and Mrs. Batterson. Oh — etc. 
(JoHXsox speaks through this. They show anxiety) 
(Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs, partly to 
JoHXsox) Oh, no. (Johxsox turns away tvith a 
grunt) 

Mrs. Battersox. No — it's a friend of ours. 

Mrs. Billixgs. We met him on the steamer. 

Johxsox. (taking hand away and sort of going 
down — sort of groivl of assent) Oh. (Johxsox 
glares conteuiptuously at Datiiis) 

Dathis (botes) It is the right place, I think. 

Mrs. Billixgs. (slight misgiving arid anxiety) 
Oh, yes — this is — (slight gasp and glance at John- 
sox) — the place. 

Johxsox. (loud voice) What does he want? 

Mrs. Billixgs. (aside to Mrs. Batterson) 
Mama ! He must not know — who that is — yet. 
( indicating Johxsox ) 

Mrs. Batterson. (aside to Mrs. Billings) No 
— not now. 



78 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Billings. (aside to Mrs. Batterson) 
Wait till Au(j:iistus comes back! 

JoiiNsox. Wliat does lie want, I say! 

Mrs. Billings. We invited him to come! 

Mrs. Batterson. He — he came here to inquire 
— how we did 

Dathis. {advancing quicJdy over to John- 
son L.) No, no. Zthat ees a mistake! {crosses to 
Johnson) If you must know. I came in search for 
b^ome one. 

Johnson, (facing Datiiis) Who? 

Dathis. (cj/es; fij-ed on Johnson) Tell me 
xliis if you please! \vo you zlie overseer of zhis 
plantation ? 

Joirxsox. N'ot \)\ a {turning from him and 

going doirn L. ) 

n.VTFiis. {following him down) Zhat is just as 
well for you ! (ladies stand up R. r. (fuite alarmed) 

Jonxsoy. {turning on him) If I was — what of 
it— eh? 

Dai'IIIs. If you was hcem — why zhen T would 
ask you foi' soniezin*^. 

JoFiNsoN. {in Jiis face) Well, you go on and ask 
it. Maybe 1 can <ret it for you. (the two glare at 
enc/i oilier a nioment. [)A'rHis suddenlg turn.'^ and 
goes up to ladies) 

Dathis. {to ladies) 'I'liat is not zhe man — no 
— zhat is not heeni — eh ? 

Mrs. Btllixgs aiid Mrs. Batterson. (to 
l^ATHis) Oh no! No indeed. 

Dathis. Aloes! (-"^hrug) I will not waste my 
time, (ivhile Dathis converses with ladies, John- 
son glares at him in a heavy rage) If I could be 
permitted to bathe ze face and hands, Madam 

^[rs. Batterson. Certainly — you shall have this 
room. Mr. Dathis. Right next to ours, (leading 
wag to door up r. on R. of their own room) 

Dathis. I shall excuse myself for one moment. 
(Exit into room) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 79 

Johnson, (starting forward) Here. (Johnson 
has watched this scene in amazement. Ladies turn 
quickly. Starting forivard) Here, that's my room. 

Mrs. Battkrson. {intercepting him) We re- 
(|iiiro it for the use of our guest ! You'll have to find 
some other place to stay. {Exit into her room up 
If. c. In stately dignity, JoUowed by Mrs. Billings) 

Joijxsox. (maizes start toivard door where Mrs. 
Hatterson icent) Say, look here! Do you think 

I'm going to (Mrs. Billings slams door 

riolently in his face. Johnson stands an instant 
facing door that shut in his face) 

{Enter Bii.LTXGS hurriedly from window, goes to 
Johnson up r. c.) 

BiLLiNcs. Smv, look here, old man — iiiggevs out 
there won't give me a team unless you tell 'em. 
Can't you — {tools at Johnson, who turns toward 
him trying to speak) Anything gone wrong? 

Johnson, {gasping ivith rage, and pointing to door 
where Frenchman ha,^ gone, trying to speak hut his 
rage is too great for tvords) 

Billings. Speak right out. I can stand any- 
thing. 

Johnson. {raging and growling it out) A 
cursed French idiot {pointing to Dathis' room) 

Billings. Say — you want to look out for that 
chap — he's a terror. 

Johnson. Look here you {stops before Billings 
and shal-es his fist at hisliead) If you wasn't Fad- 
dish — if you wasn't her father — I'd 

Billings, {grabbing Johnson's uplifted fist and 
shaking hands vigorously with him) course you 
would — {hustling him over to window) — but 
as it is, we're right in together. Now, look here, 
old man, you hurry up and get me that team, and 
I'll have iier out of here in one minute, {hustles 
Johnson of at windoiu) 



80 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

.JouNsox. 'JY^un, what team? 

Billings. Why, to get the old woman out of here. 

Joiixsox. (hurries off) Yes, I'll get you the 

Itaiii. 

{Xoiscs of people on venuida outside u. Billinc.s 
luruM to (JO \i. to see irhat if is. Enter Mk. 
Faddish mi't Lkoxoka. followed bi/ ^Fackin- 
TOSH at K. 1 K. They are very tired and dusty. 
Tliejl carry Ixiyyaye and parcels of rarious de- 
scriptions. 

(Hflltx(;s r/oes across to meet the Faddfsm parly 
without delay.) 

I)iLLiX(.s. Ah — how do you (h) — got here, d'uhrt 
you? Yes — t^o I see — of couise. ( Faddish es nnrr- 
III or f/reetinf/s fo BiLLixciS and l)us. of shal-ing hands 
iniriiily Ihnnujh early pari of his speech, lie yoes 
riyhl on. farnriny this bus. hut not allowing them 
to start in) So sorry you had all this trouble for 
nothing. (Faddisiies look at Billix(js astonished.) 

Lkoxoua and Mackintosh. Nothing! 

BiLLixcs. Yes — he isn't here. 

Faddish. Wliat? Dear me. 

lii:o\ORA. There, papa. 

HiLLix'(;s. Said he was going to meet some one 
at the steamer 

Faddish. Why, he means 

BiLLix'cs. (urging them all the time to door n. 1 
i:.) Pel haps he does — never thought of that! Tjeft 
woid he'd he at the hotel all he morning, and told his 
man to go out and order him a first-elass parson and 
a dozen on iee. 

Faddish. Parson ! On ice ! ! Dear me — why 
we'd better- 

Billings. Might be just as well — awfully sorry 
to lose you — but perhaps youHl drop around some 
other time — Good-bye I (bus. of urging them all 
toward door r.) I'd send you down in a carriage, 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 81 

liut all the horses are out ploughing coffee — good- 
livc ! good-bye ! 

Faddish, (rattled) But — dear me — you don't 
sujjpose. 

Billings. Must say it looks like it. Good-bye. 
(still urging them till they are nearly off at door 
]{. 1 E. Faddish nervously) 

Faddish. Come! Come, vay dear, (about to de- 
part) 

Lmon'oua. Papa ! 1 simply can't go another step! 
(leaves others and drops on lounge) 

^Mackintosh. Oh! (coming to Leonora on 
lounge and standing above her) She's so tired! 

liiLLiXGS. How sad it all is 

Faddish. We can't wait a minute! Not a 
minute, (at back of lounge) 

Billings, (shaking hands ivarmly with Faddish 
across lounge) Can't you! That's too bad! But 
if you must be off 

Leonora. If I could — only have a little some- 
tliing — to keep my strength up ! 

Billings. Yes, of course, (gag) Then you 
could go, couldn't you? I'll get you something, (hur- 
ries about looking — gets a pan of raw potatoes from 
dresser up centre and brings it down. Offering 
TjEO^oji A ^potatoes) Here, try this, not very nice 
but it's all right on the inside. 

Leonora. But I don't like raw potatoes. 

Billings. How did that occur? (Mackintosh) 
Here, won't you try half a dozen raw? (Mackin- 
tosh refuses it) Here, you'll have a raw (to Fad- 
dish. Faddish refuses if. Billings goes up to 
dresser and looks around for something eatable.) 

Faddish. But we can't waste time. 

Mackintosh. You will kill her, sir! 

Faddish. That will do! 

Leonora, (sadly but hastily) Isn't there some 
coffee or somethino:? 



82 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

BiLLi.vus. There's something — but there isn't 

any coffee. Here! Wait a minute {goes up to 

dresser and brings down little sack of coffee, ivhich 
invst he left there for this bus. by ladies in earlier 
part of scene; it is open ready for bws.) Here's 
some coffee I Just dug this morning. Put some in 
your pocket and chew it on the way. (giving 
Leonoiia .7 handiful of it) Here, 1 want you just 
to try tlie flavor of it. (puts some in Faddish's 
mouth of turns to Mackintosh) Here, won't you 
try a little of this coffee, etc., etc. 

Faddish, (turning about and moving round nerv- 
ouj^ly) Oh — thank you — you're veiT kind. 

BiLLixGS. Xothing at all — it's the way we do in 
rul)a. Oo()d-l)ye. 

(Jhi.^incss of urging them off as he shal-es hands. 
Enter Johnson suddenly from window. He 
stops dead on seeing the crotvd. All stop an 
instant and look at Johnson) 

Johnson, (loud voice) \Mio are you? What do 
you want? ^^'ho are they, I say? 

BiLLiN(;s. { moving quicl-ly /?P(7r Johnson) You 
see 

Johnson, (pushing past Billings) What did 
you come for — eh? 

Faddish. We came — to see Mr. Johnson. 

Johnson. Well, I'm Johnson! What is it? 

Faddish., Leonora, Mackintosh. (astonish- 
ment) What! Oh! (etc.) (exclamation in 
unison) 

Faddish. Why we came, you know — about the — 
the marriage ! 

Johnson. My marriage ! 

Faddish. W^hy yes ! We — e 

Johnson. What in the devil's name have you 
got to do with it? 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 83 

Billings. {letting Johnsox down — coming 
around between Johnson and Faddish) 'S all 
right, old chaj) — sort of poor relatives of ours — 
and 

Johnson, {loud voice) Relatives! Send 'eiu 
l)ack home! Get ^em out of here! {down l.) 

BiLLixos. {turns cheerfully on Faddish — wJio 
has been meekly waiting and watching scene. To 
Faddish) Well, you see how it is. He says you've 
got to go 

Faddish. Why — there must be — some mistake. 

Billings. That's what it is. He says you're the 
wrong party. 

Johnson, {to Billings) Look here. Faddish! 



Faddish, {a-hout to answer) Yes, sir — I- 



Billings. {coolly stopping Faddish) Wait a 
minute — I'd better see what he wants. (glides 
(juicl'ly to Johnson) 

Johnson. Did your old catamaran bring that 
lot down here? 

Billings. Believe she did — as a favor to you, old 
man. {hand on Johnson's shoulder) 

Johnson. Eh? 

Billings. Thought you'd need more help around 
the house. (Johnson stares at Billings unable to 
speah) •Hang it, my boy — niggers can't do everything 
— you ought to know that. 

Johnson, {slightly mollified) Oh! (looks at 
Faddish crowd) Can they work? 

Billings. Like dogs. All they want is discipline 
and you're just the man to give it 'em, we heard 
about you. But there's one thing. Whatever you 
do, don't let 'em talk. 

Johnson, (bus. shaking hands) I'll look out for 
that, (looks at Faddishes. Billings retires up a 
little. Johnson swaggers over to c.) 

Faddish, (going to Johnson) If there's any 
mistake, sir 



84 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Johnson. Shut up! (Faddish stops astonished) 
Wlieii I want you to talk I'll let you know. Now, 
as you are relatives of my future wife — you can stoj) 
here awhile. But I ain't going to have a lot of 
idlers sitting down on nie! No, sir — you've got tu 
woik if you stay on this place — that's settled ! 

Faddish, Leonora, Mackintosh, (astonished) 
Kh? Work — (etc.) (they exchange glances of sur- 
prise ) 

Joiixsox. 1 said work, didn't 1? 

Faddism. Rut, iny dear friend, you don't 

.loiiXsoN. Sliutuj)! You're too cursed familiar — 
ihal's v.hat you aie I 

Mackintosh. {throwing down package and 
(i-nssing orrr to Johnson) Listen to me, sir. 

.loiixsox. (fnrning) Eh! What's this? 

Mack IX TOSH. I am not a relative 

Johnson. Well, what are you? 

Mackintosh. Sir — (standing bravely forth) I 
— love the ])oor girl who is hetruthed to you — whose 
life you 

Johnson, (gasp of astonishment) What! (looks 
III r)ii.i.[X(;s) 

IiiLi.iX(;s. Has "wheels in his head." (Billings 
films away and walJiS around near fable) 

Mackixtosh. I love, her, sir, and she loves me. 

Johnson, (bursting witli laughter) Ijoves you ! 

Lkonoka. Yes, yes, she does. 

Faddish. Stop, I say ! 

^Fackintosh. I will not stop ! And I appeal to 
you, sir — I appeal to you as a man — ^as a brother. 

Faddish, (crossing to Johnson) Don't mind 
liim, sir. It's all right between us. (bus. poking 
Johnson in the stomach. Going back to Leonora 

Joiix'soN. (backing to near table) Well, this is 
pretty cool, by Cain. 

Billings, (over l.) Yes, it's the coolest thing I 



TOO MUCIi JOFINSON So 

ever saw? But lie's a mere boy — a stripling I You're 
not going to mind a stripling, are you? 

JoHNsox. (f/oifig c.) Well, look liere, you 
young stripling or whatever you are you can work 
v^■it!l the lect — or get out — do you hear? That'll do 
now. I've heard enough. (Mackintosh goes over 
lu other side of IjEOXORA extreme ii. To all Fad- 
j) Sii's partij) Xow, come! What are you good for? 
What can you do? Eh? 

Faddisi;, LEOxora, Mackixtosh. Vv' hat ! Good 
for? V\liy, meicy! He isn't going to 

Jonxsox. Hovr are you on your pins? {to Fad- 
dish) 

Faddish. Pins, sir? 

JoHXsoN. I said pins, didn't I? Come, walk 
around a little — let me see you walk. (Faddish 
.starts walking in a circle cloivn L.) Heigh ! Did you 
hear that — (going to Faddish and starting him 
round) I said, walk! That's it ! Faster! Faster! 
Move "along now. You, too^ — (to Leonora, tvho 
starts and foUoivs Faddish around) All of ye! (to 
Mackintosh, who also starts off. Going fo Billings 
irho is seated on table L.) What's the old man's 
name? 

Billings. Blodgett ! 

JoHxsox. (turning to Faddish) Moa^c along 
th.ere, Blodgett — (to Leonora) Hold your chin 
up, will ye! (to Mackintosh) What's the matter 
with you ? 

(Faddish /;a?'t// walhing. At same time show that 
'.- they are completely mystified, and alarmed) 

Johnson, (to Billings) A cursed poor lot — 
that's what they are! See 'em walk, will ye! 

"Billings. Yes — of course — but there might be 
something else they could do better. 
(Johnson and Billings talk. Enter Mrs. Billings 



86 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

from room followed by Mrs. Battekson. They 
see Faddish pai'ty walking, and after an in- 
stant's pause, go right down to them) 

Mrs. Billings, Mrs. Batterson. {going to Fad- 
dish, Leonora, Mackintosh) Oh, how de do! 
You got here, didn't you? ^yhy, what ARE YOU 
DOING? 

Faddish. Oh, yes ! Good morning. 

Mackintosh. We don't understand this at all. 

Leonora. Isn't it dreadful? 

{They all stop walking, Leonora nearest the centre 
of stage) 

Johnson, {suddenly seeing they have stopped 
walking) Go on there, walk. I didn't tell ye to 
stop. 

{The Faddish party at once begin to walk around 
as before. Johnson drinks, Mrs. Billing8 
joins Leonora as she walks around, asking her 
ad lib. for an explanation — then goes over to 
Billings at table) 
Mrs. Billings. Dear me. What are they doing, 
Augustus ? 

Billings. Walking. (Mrs. Billings leaves 
Billings and goes up again) 

Mrs. Batterson. {coming to Billings) What 
for — pray ? 

Billings. See whether they'll do or not. 
Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson. Mercy! 
Mrs. Batterson. {suddenly indignant) Well, 
I should like to know why he is doing it here — in 
our house. 

Billings. That's all right — let him have it for 
an hour or so. (Mrs. Batterson joins Mrs. Bill- 
ings again) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 87 

Faddish, {going over to Billings, keeping feet 
going all the time like a ti'eadmill) Would you 
{)]ease tell me — what he means by this? 

BiLLTXGs. Nothing at all — 's way they do in 
C'liba. 

(Faddish goes i\. again and falls in with others 
walking. Johnson comes down c. and to L. 
Johnson's eyes are fixed on Mrs. Billings) 

liEONOiiA. OH, I'm so tired! 

Mrs. Billings. What a perfect shame! (goes 
V. to Johnson who is l. c.) Mr. Johnson, I beg you 
to let them rest. 

Johnson. You ask me that — ^you 

Mrs. Billings. Why are you so cruel? 

Johnson. Cmel! Ah, no — it is you who are 
cruel, since you do not let me speak one word of love ! 

(Mrs. Batterson starting with astonishment, looks 
at Johnson. Faddish, Leonora and Mack- 
intosh stop walking and look at Johnson) 

Mrs. Billings, (as she retreats from. Johnson) 
What do you mean, sir? 

Johnson. I mean that for you — {going to take 
Mrs. Billings round waist) Light of my soul! 

Mrs. Batterson. {quickly going between John- 
son and Mrs. Billings) Stop it, sir! 

Johnson, {going doivn l., turning on her) Ain't 
I going to say what I like to her? 

Faddish, {to Johnson) Not — not before my 
daughter, sir! 

Johnson. Your daughter! What the devil — 
HERE ! I'll show you whether 

(Johnson goes quickly and seizes Mrs. Billings c. 
and before anyone can stop him^ forcibly hisses 



83 ; TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

her on L. side of face. Mrs. Billincs sci-eams. 
IkiLLixcs insiantlij cuffs J owtssoyi acr'oss the 
head fiou) up l. .1^ same instant ^Irs. Billings 
backs quickly to Mrs. Batterson, ivlio holds 
her — her head turned so sue looks sideways at 
Joiixsox. }.!i?^. Hattkhsox lioldiiuj ^[rs. 
Billix( s glares at Johnson. Leonora clings 
to FADDisir. Mackintosh stands looking from 
M. Jo! Nsox glaring at Billings. Billings 
coolly reqarciinq Johnson. Tableau an instant. 
When Bfllings strikes Johnson, MUSIC ff., 
droji ini mediately to pp. and kept up fill cue. 

r.ii.i.LXcs. 'S ooiiii: <\ little too fai". my boy. 

{/'Jtilcr Dathis iloor up stage R. c.) 

Johnson, {recovering speech, and breal-iug oal. 
and about to draw revolver on Billings) By ("aiii. 
ril make yoii pay for this. (to Billings) 

Mrs. Bili.ixcs. (seeing Johnson about to draw 
pistol, throws herself between them and stands in 
front of Billings to shield him) Ah I Mr. Jolni- 
i-on ! ! {to Johnson) 

Dathis. {doirn cjuickhj lo u. side of Johxsox) 
Ah I Johnson! (Dathis slaps Johnson a ringing 
blow, across back of neck. Johnson turns on him, 
Dathis crosses round in front to \.. of him.) You 
will perhaps eonsent to fis^ht wiz me ! 

Johnson. Fight ! Fight ! The man who strikes 
me lias got to pay for it right here ! 

(Draws revolver. MUSIC ff. till end. Mackintosh 
grabs him around neck from in front. Fad- 
dish, Leonora and others hold on to arm that 
has the pistol. They drag him up toward 
lounge. He breaks aivay down stage. All 
rush down and drag him back. As they reach 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 89 

lounge second time Faddish jumps up on it 
and holds him round neck. Billings and 
Dathis remain over l.) 



TABLE A U— CURTAIN 



ACT III 



SCENE — Same as Act II. Supposed to he very 
early morning; have red sunrise effect at win- 
dow and opening r. 1 e., change to white when 
Dathis enters. 

VMOVEWn^^.—Same as Act 11. except chair 
under hoohshelf l. Stool over l. ahove opening 
L. 1 E., water bucket moved from behind table 
and placed in corner above l. 1 e. Chair over 
at head of lounge in place of stool. A full 
brandy bottle on dresser. White robe on lounge 
as at opening Act II. MUSIC pp. and die 
away at rise. 

DISCOVERED. — Frederick looking off at opening 
R. 1 e. 

(Enter Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings from 
their room up r.) 

Mrs. Batterson. (going l. c.) Mercy! Did 
you ever pass such a night? 

Mrs. Billings, (r. c.) Do you think they've 
fought yet? 

Mrs. Batterson. What time is it? 

Mrs. Billings, (looks at watch) After seven — 
Augustus went out — oh — before sunrise. It seems 
perfect ages. (Mrs. Batterson sees Frederick at 
door down R.) 



90 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Miis. Battkksox. There's Frederick. 

FiiEDKKicK. (turning) Yes, mum. 

Mrs. Battkk'SON. Can you see anything of them? 

Frederick. No, nuini — not anything at all, mum. 
(Mrs. BiLLiN(JS listening eagerly to Frederick's 
words) 

Mrs. Battkrsox. Vou liaven't heard a — a 

Frederick. No firings took place, mum — I'm sure 
Fd 'ave 'card if it 'ad. {pause. Ladies look around 
s/iudderingli/. Alifs. Batterson sits R. of table) 

^[rs. BiLLiN'ciS. We couldn't stay in our room. 
{sits at foot of lounge) They might hring one of 
I hem hack all — all mutilated and — and dreadful. 

Frederick. So thev might, miss, {still looh'iiKj 

"ff) 

Mrs. Bjluncs. And — you kiu)w — onr window 
opens right 

Frederick. So it does, miss. 

Mrs. ]>illiX(;s. {after a short pause) Which — 
which do you tiiink will — will he 

Frederick, {qaichly, turning to her) Now don't 
you he alarmed, miss! You ain't agoin' to lose 'im I 
(Mrs. BiLLixciS simply lool-s at Frederick in 
astonishment) 

Mrs. Battersox'. {after a short pause of sur- 
imse) To whom do you refer? 

Frederick. ^Ir. Johnson, mum. Oh, 'e can take 
care of 'imself. She ain't no cause to feel oneasy. 

Mrs. Batterson. {cold firmness) I should re- 
gret to have either of the gentlemen injured, but if 
one of them must necessarily suffer, 1 should cerainly 
prefer it to be Mr. Johnson. | 

Frederick, {after hlanhly surprised look goes off 
to Mrs. Batterson at table) Then — then I sup- 
pose, mum, you'd like to break it off. 

Mrs. Battersox. Break what off? 

Frederick. The marriage, mum. 

Mrs. Battersox, Oh — as for that — it hardly con- 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 91 

cerns nie — but of course the poor girl would never be 
l^nn^y with i^ucli a inan — never. 

Fkedekick. ^E is pretty 'ard, mum, an' I know 
it — tliere's few as knows it better — indeed I — I was — 
a — iliinkin' of telliiig you so — but it would 'ardly do 
for me. 

]\iL\s. Batterson. Why there's no reason why you 
siioiild say anything to us about it — you ought to 
speak to the oirl herself. 

Fiii:n[<:RTCK. (pause) Yes, mum; if you say so, 
mum. (goes over to Mrs. Billings. Pause) 
Really, miss, I didn't quite know as how it was my 
pirco to speak to you about this! 

Mrs. Billtxgs. About what? 

Frederick. About Mr. Johnson, being such a 
'ard man, miss. 

^Irs. Billixgs. Anyone can see that! no neces- 
sity for you mentioning it to me ! 

Frederick, {somewhat teivildered) Yes, miss. 
{noes G. and addresses Mrs. Batterson) I suppose 
I'm extraordinary selfish — for I'd 'ate to 'ave Mr. 
Johnson knocked under as it ud throw me out of a 
])]ace. That's pretty mean, I know — but we must all 
look out for ourselves, mum. 

i\Irs. Billings, (sympathizingly) Why yes — that 
would be too bad. 

Mrs. Batterson. (good-hearted) We like you, 
Frederick — you seem honest and faithful — and I'll 
say this much, that if anything happens to Mr. John- 
son, we'll keep you right on here just the same. 
(Frederick looks at Mrs. Batterson hlankly) 

Frederick, (as if not knowing what he said) 
Th — thank you, mum. I — I'll just go an' see 'ow 
those new people is doin' (goes toward opening L. 1 e. 
in a dazed manner as if doubting whether the ladies 
were sane. No comicalities in this, however; make 
it perfectly serious and natural) 

Mrs. Batterson. Frederick, (rising and going 
c. Frederick stops and turns) 



92 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Frederick. Yes'm. 

Mrs. Batterson. Do you know where our slio^s 
were put? 

Frederick. Yes, mum, cert'n'ly. {turns and 
speaks off L. 1 e.) 'Ere, I soay— ain't the ladies' 
shoes done yet? 

Faddisii."^ (outside l.) Yes — yes. 

Frederick. Well, bring 'em 'ere, you bloke, (to 
Mrs. Batterson) 'E'll 'ave 'em for you in just a 
moment, mum. Everything's so upset with ail this 
fighting an' 

Mrs. Batterson. Oh— it's quite excusable. 

Mrs. Billincs. Yes — quite. 

(Enter old Mr. Faddish hurriedly l. with ladies' 

ivhite shoes — blacking brush, etc. He enters, 

not expecting to see the ladies here. Frederick 
goes up and looks off at window) 

Faddish, (as he enters) I'm sure I can't remem- 
ber which — oh — ^good morning. 

(TABLEAU. Faddish in shirt-sleeves, standing 
with shoes, hru^h, etc. Ladies are astonished) 

Mrs. Batterson. Is it ix>ssible — that you- 



Faddisti. Yes — dear me — it's most annoying, 
isn't it ? 

Mrs. Billings. Why, I never heard of such a 
thing. 

Mrs. Batterson. (indignation rising) It's out- 
rageous. 

. (Enter Leonora with broom and du^stpan) 

Leonora. I don't know where to (seeing 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Frederick 
comes doilDn L.) Oh! (stops embarrassed. Mrs. 
Batterson and Mfts. Billings look at Leonora in 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON c^o, 

amazement. Enter Mackintosh ivith towels, etc., 
and a large pan or pot which he has been wiping) 

Mackintosh, (to Leonora) Here it is, my 
darlirg, in the — — (stops on seeing hfdies and 
stands) 

^Iks. Batteeson. (tuTfiing angrily on Fredkkick 
ivho has come l. of MackintosiH What does this 
mean? 

Frederick, (alarmed) What mean, mum? 

Mrs. Batterson. Making them do such things as 
this. 

Fr] derick. I — I was ordered to, mum. 

Mrs. Batterson. Ordered to! Ordered — (over- 
come with anger) — e — Do you know who owns thi- 
place ? 

Frederick. Yes, mum. It was him as told me 
to do it. 

Mrs. Batterson and IMks. Billings. What! 
(Mrs. Batterson looks at Mrs. Billings) 

Mrs. Billings. My husband — told von. (com- 
ing c.) 

Frederick. Well — yes, mum — I spose you could 
call him that, it's so near. 

Mrs. Billings. W1iat! Augustus. 

Mrs. Batterson. Oh, it's very likely. 

Mrs. Billings, (to Frederick, sternly) Did 
Mr. Billings order you to do this? 

Frederick. Mr. Billings, mum. 

Mrs. Billings. (almost violently) Yes, Mr. 
Billings. 

Frederick. No, mum. (shaking head) 

All. Ah! 

Frederick. It was Mr. Johnson, mum. 

Mrs. Billings. Of course it was. (they all 
group together c. iallcing ad lib. till Mrs, Billings' 
next line. Frederick goes over bach of them and 
looTcs off n. 1 E.) I knew there was some mistake. 
Augustus would never do such a thing, (they break 



94 TOO lAIUCH JOHNSON 

II ]i group and fall back to old positions in a line. 
Mackintosh, Leonora, Faddish, Mrs. Batterson, 
Mrs. BiLLiNds) 

Leonora. ] do hope the French gentleman will 
ki'! that dreadt'iil man — even if he is your overseer. 

Mrs. Battkrson. We liope so too. 

Leoxoka. Oh, do 3'ou? 

Mrs. Billix(;s. Oh dear — it seems so dreadful to 
liMve anybody killed. 

Frederick, (who is lookin,(i off r. 1 e. without 
tiirnin;/ round, signals with left hand to others to he 
(/iiief) Sh ! Sh ! (all turn heads together and loolc 

off L. 1 K.) 

FifEDKincK. {turning to them) I think I see 
somotliing, iiuim. [turns head quicMy and looJcs off 
R. 1 E. again. Others all turn heads quicl'lg and tool' 
toward.^ Fi{i:ni;incK. Pause. Frederick turns to 
til em again) Can T look out of your window, mum? 

MiiS. BAT'i'Kitsox. Yes, yes, go right in. (Fred- 
i:rick turns up into room up R. C. Mrs. Batterson 
follows up Inward door. ^Trs. Billings timidly 
follows at a iiifle distance) 

Mrs. Billinos. Mama. (Mrs. Batterson 
turns) Are you — goino^ to look at them? 

Mrs. B a'I'thhsox. There's no need of our looking 
<»ut — it wc don't want to — (EXIT into room up R. c. 
Ma.'^-kixtosh has gone up to window to looh off) 

Mrs. Billings. Yes — but — (hesitates — looJcs 
'iround room) Mama! I don't think I want to! 
(EXIT into room up R. C.) 

Faddish, (to Leonora) Wait here! I will see 
wliieh is — (hesitates a moment) 

r.KOX^ORA. Yes — go and see. 

Faddish. Yes, yes. (EXIT L. Slight pause) 

T^EONORA. (stands absently tenth broom — dust-pan, 
etc. her eyes on vacancy. Mackintosh with dish- 
u-ash bus. — after a few seconds^ goes towards her) 

Mackintosh. Darling ! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 95 

Leoxoija. Oh, Harr}^ — {hurying her -face on his 
bosom) (Raising her face) Harry, I can't have you 
stay here doing these menial things — 1 can't bear to 
ree you so humiliated, "i'ou must go. I ask you to, 
Harry, I ask it. 

]\fACKiNTOSH. (striking picture with dish-pan and 
cloth, which he has in his hand all the time) I am 
going to stay with you to the very end. 

Leonoua. Oh, Hariy. (laugh, head on his bosom 
again) 

Mackixtosm. We mustn't give up hope! 

Leoxoili. (looking up) There can't be any hope. 
It's the other one that's killed. I feel it. (Fred- 
erick rushes on from door up R. c. Leonora and 
Mackintosh turn to him) 

Frederick. They're coming back! 

Leoxora and Mackintosh. Who! 

Frederick, (rushing across) Mr. Johnson and all 
of them. (EXIT l. 1 e.) 

Leonora, (after Frederick has gone off) Oh, 
there's no hope ! Yesterday he sent word to a Notary 
to come here early this morning. Papa heard him. 

Mackintosh. "^This morning! 

Leonora. Yes, 

Mackintosh. I'll fight the fellow ! That's what 
I'll do! 

Leonora. Oh, it would be suicide ! He'd kill you 
you, Harry, he would! 

Mackixtosh. Let him do it ! That's better than 
to be alive and know that you are here — ^with him! 

Leoxora. Oh no, Harry, it would be simply 
murder ! 

Mackixtosh. Not if he fights fair, and I'll see 
that he does ! He won't pay any attention to what I 
say. I'll write it ! (Leonora stands bach in despair) 
I'll write him a challenge, (throws down dust-pan 
and cloth and looks about) Here's some ink ! (brings 
ink down to table) If I can only find some paper. 



96 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

V\'1k'1(.' f1o they keep it, {looking on shelves of dresser 
up (\) Do you see anythino- I can W7ite on? 

Leonora, (both at dresser up c. Leonora r. and 
^fA(^Kl,\TG8]t L.) ()h no! llon-t do it, Harry, don't 
don't. {cUnqs to him, Leonora puts dust-pan and 
In'ush down on dresser) 

■ Mackixtosm. (pushing her aside) Vm going to 
— you needn't try to stop me! He thinks because I 
am t'loni Canada he can treat me as a dog! He'll 
find tliat 'dog? From Canada' have teeth! If I had 
liiin on a football field with my double grip around 
that bull-neck of his — I'd twist the life out of him! 
He wouldn't be anywhere! (going up again to 
dressfr) 

Leonoka. Oh, but he'll have a knife or a pistol. 

Mackintosh. I don't care what he has! Here, I 
must have (Something to write on. (rips off cuff') 
'rhi< will do! He'll know I mean business when he 
x'ls this, (goes to table and writes, Leonor-\ follows 
orcr (I little and stands \\. of him) (Seated r. of 
table) (Writing on cuff) '^ Joseph Johnson Esq. . . 
Hereby chalhiiore you . . . fight to a finish . .'' 

Leonora. Oh ! 

MACKiNTOsir. '' Satisfaction of a gentleman . . . 
whatever weapon you please to name . . . arrange 
details. . with the gentleman who " (stops suddenly) 
Who can T iret? I must have some friend! (turns 
to Leonora) Can't you think of someone? 

Leonora. Mr. ... 

FiEONORA and Mackintosh, (together) Billings 

Mackintosh. He'll act for me! I'm sure of it! 
{hast ill/ finishes letter) There! He's got to pay 
some attention to that! Tf he doesn't I'll brand him 
as a coward! (rises) 

Leonora. Oh, don't you brand him, Harry! 
Let Mr. Billings do that too! 

Mackintosh. I'm the one to do it Not Billings t 

Leonoija. (getting hold of cuff) I'm not going 
to let vou do this! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 97 

Mackixtosii. It's too late now! 

Leonora, (trying to get cuff aivay from him) 
No ! It's not too late. 

Mackintosh. Don't you interfere ! 

Leonora. Yon shan't do this until we've tried 
everything else. 

Mac1vI?^tosh. There's nothing else to try! 

Leonora. Yes, there is — perhaps Mr. Billings 
can help us some other way. 

Mackintosh. What can he do? 

Leonora. Oh, I don't know — but this Johnson is 
] lis overseer— and he has such influence. Oh, I'm 
sure he could do something! Promise to see him 
fiygt — We'll ask him — we'll tell him how it is, — if 
i]iat fails tlien you may send the challenge. Promise 
me this, Harry! Promise! {dinginq to him) 

Mackintosh. Well — I'll see him — ^but after 
that- • 

Leonora. After that if there's no other way, 
you can send it! 

Mackintosh, (emphatically) There is no other 
way. 

Mrs. Billings, (entering quickly from door up 
]{. c. and speaking) They're coming back! 

Mrs. Batterson. (following Mrs. Billings on) 
And Mr. Johnson isn't with them! (when ladies 
enter Leonora and Mackintosh turn and see them 
(juickly then get over to L. c. and luatch scene 
anxiously) 

Leonora and Mackintosh, (with sudden hope 
at hearing Johnson is not with ^ them) Oh! 
(Leonora and Mackintosh instinctively take each 
other's hands ivithout knowing it or looking at one 
another) 

Mrs. Billings. But Augustus, Mama. Where 
can he be? I'm afraid something has happened to 
him. 

All. Wby did he want to act as second to that 



98 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

dreadful man? {under breaths) Oh — no — no, 

ENTER Dathis, window up left, excitedly, in 
shirt-sleeve.^ and. with foil in hand. He starts 
across stage as he enters as if to go to his room 
R. Stops up c. when Mrs. Batterson addresses 
him.) 

Mks. 1) atti:hsox. ^Ir. Dathis. (Dathis stops up 
('. and turns. MpxS. Billings r. of him a little dotvn 
stage. Mrs. Batterson l. of him. Mackintosh 
and Lkonok'a l.) Tell us — what 

Dathis. (m a violent temper — turns to ladies) 
[ have been rfeceivcd ! All was ready ! I win ze toss 
for choice of arms — I choose ze sword — Ze rapiers 
were raised so — (gets into position for duel) The 
word to come! En ^^rarde. monsieur! (strih-es atti- 
tude of fight) Your husband — (to Mrs. Billings 
as thougli it were her fault) called to desist — He 
woidd see ze photo<>raph. We look. Zis man John- 
son was not ze same. But he said it was nossing. He 
would be ze same. I said ver well — eef you wish. En 
garde, nu)nsieur. Your husband, (to Mrs. Billings 
again. She hacks aivay each time as he points sword 
at her) zen ask zis man when he was in New York ze 
last time. He said not at all — at any time! Zhen 
your husband said it could not be ze man. But zis 
man Johnson is a liar — yes — foi- he zen would make 
eet out zat he was in New York at whatevair time we 
please to say. But zhe doctor said no he was here 
at zhat time — zhe fight could not go on. Very well ! 
It seems I have come to zhis place for nossing. 
(starts toward opening at r. 1 e. and exits) 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (following 
DATiris off and expostulating ad. lib.) But — Mr. 
Dathis. Why, how could we know, etc. etc. 

Dathis. (outside. Leonora and Mackintosh 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 99 

stand silent lool'inq after Datiiis and Mks. Battek- 
soN and Mrs. Billings. Enter Frederick saddenhj 
at L. 1 E.) 

Frlderick. Here, I say he's right here, {running 
over to r. as he enters and speaks) 

Leonora and Mackintosh. Who? 

Frederick. Get to work 'e'll go on awful ! 

(Mackintosh hastens to opening l. Leonora runs 
up to dresser and gets dustpan and brush luhich 
she has left there during previous scene ivitli 
Mackintosh. Then hastily joins Mackintosh 
at opening l. 1 e. Frederick follows her over 
trying to urge them off.) 

Leonora, {as she goes over to l.) Isn't it a per- 
fect shame! 

Mackintosh. I won't stand it ! 

Leonora, {just as they go out) No, no, Henry! 
You'll only make it worse! (EXIT Leonora and 
Mackintosh l.) 

Frederick, (as ho goes off after them) Come! 
'Urry now! 'E's right 'ere! (EXIT l. Short 
pause. Sound of heavy steps on veranda up l. c.) 

(ENTER Johnson at window up l. c. stalking 
noisily on, in a blind sort of rage. ENTER 
Billings, following closely after Johnson up 
L. c. He goes at once to packing case by dresser 
up c. and hops easily up sitting on it, pushes hat 
back as if to get more air, and sits keeping an 
eye on Johnson^ who paces savagely and blindly 
about the room. Johnson strides about, fum- 
ing, blaspheming to himself — half aloud, but 
not so that it will be distinctly heard) (Bil- 
lings bus. of getting cigar ready to light) 
(Johnson now breaks forth audibly) 

Johnson. So! I ain't the man it seems ! {over 



100 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

R. c.) (Looks angrily at Billings, ivJio hites end of 
cigar) You heard him say that ! 

EiLLiXGs. Tliat's right! That's what he said. 

Johnson. He looks at a photograph (which he 
ialxcs out of his pocket, the same top half Datiiis 
uses) and finds I'm not th(^ man! Why didn't lie 
look at it bcfoie? 

BiLLiNcs. Give it \\\)\ 

Johnson. I'll tell yon this! Somebody's been 
playing me a low down blackguardly trick. 

BiLLiNc s. Sure. 

JoUNSON. (violently) Passing himself off as 
me — that's what lie's been doing! And I'll — 
n^]XTEIv Dat! IS K. followed hy ^lus. Batterson 
ond Mrs. Bfluncs still tryinq to calm him) 

Dai HIS. I ])iefer not to talk about it. (accent on 
the pre. Mrs. Battkrson and Mrs. Billings pause 
in the doonrny, lo(dnng anxiously at Datiiis and 
Johnson. Dathis sees Johnson and walks directly 
foinird^ him. lloth men stand and glare at each 
olher, down L.) 

AIrs. Billings. Oh! Are they going to fight? 

BiLLiX(;!s. (enjoying cigar) Looks like it. 

^li;s. F>iLLiN'(!s. Oh dear! I don't want to see it! 

r)iLLiN{;s. You haven't got to stay! 

Mrs. Batti-:i!Son. Oh dear! Dreadfiil. 

Mrs. Billings. Come, mamma. 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes, yes! (Mrs. Batterson 
and Mrs. Billings hurry into their own room up 

K. C.) 

Datiiis. Zhe photograph — which was not you. 
You will now be so good to return eet to me? 

Johnson. "Will I? 

Dathis. Zthat ees mine ! (crossing excitedly over 
to R. c. and both speaking up to Billings on packing 
case) You took it from me — you hand eet to hem — 
he now keeps it. 

Jghnson. Do you wami to fight^me for it? 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON KH 

Dathis. (angrily — hissed ovt hettveen his teeth) 
Eef YOU should be zthe man who betray me I v-would 
fight— whatever you should be ! But for uossing else 
v-woukl I stoop so low to iight wisih zthe overseer 
of a plantation. 

JoHxsoN. (loiu savage tone) What's that? 

Dathis. An' eef zthis gentleman should take 
my advice, he wonld no longer retain sucli an eenso- 
lent eanaille on hees place! 

Johnson, (hoiling with rage) Whose place? 

Dathis. Hees place ! You can understand me — 
no? 

Johnson. What do you mean? What — (chokes) 
This is my place. Do ye hear? 

Dathis. (appealing to Billings) He says before 
you zhat zhis place belong to him. 

(Billings regards Dathis calmly from his perch on 
the chest or table.) 

Johnson. You crazy fool — where do you think 
you are? 

Dathis. (violently going up to Billings) Is 
not zhis plantation yours? 

Billings, (shaking head — spealcs as if a matter 
of course) No. (Innocently, looking at Dathis 
with quiet surprhe that he should suggest such a 
thing) 

Dathis. Eet is not! Eet is not! 

Billings. Say — what's the matter with you, any- 
way. 

(Dathib stands thunderstruck. Johnson looks at 
Dathis a moment tvith the utmost contempt, 
and then begins half audible voice, almost too 
excited to speak.) 

Johnson, (bus.) What the — where the— oh. 



102 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

(bus.) I'll let him know whose place it is. {Stag- 
gers up to window) This is sretting too devilish 
strong for my blood, (and he strides off at ivindow 
in such a manner as to give the impression that he is 
not going anywhere in particular — hut raving around 
general! g. Datiiis stands motionless still. Bil- 
lings calmly regarding him while he smokes, then 
reaches for a magazine on dresser and reads it.) 

Dathis. (suddenly coming to himself, glares at 
Billings) What ees zthis? (Billings looks up 
from paper and regards Dathis pleasantly) This 
])laee belons^ to him ! And I have been sleeping — un- 
dair his roof. 

Billings. Looks like it — if you slept, (readi^ 
paper) 

Dathis. Sacraman bleu! {goes tjuickly down to 
I., of table) This oes more than T — (tnrns and 
sees ladies enter) 

(Enter Mrs. Battkrson followed by Mrs. Billings 
from their room, looking in rather timidly. 
They see that Johnson is gone, and com.e on, 
looking questioningly at Billings, and uficer- 
tainly nt Dathis.) 

Dathis. {seeing ladies, addresses them standing 
L. of table) You shall pardon me — I ask you to ex- 
plain zhis thing! (ladies stand startled — retiring 
slightly before Dathis excited on set) Since from 
you I am told the place belongs to heem ! (pointing 
at Billings, who is reading) 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Explain — ■ 
T_i don't 

Dathis. (hurrying excitedly on) Zthe place is 
not hees — it belongs to that fellow Johnson ! 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (greatly 
surprised) Belongs to — why what do you mean? 

Dathis. (excitedly) Zhatiseet! Zhat is eet! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 103 

Mrs. Billings, x^ugustus. Do you hear that? 

(Mrs. Billings is next to Billings during scene. 
All look toward Billings. Billings is finish- 
ing a sentence and does not look up.) 

Mrs. Batterson. He says — you don't own this 
place. 

(Billings after an instant's pause to finish article, 
looks up and at the others inquiringly.) 

Billings. Says what ! 

Mrs. Billings. Why, that this place here — this 
whole pla-ce — helongs to Mr. Johnson. 

Billings. That's right. (Mrs. Batterson and 
Mrs. Billings draw in their breaths in surprise mak- 
ing a gaspy exclamation) 

Billings. Sold it to him last night. (Billings 
now puts away paper — sits calmly smoking, and 
pleasantly regarding the others) 

Mrs. Batterson. Sold it? 

Mrs. Billings. Sold it? 

Dathis. (excitedly approaching Billings) 
Eet seems to me, sir — I — (stops, too indignant to 
speak — turns to go off) I shall find out who is to 
blame for zhis ! Whoever eet ees — it will not be well 
for heem ! 

(Exit at 'window. Mrs. Batterson stands looking 
at Billings in astonishment and indignation.) 

Mrs. Billings, (to Billings) Why, what are 
we — are you going to take us home, Augustus? 

Billings. Take you anywhere you say. 

Mrs. Billings. Mercy! How soon do we have 
to start? 

Billings, (looks at watch) Half an hour. 



104 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mhs. BiLLiXGS. (going toward their door up R. c.) 
Dear nie — I'll have to pack up some — (hreal') 
Come, maaiia — we'll barely have time to 

{E.rit Mrs. Billixgs hurriedly up u. c. Mus. 
Batter.sox goes to Billings and f/Jare>i at him. 
in siJrnre an instant.) 

^Ins. Battkrsox. I regard this a< a most siiiLnilfir 
pjTceeding, ^Ir. liillings. 

Billixcs. That's all right. 

Mrs. Battersox. I'm not so sure tliat it is all 
light I {lunnhes off at donrway up n. c. As &ttr 
ifoes) You seem to have lost your senses — that's 
wliat I think about it. (ftr. slams door shut after 
her) - 

(Enftr .Jojixsox nt uiudau' up left, lie comes 
plunging into the room as though he had ju^l 
rrmemherrd something. ) 

Joiixsox. {fhreateningJi/ to liiLi.iN<;s. irho is 
.■•till seated up c.) Here! You. Faddish! ( BlL- 
ltxgs gazes at Jothxsox ralmJij and pleasanthj) He 
wasn't the only one I You struck me, by Cain ! You 
stnick me here before the whole crowd of them ? 

BiLLTXGs. Yes. You don't wont to forget that 
either. 

JoHXSOX. [shal'ing his fist in Billixgs* fare) 
Forget it — look here you I I don't care whose father 
vou are ! You're goin' to settle with me for that I 

Billixgs. See here, Johnson — if you kiss my wife 
asrain I'll smack vou across the head again— don't 



make anv mistake about that 



JoHXSOX. ^^'hat are you talking about? 

Billixgs. Talking about smashing you across the 
s — skull — not very pleasant — but have to talk about 
these things once in a while vou know. 



TOO MLXH JOHNSON 105 

JoHxsox. Kissed your wife! 

BiLLiXGs. That's what I said. 

Johnson. It's a cursed lie! 

BiLLiyf;s. Lie! Wliat do you mean? 

JoHXsox. Whv savs I kissed her? Who savs 
«)? 

BiLLiXGS. I say so. 

JoHxsoxy. Wei], I say, you don't know what 
you're talkinsr about, {taking stage R.) 

BiLLixGs. All right ! 

Jonxsox". You ain't able to prove it! 

BiLLiXGs. Think not? Who was in the room at 
the time? 

JoTix'sox'. Tliey was all in here — {goes to l. 1 e. 

niirl rolls off) Come in here you! Yes, you! Come 
here ! 



{Enter Faddish, Leox'oea and ^Iackixtosh — with 
worJc as before, and with some trepidation. 
They stand in line near door.) 

JoHxsox. (roughly) He says I kissed his wife 
liere — yesterday, {looks at YABDh^ party. Faddish 
party looks hlankly at him) You know well enough 
it's a cursed lie — it was his daughter I kissed ! 

Faddish. Oh no — {shakes head) You — ^you— 
(Leox'ora and Mackix'tosh shake heads) 

JoHXSox-. Well — what ! 

Faddish. I'm — I'm very sorry, sir, — but you — 
you did ! 

Jonxsox". {stops thunderstruck, looks at Leonora 
<7«^ Mackix'tosh) His wife! 

(JoHXsox stands an instant glaring at Faddish 
party. Faddish blinking at him meekly, 
Leox'oea looking at him with hatred and de- 
fiance^ — yet not too pronounced to be natural. 
She t5 timid at th£ same time. MliCKTNTOSH 



106 'I'OO MUCH JOHNSON 

also look-s with bitterness at Johnson, and 
stands as if ahuost ready to challenge him to 
comhat. Johnson brief pause. Suddenly turns 
up and strides loirard door up u. c.) 

JoiiNsox. (as he starts) Hero I I'll soon <ettl(> 
\hh. {kno(i:s riolently at door up R. c.) 

Mhs. Bii.i.r.\(s. (Jr(ni! inside) Well! What (1<> 
you wan( ? 

Johnson. I want you to eome out here! There's 
something I want to know! (Faddish, Leonoiu 
and Mackintosit lam as if to go off at left door. 
Johnson sees them start) You wait here! (goes 
down toward them quickly — thus crossing Billings 
tu L.) I'll have this settled! {Enter M«s. Batter- 
son and Mi{s. Billin(;s up \i. with some alarm. 
Johnson turns and goes toward them — roughly) 
What I wajit to know is this 

l)iL]yiN( :-. [sliding easily off chest or table and 
heading off' Johnson as he start.s from l. c. towards 
ladies up H. c.) Hold on, Johnson. Now w^ait — now 
wait — now wait- — (Johnson stops) I think it's just 
as well after what's occurred for you to discontinue 
addressing remarks to these ladies, (after looking 
at Johnson an instant in silence, he turns totvard 
.Mus. ]")ATTKi{S()\ and Mrs. Billings) This man 
Johnson claims to l)e ignorant of the fact that he 
attempted to kiss my wife in this room yesterday 
afternoon. Will you kindly state, to the best of your 
knowledge and belief whether he did or did not. 

Mrs. BattiiRson. He certainly did ! 

^[rs. Billincs. Well I should think so! 

(Johnson goes hack of chair r. of table for support.) 

BiLUNGS. (after pause for effect) Might be just 
as well, Johnson, for you to be a little more careful 
in the future, (a look at him) You're not the only 



TOO MaCEI JOHNSON 107 

man on earth. (Pause) No, not the only one! 
There's a few of us left yet. (after a slight wither- 
ing and stony stare at Johnson turns to Mrs. Bat- 
TERSON and Mrs. Billings) Come, my dear! 

(Takes Mrs. Batterson hy the arm and leads her off 
through door up R. followed hy Mrs. Billings, 
who sweeps out haughtily with a withering lool- 
at Johnson. Pause: Johnson stands stupefied, 
gazing at door where Billings and the ladies 
made their exit. Faddish party remain a mo- 
ment looking at the said door, and after that at 
Johnson. Soon Johnson starts and comes to 
himself. Then pinches himself to see if he is 
awake or dreaming — then turns and glares at 
Faddish paH?/. Faddish immediately begins 
brushing hard at shoe in his hand. Seems to 
form, a sudden resolution — -walks rapidly up c. 
and pours out a glass of brandy with trembling 
eager hand) (Faddish, Leonora and Mack- 
intosh start again as if to exit at left door.) 

Johnson, (just raising glass to drink — or just in 
act of drinking. Stops) Wait! (Faddishes ^fo/?) 
(Johnson finishes drink, walks about a little in 
silence/ then comes down to Fabthsh party) 

Johnson. Was I full yesterday? 

Faddish. I really don't know, sir. 

Johnson. Well, what do you know? (to Fad- 
dish) See here ! If ever you see me try to kiss that 
old woman again, run a fork into me! Anything! 
(strides across to R. and up stage — a pause, then goes 
down to them., indicating in a rough way — hy glances 
at door up R. u. that he is going to speak confi- 
dentially) Here! I want to ask you something! 
(motioning to chairs) Seddown! 

Faddish, (quite encouraged — smiling and simper- 
ing) Yes — thank you. (motioning Leonora to 



108 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

seat) To Leonora) Ha, ha! He asks us to sit 
down! 

(Faddish takes chair r. of table and goes c. with it. 
Leonora does the same with chair l. of table. 
Mackintosh brings stool from corner l. 1 e. 
They all sit in line c. Johnson has got chair 
from near head of lounge. Suddenly turns on 
chair and sees Faddishes seated by him. Leo- 
nora sits in the middle. Faddish next to John- 
son) 

Johnson. Now. Of course you can tell me about 
these Faddishes ! 

Faddish. About — about {stop dumbfounded) 

Johnson, {roughly) You belong to the family, 
don't you ? 

Faddish. But, sir — I — you 

Johnson. Now what you want to do is to give 
it to me straight! I'll make it worth your while! 
(Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh simply look 
asto7iished) 

Faddish. I — ha — ha — {simper) er — What did 
you want to know about us? 

Johnson. {Jool-ing around to see he is not over- 
heard) Is the family all right? That's what I 
want to know ! 

Faddish. All right! 

Leonora. Well, I declare! 

Johnson. There's something queer! Curse me 
if I can make it out. 
Faddish. Queer, sir? 

Johnson. Yes, queer! Any fool can see that! 
If the family's alright I marry the girl! If it 

ain't 

Faddish, {grasping his hand and shaking it) 
Oh my dear sir — (Faddish continues, shaking 
Johnson's hand vigorously during speech and show- 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 109 

ing his dcJir/lit. Johnson lools at him thoroughly 
hored) I'm so greatly relieved to hear you allude 
to the — er — marriage. I began to think there might 
be some mistake 

Johnson, (pullino away) That's enough ! 

Faddish. As the family — since you ask me, I feel 
at liberty to assure you that it is one of the first in 
the whole Province of Quebec — one of the first, sir. 

Johnson. Tt is. eh? 

Faddish. Oh, there can't be any doubt about it, 
sir! 

Johnson. Ugh! ^^Tiat about the girl, eh? 

Faddish. What about — what about 

Leonora. Well, upon my word. 

Johnson. What's the matter with ye. Crazy 
loons ! ! 

Faddish. Of course I— well if you — (talcing 
Johnson down stage) My dear sir, it gives me 
great pleasure to assure you that she is a perfect 
treasure, sir ! A perfect treasure ! 

Johnson. Oh, you think so, do you? 

Faddish. I'm sure of it ! And certainly I ought 
to know if anyone ! 

Johnson. You kuow her prettv well, do you? 

Faddish. Know her— well, I hope so. 

Johnson. D — d. I don't care what you hope! 
Do you? 

Faddish. E — yes, sir. I do ! 

Johnson. Well, what's the use of all this beating 
about the bush — (Johnson pushes Faddish on 
one side and goes up) You can say what you think 
I suppose. I'm going to pay you for it. {coming 
down near Leonora) Now about Faddish himself 
— isn't he a little off, ^h ! (sits next to Leonora. 
and addresses her) There's something devilish 
strange about him ! ! 

(Leonora rises and moves away from Johnson to 



110 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

L. Mackintosh comes next to Johnson, i^' /to 
has also risen) 

Johnson. Hoav is it. (Lkonoka rises and trips 
away) Oh, you needn't be afraid, I ain't going to 
let that stand in the way — I can get rid of him easy 
enough. (tvr7is sharply round to Faddish, who 
stands r.) Come, speak up! What about Faddish, 
eh? 

(Faddish gives a someivhat helpless glance toward 
Leonora, looks at Johnson. Makes an at- 
tempt to speak. FinaUy gets out a few words) 

Faddish. If you — if you insist, sir — I- 



JoHNsoN. {suspicio?is aromed by Faddish's 
hesitation) What's the matter with ye? Is there 
something wrong? 

Faddish, (hastily) Oh no! no indeed, sir! 

Johnson. Sure he's all straight, are ye? 

Faddish. Oh yes — perfectly so, sir ! Believe me! 

Johnson. Very well then! I'll marry the girl. 

Faddish, (embracing Johnson) Oh, my dear 
sir, I 

Johnson, (throwing him off) What's the matter 
with ye. Clear out! All of ye! (motioning them 
all toirard door left) I've got to square it with 
him — we've been having a kind of a row. (taking 
chair to head of sofa. Starts up toward door up r. c. 
Stops and turns) Don't you hear me! Get out of 
this ! Go to work ! 

Faddish, (doubtfully) How — how very strange 
it all is. Come, my child. (Faddish, Leonora and 
Mackintosh go toward door left) 

IjEONORA. Oh — I can't marry that awful creature ! 

Mackintosh. You shan't marry her! 

Leonora, (bus.) Oh, Harry! 

Johnson. Here ! (Johnson suddenly looks rounds 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON m 

Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh exit l. 1 b. 
with start, and all humping up against each other. 
After exit of Faddishes, Johnson looks after them 
a moment. Then he looks toioard door up R. C. 
Then turns and takes another drink, pouring out 
hrandif feverishly. Then he goes to door up R. C. 
about to knock loudly, suddenly pauses, and decides 
to knock very softly, lohich he does three times, 
waiting for answer each time, and each time knock- 
ing a little louder than before. Billings opens 
door of room up R. c. and stands motionless, calmly 
waiting for Johnson to speak. Johnson doesn't 
,<eem to know how to begin) Come out here a min- 
ute, can't ye? 

(Johnson goes down l. c. as if wishing Billings 
to follow. Billings — after short pause, enters, 
closes door and goes down to R. of Johnson. 
There is an air of nonchalant coldness about 
him. Johnson stares and they stand regard- 
ing one another) 

Johnson, {huskily. Blurts it out stammeringly) 
Say! I'd just as soon apologize for (Bil- 
lings stops Johnson ivith gesture and shake of 
head) 

Billings. If you — wish to do us a favor, Mr. 
Johnson, Ijc so kind us to furnish us a conveyance to 
the wharf. If this is asking too much, we can walk. 

Johnson. You mean the thin^ is off? 

Billings, (stony look at Johnson before answer- 
ing) That was the impression I intended to convey! 

Johnson, (sudden forces shaking fist at Bil- 
lings) No, sir! She don't leave this place ! (Bil- 
lings looks at him) 

Billings. Think so, eh? 

Johnson. You try it and see what I think ! It^s 
all arranged and agreed, and I'm goin' ter hold ye to 



112 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

it ! You may go away from hero — but she don't — 
can make up your mind to that! See here now! 1 
apologize ! 

BiLLiX(js. {tiiruiu;/ away to i\. and walking r. c. 
c/.s- if angry) Oh — apologize! {stands w. c. — cigar 
ill right liand) 

JoiiNsox. If you and your old woinau want to 
.iro you can — but she don't! {a new idea) Here! 
That steamer ain't sailing for three quarters of an 
hour! — ]\q got a team o' bays '11 get you there in 
fifteen minutes — gives us half an hour for the mar- 
riage — tliat's all the time we want — and then von 



( liiLi.iNcs turns, louks at doiixsox an instant.) 

HiLLiNcs. Fast team you say? 

fI()]iNso\. Beats anything this end o' tlie island ! 

BlLTjX(rS. Ot us there in fifteen minutes? 

Johnson. Easy! 

Billings, (grasping Johnson's Jiand) It goes! 

Johnson. Good ! We won't wa^te a minute ! 
Notary — he's here now — waiting. (Johnson hurries 
to door at tcft — shouts off at door l. 1 e.) Send in 
that not^iry will ye ? Here ! Looton ! Come in here ! 
Blodgett — you git us a table! 

(Johnson from now on to end of piece must he 
played very rapidly) 

{Enter Faddish at l.) 

Fadmsh. My name sir, is not 

Johnson. Xo matter what it is — ^}'ou bring us a 
table, do ye hear? (Faddish goes for table on stage 
l.) This is for the marriage. 

^ Enter Mr. S. Looton, a Notary and Justice, at 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 113 

L. 1 E. He brings papers, etc., for signing of 
contract. 

JoHNsox. Here, Looton ! (meeting him) We've 
got to do the thing up lively, so he can ketch the 
steamer out this morning. 

LooTOX. (hoarse croak) Yes! Yes! 

(Faddish brings table centre. Arrange to have no 
wait for table — everything hurried. Billings 
stands coolly regarding the preparations.) 

Johnson, (hurrying over to Faddish, so that he 
nearly joins his speeches) Now take that bell you 
see over there, and go outside and ring it! (point- 
ing to large dinner bell on dresser up c. Looton 
puts contract on table) Eing it! You under- 
stand!! (loud yell) 

(Faddish gets bell and exits at tvindow ringing it) 

Looton. Where your man leave my '^ bolsa " ? 

Johnson". How do I know? You go and ask him. 
Here. Where did you put that contract? 

LooTON. (pointing) Contract there on table. 
(LooTON exits l. 1 e.) 

Billings. What's that bell for? 

Johnson, (coming down to him r. c.) That's 
to call in the hands. 

Billings. Was it a mis-deal? 

Johnson, (expostulating at the joke) Here I 
say! Come now! That's to call the niggers in. 

Billings. Do you mean to say you're going to 
have the niggers in here? 

Johnson. Certainly! They can sing and I'm 
going to have some music. Now look here I'll go and 
see to that team. Don't you worry — we'll get you 
there! (pointing to contract on table) Just cast 



114 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

your eye over that contract — if it ain't right, by 
Cain, we'll make it right! (shaking Billings by 
the hand) lliat's the kind of a man I am! {and 
hurried exit at windoiv) 

BiLLiNcs. {after Johnson's exit coming down 
to table c.) Oh well, if he gets me a lively team, 
that's all 1 want! {takes up contract and reads) 
" Marriage settlement — Joseph Hadbury Johnson 
and Leonora Aliza Faddish." (Billings sits on 
table) This must be the marriage contract. 

( Mifs. UiLi.ixcs conies on front door up u. crosses. 
Looks anxiously to see that Billings isi alone, 
then (omes down to ]\. of him nf table.) 

.Mns. Bn.LiN(;s. Augustus! Ah! I'm so glad t^ 
have a chance to speak to you alone, dear. It seems 
as if there's always something in the way — and there 
are so many . . . and such tnuihle . . . Ah, I don't 
know {anxiously looking about) 

l>ii.T,iN(;s. I'm almost afraid you're not enjoying 
this trip. 

Mrs. Hillings. Enjoying it! Mercy! I should 
say not ! What that man going on the way he does — 
and the duels — and your trouble with him — and Oh, 
Tm so glad you've sold out and we can go home. 
Nfama, says she thinks there's something peculiar 
about it, but 1 don't care if I can only get you away 
where he can't do you any harm ! 

Billings. Say! You needn't worrv about me. 
I'm all right! 

Mrs. Billings. But 1 can't help it, dear. Why, 
the man's simply a savage beast. How do I know 
what he might do to you! (Billings puts down 
cigar and looks at Mrs. Billings an instant then 
takes her hand) 

Billings. Say! That was a pretty solid thing 
you did yesterday ! By Jove t 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 115 

Mrs. Billings. Why, what do you mean? 

Billings. When you jumped in between Johnson 
and me, — that time he was pulling a gun on me. 

Mrs. Billings. But, Augustus, the man was 
goirg to shoot you! (plaintive MUSIC begins) 

Billings. That's what I mean ! (Billings /ooLs- 
dovn a1 her hand) 

Mrs. Billings. Why, that was nothing, he 
wouldn't have dared to shoot me. (pause) But if 
I knew he would, don't you suppose I'd do it just the 
sar^e. (pause) You know I would!! 

Billings. That's right! (l-isses her hand) 

Mrs. Billings. Why, what are you kissing my 
hand for, dear? 

Billings, (after a moment's pause and looking 
af her) Ah well! Guess we'd better leave it that 
way just now. 

Mrs. Billings. How strange you do act lately! 
Sometimes I'm almost afraid you don't care for me 
any more. You do, don't you, dear? 

Billings, (after a pause) Well, what do you 
think? 

{LoOTON enters hurriedly. MUSIC stops.) 

Mrs. Billings, (seeing him) What is that man 
here for? 

Billings. Little matter of business that's all! 

(Enter Mrs. Batterson from door up R. c. bringing 
on shawl.) 

Mrs. Batterson. (coming down) Mrs. Billings ! 
I want you to put this in your trunk. There isn't 
room in^ (stops on seeing Looton) 

LooTON. (l. c.) Ah! parties to coiita*act? 
Parties, eh? 

Mrs. Batterson. Contract! 



116 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

LooTON. Oh, yes — (sitting l, of table and tak- 
ing up contract) You sign contract now! 

Mrs. Battersox. What contract are we going to 
sign, pray? 

BiLLiXGS. ^^lat do you supix)se? Sold the place, 
got to sign the deed, you know. 

Mrs. Battersox. Oh, that's it! {going up) 
Come, dear help me put this in your trunk. 

Mrs. Btllixgs. {at door up r. c. to Billings, 
who has followed them up) Tell us when it's time 
to go, Augustus ! 

I^ILLTXGS. I'll look out for that ! 

^Irs. Billings. And do be careful when you're 
with tliat man ! 

(BiLLTXGS closes door. Enter Leonora and ^Iack- 
iXTOSTi frow L. 1 E.) 

Leoxor^v. (seeing Billixgs) There he is! 

Mackixtosii. I'd like to speak to you a moment, 
Mr. Billings. 

Billixgs. (coming down to them l.) That's all 
right ! 

Leoxora. I've got to be married to that dreadful 
creature — and I'd rather die ! 

Mackintosh. What I want to know is — whether 
you can help us or not — that's all ! 

Billixgs. Like to, of course, but I've got about 
all I can carry just now. 

Mackixtosii. Then I'll send him the challenge! 

Leoxora. NTo! Xo! 

Mackixtosh. It's the only thing left to do! 

Billixgs. Not at all ! You just keep quiet ! Let 
the thing ,s:o on — don't say a word — dare say I'll hit 
on something! 

Leonora. Will you ! Oh, you're so good ! 

Mackintosh. Do you think there's any way out 
of it? : 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 117 

Billings. There's a way out of everything — ^all 
you've got to do is to strike it ! 

Mackintosh. We owe you a debt of gratitude, 
sir. (shaling Billing's hand) 

Billings. That's all right! (send them off 

L. 1 E.) 

(At their exit Johnson pushes Faddish across iviti- 
doiv ringing hell — then comes quickly down to 
Billings. ) 

Johnson. Team's out there now — ready for you. 

Billings. Out there? Out by the door? That 
lively one you spoke, of ? 

Johnson. Yes ! 

Billings. Say ! Can't your man take our trunks 
out by the window ? The team is right there ! 

Johnson, {starting toward l. 1 e.) Yes! I'll 
speak to one of the men about it. I'll see Fred. 
{as he goes off) Here you! Fred! Come here, 
etc., etc. {exit l. 1 e. .4s Johnson goes of ne- 
groes appear across window) 

Billings. {s.eeing negroes) Here, come here! 
(they come down to him) Did you hear that bell? 

Xegroes. Yes, sah — ^yes, sah ! 

Billings. Well, there's a cyclone coming. 

Xegroes. Cyclone, sah ! ! 

Billings. Yes, Mr. Johnson says so. He's out 
there working on it now. {negroes all look paralyzed) 
Now look here. When you hear that bell, run away, 
drive all the horses out of the barn as quick as you 
can and don't stop for anything. 

Xegroes. (rush off at window) Yes, sah, yes, 
sah ! {as negroes go off Johnson re-enters hur- 
riedly from L. 1 E.) 

Johnson, {to Looton) Is the papers all fixed? 

(Johnson picks up contract^ and looks at them; 



118 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs enter from 
fheir room.) 

Mrs. Battersox. {as she enters) What did that 
bell mean? 

Mrs. Billings. Yes. 

(Billings seeing ladies goes toward them.) 

JoHXSox'. {to Indies and speal-ing very qnicl'hi 
all through, following scene) That's to call in the 
niggers, ma'am — they can sing and I'm going to have 
music ! 

Mrs. Batiersox. Music? 

JoHNSOX^. Yes, ma'am. Sit down, {to ladies. 
Going over to l. 1 e.) Here, you, come in here! 
Stir around and fetch us up some chairs. (Joiin- 
sox' gets chair from under bookshelf. Leox^ora en- 
ters first, then Mackixtosh, bringing on chair. 
Faddesh enters from window with bell, which he 
places on dresser up c.) Wliere's them niggers? 

(Billings gets chair for Mrs. Billings from behind 
lounge. Mrs. Batterson sits on lounge) 

Mrs. Battersox. Why does the man want music 
perfonned during a real-estate transaction? 

Billixgs. Way they do in Cuba. 

Faddish. Ah, hern, yes — I suppose we shall sit 
on this side. 

(Faddish sits l. above Leonora on chair which 
Mackintosh has put. Leonora sits next to 
Faddish. Johnson has seated himself before 
this at table c. facing the audience. Mrs. Bat. 
on lounge. Mrs. Billings on chair near 
lo^mge. Billings stands near Mrs. Billings.) 

Mrs. Batterson. (indicating Faddish party on 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 119 

L.) Why do those people remain in the room? 

Killings. Have to have a witness to a deed, don't 
TO? 

t^OHXsox. (to Looton) Go on with it! Go on! 

LooTON. Hem? {dears throat — and reads) 
By these presents I hereby certify and declare, that 
there are come before me this day, one Joseph Had- 
bury Johnson of Santiago de Cuba — and 

Billings. Say! We know the parties. Don't 
waste time on that. 

Johnson. Yes ! Ha ! Ha ! We know the parties ! 
Read what they get, Looton ! 

Looton. (reading) And the said Johnson on 
his part, gives and makes over in fee simple uncon- 
ditionally, the sum of " Benticincho mil pessoo " — 
twenty-five thousand dollars in gold. 

Faddish, (springing to his feet and coming down 
and seizing Johnson's hand) Oh, mv friend, how 
generous of you — how 

Johnson, (throwing him off) Here, that'll do! 
Do you see that bell over there ! Well, go outside 
and ring it! Do you hear? 

(Johnson pushes him up stage to hell. Faddtsii 
goes off at ivindoio ringing hell.) 

Billings. There goes my cyclone ! 

Johnson, (at table again turning to Mrs. Bat- 
TERSON standing at table) Twenty-five thousand 
dollars ! ! in gold 

Mrs. Batterson. I wish to laiow, sir, if you con- 
sider that a fair price ? 

Johnson. Fair price! Fair pr (^o Billings) 

She must be 

Billings, (hreahing in on him) Yes, that's just 
what she is, old man, but don't stop for it now or 
we'll never get through, (hustles Johnson down 
to table again) 



120 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Jon X.SOX, (/o Looton) Goon! 

LooTox [reading) '"In addition to the above 
the said Johnson agrees as a mark of his respect and 
veneration, to give Mr. and Mrs. Faddish, the par- 
ents of his bride, a yearly allowance of fifty bags of 
'• caracaleo " coffee as long as they may live. 

Mks. Battersox. What on earth ha^ that Faddish 
cofiee got do with 

BiLLiX'os. (hrcafriuf/ in) Doesn't do you any 
harm, does it ? 

Joirxsox. What do von think of that last clanse. 
eh ? 

(Faddish re-enters froin irindotr. jiuU hell down on 
dresser, and. cones down to Mackintosh and 
Leoxoija. during following speeches Billings 
comes over to them, theg group around him 
fnU-ing.) 

Mrs. Battersox. I'm sure it's nothing to me I 

JoHX'sox". Nothing to — nothing to (aghast) 

Mrs. Battersox. What do I care what T do with 
A'our coffee? 

JoiiN^sox. (aMonished and indignant) You — 
you — fifty hags of — fifty b — (loud voice) Do you 
want the earth? 

Mrs. Battersox. Xo I And 1 don't want any- 
thing about annual allowances of coffee stuck in our 
contract, either. 1 siin]ily want the money due — 
that's all ! 

Johnson. Oh I That's all, is it? 

"Mrs. Batterson. That's all, sir ! And the sooner 
it's done the better. 

Johnson, (violently) T think so too — (hur- 
riedhj to Looton) Cross out that coffee!! (after 
crossing out coffee — seizes contract from table and 
shakes it at Mrs. Batterson. Rising in chair) 
There it is ! ! ! Just money, that's all ! ! ! 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON l^l 

BiLLixcs. Say! what's all this, Johnson? (Bil- 
lings has been standing talking to Faddish party) 
Here's this man Blodgett talking about some scheme 
on hand for you to marry his daughter ! 

(Mrs. Battekson, Mrs. Billings, Johnson, bus. 
of looking in surprise, etc.) 

Johnson. About what? What's that? 

Billings, (turning to Faddish) That's what 
you say, isn't it? 

Faddist]. Dear me, but my name isn't. 

Billings, {quickly) Xo matter what your name 
is — that's what you say. 

Faddish, {going down to Johnson at table) 
Why, dear me, yes. Wasn't it understood, sir, that 
— e — that you 

Johnson. {scarcely able to speak coherently) 
Marry her! 

Faddish. Why, dear me, sir — I thought it was 
all . 

Johnson, {throws Faddish off) It's a cursed 

lie! It's — it's {sends Faddish away from him. 

Faddish^06s up G.) 

Billings. And here's this young man says he's 
in love with the girl himself, {looks at Mackin- 
tosh) Am I correct in this? 

Mackintosli. Yes, sir, you are! 

Leonora. Oh, vl^ ! He is! 

Johnson. He! That^ — in love with her. (Mack- 
intosh and Leonora nod emphatically) Well, 
take her and clear out. That's all I ask. (Faddish 
stands aghast) 

Mrs. Batterson. Well, I declare. 

Johnson. Get her out of here, {to Faddish, who 
goes down to him, to expostulate. Throwing Fad- 
dish off) And you along with her — I've had enough 
of the whole Blodgett crowd, (turns to papers, etc., 
angrily) 



122 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

BiLLiNcs. (quick aside to Mackintosh and Leo- 
-VORA at ivindow) That's all right. All you've got 
to do is to light out. 

Leonora, {quickly) Yes, yes. 

Mac'KIXtosu. [quickly) Where shall we go? 

BiLLixcs. Go — why just — here — there's a team o' 
bays at tliat door. It's the only one left on tlie 
place. Juni}) on the cart, sit on a trunk and wait 
For me. 

(Pushes Leonora and Mackintosif through win- 
dow. Turns towards others carelessly. Saunters 
over to Mrs. Batterson.) 



Faddish, {going down again to Johnson) My 
dear sir! There must be some 

Johnson, {pushing him along) Clear out. 

Faddish. But — wait! Stop them. {hurries 
toward window up L. and calls off. Going out al 
window up L.) I'll call them back! There's some 
mistake — don't let them go. {exit Faddish at ivin- 
dow up L.) 

Johnson. Come. Where's those papers? Here! 
{takes pen and writes with a flourish) There's 
mine, {coming l. of table down a little) 

Billings, {picking up contract and glancing at 
it) Of course — that's yours, isn't it? 

{Enter Frederick hurriedly at l. 1 e.) 

FredI^rick. 'Ere's a packet for you just came in 
by the steamer, sir. {gives package to Johnson and 
e.vits again l. 1 e.) 

Johnson. Ugh! {takes package at once and 
begins to tear it open. Turning impatiently toward 
the ladies as he tears open the package) If she's 
going to sign the thing, why don't she do it? 

Billings. Don^t get excited,, old man, plenty of 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 12f3 

time, (brings Mrs. Billings down to table) Here 
you are. 

(Bus. of jamming pen into Mrs. Billings' hand. 
Mrs. Billings astonished at all this, Mrs. 
Batterson also.) 

Mrs. Batterson. (rising) Is she going to sign 
that thing? 

BiLLiNrs. (to Mrs. Batterson) Of course, 
wife always signs — in Cuba. 

(Pizzicato MUSIC begins. Billings getting ready 
for the move up stage.) 

Jo^TNsoN. (suddenly, in low, ominous tone) 

What's all this? 

(Billings looks calmly at Johnson. Ladies start 
and also look at Johnson. Slight pause. 
Johnson fiercely clutching and claiving over 
letters. Others watching.) 

Johnson, (breaking out again) Ha! Who's 
this returns my letters? 

(LooTON gets quickly from, chair l. of table to chair 
back of table. Billings gives a quick side look 
over Johnson's shoulder, then with adroit 
movement almost on Johnson's speech, whisks 
Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson, who are 
both standing at the time, up stage away from, 
Jolinson's vicinity. Make this and the look at 
letters almost one movement — yet not hurried.) 

Billings. Don't stand too near, (as he swings 
Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson up) 
Mrs. Billings. What's the matter? 



124 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Billings. Been drinking, that's all. 

Johnson, (coming to table, sits l. of table. Read- 
ing a letter) Clairette ! Clairette ! — returns my 
letters, does she? 

Billings. ^fy letters to Clairette! Signed, 
"Johnson." {to ladies) Better get your things — 
we want to go in a minute. 

{Bringing Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings 

quichhj to door of their room up R. Gets Mrs. 
BattI':rson a7id Mrs. Billings off at door r., 
quietly closes and locks it — and turns toward 
Johnson, putting key in his pocket.) 

Johnson, {bringing his fist down on table on 
word ''kill'') I'll kill the hound who played this 
game on me! (Looton jumps up on the word 
"kill" — gathers up his papers quickly and goes off 
at door r. 1 e. in terror) Some woman returns my 
letters, does she? {reads) "I send you the other 
])iece of your photograph — my husband has the rest." 
{flusters through letters) Other piece! Where's 
that other piece, {photograph drops to floor from 
letters. Johnson seizes it. After a glance at the 
piece of photograph ) Here ! This is the rest of that 
other one. (rising and feeling in his pockets. Bil- 
lings has walked quietly to window up left and off — 
partly out of sighl, hut as if lingering near. John- 
son pulls out the portion of photograph used by 
Dathis during Acts 1 and 2 and ivith shaking hands 
holds the two pieces together) 

Johnson, (a hoarse, savage yell) Ha! (he 
turns suddenly and strides up to door up R. at once 
pounding violently upon it) Here! You!! 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (outside 
up R. Calling in high voices together) What is it? 
What do you want? (Johnson tries to open door) 

Johnson, (pounding again) Open this door. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 125 

Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, {outside up 
R., after quicMy trying to open the door) We can t 

i't''s lof'KOCl 

■ Johnson. If vou don't open it, I will. (John- 
son breaks in door and rushes into room, ladies rush 
out screaming) 

Mrs. Batterson. Who do you want? 
Johnson. (appearing in doorway) Faddish! 
an' ril g-if'im too. 

■ Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (outside up 
R.) lie isn't here. 

Johnson. Try to fool me, will ye ? 
Mrs. Batterson. Mercy ! Is the man crazy !^ 
Johnson.' Where is he? Where is he, I say? 
Mrs. Batterson. (all very rapid along here) 

We don't know. ^r . at i 

Mrs Billings, (shaking head) :No! JNo! 
Johnson. I'll find him— wherever he is— leave 

me alone for that. (starting toward door left) 

Here! Fred! (Exit at door left) Where did 

Faddish go ? 

(A crash outside at Johnson's exit as though he had 
hiched over something.) 

(Ladies tvatch Johnson off in same consternation. 
Enter Billings at window up L., sauntering on 
leisurely. Ladies turn quicUy, seeing Bill- 
ings.) 

Mrs. Billings, (meet Billings l. c.) Mercy! 
Did you see that man ! 

Billings. Yes-^aw 'im. 

Mrs Batterson. Why, the creature s a maniac. 

Billings. Nothing to wait for, is there? Better 
ffet your things! 

Mrs. Billings. yes-^here.- (going toward 
door up R.) ril get my 



126 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

Mrs. Battekson. (almost with Mrs. Billings) 

Yes, right on tlie table (also goes hurriedly up 

to door up R.) I'm sure I'll be glad to leave this 
place. 

(Billings strolls quietly over l., loolcs around to 
make sure that no one is about — then lualJcs 
down to table, sees letters, etc., which Johnson 
has left there — picks up letters from, table, puts 
them in his pockets. Then sees pieces of photo- 
graph, takes up two halves, looks at them a mo- 
ment, then puts them together — a crash heard 
off L. Billings quickly puts photo in pocket 
and goes up stage. Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. 
Billings re-enter at door up r. almost im- 
mediately for bus., is very short — ivith satchels, 
parasols, etc. They hurnedly hand them to 
Billings, who takes them as if mei-ely starting 
out for pleasure drive.) 

Mrs. Billings. There — (bus. of handing Bil- 
lings) We're all ready. 

Billings. Where's your other glove? 

Mrs. Billings. Oh dear, (looks about — picks it 
up) Here it is — I^t him carry that, mama! 

Mrs. Batterson. (hwriedly) Yes, let him take 
them all — come, hurry, dear. (going towards 
window) This way! Come! Come before he gets 
back ! 

Billings. Team's out here, (indicating door 
down R.) 

Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson. (hurrying 
to door down r. 1 e. and passing Billin'gs) Yes^ 
yes! Come dear. Yes, mama! 

Mrs. Batterson. Yes, come dear. Hurry, qviick. 

(Both ladies running quickly over to R. 1 E. Meis. 
Batterson exits.) 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 127 

Mrs. Billings, (at door) What time does the 
l)oat leave? 

Billings. Ten ! 

Mrs. Billings. Dear me — why it's nearly that 
now! Do hurij! (exit Mrs. Billings door r. 1 e.) 

Billings, {glancing at his ivatch with some slight 
difficulty — owing to package he is carrying) Oh, I 
guess we'll make it all right. 

Billings exits R. 1 e. MUSIC segues from pizzi- 
cato to — ''Hurry/' Noise of carriage starting, 
whip cracking. Enter Dathis from window, 
strides across to R.) 

Dathis. (looking round) I shall see heem be- 
for I leave zthis place, (starts toward door r. 1 E.) 

(Enter Faddish half crazy at door r. 1 e., meeting 
Dathis) 

Faddish, (breathless — almost wringing his hands) 
Somebody stop them ! Somebody stop them ! 
They're all in the carriage — I — oh 

Dathis. Who is eet? 

Faddish. Come ! — We can hold the horses ! (goee 
to door u. 1 E.) We must not let them go! (as 
he exits) We came here for the marriage! (exit 
door R, 1 E.) 

(Enter Johnson at window, boiling with wrath.) 

Johnson, (entering at window, sees Dathis, 
rushes down to table c.) I've found the man that's 
played this game on us ! ! 

Dathis. (coming to him at table) Who is eet? 

Johnson. Came here to marry his daughter to 
me. 

Dathis. Faddish ! (Feederick enters from door 

L. 1 E.) 



128 TOO MUCH JOHNSON 

JoHxsox. Where's his damned picture (look-. 

ing all over iahle for it) 

Datiiis. Never mind ze picture 1 1 {rushes ojf 
\i. 1 E.) 

Johnson, {turns, sees Frederick) Here, you 
fool! {putting hands around Frederick's throat). 
Where's Faddish? Tell me or I'll choke the life out 
of ye! 

Frederick. He's gone, sir! 

Johnson, {releasing Frederick) Gone!! 

Frederick. Yes, sir! He's just drove off like 
mad with tlie team of bays — down the road, sir! 

Johnson. Saddle my mare, quick ! 

Frp:derick. The mare's gone witli the rest of 
'em. 

Johnson. Whereto? 

Frederick. They was all driven off on account of 
the cyclone ! 

Johnson. (going to strike him in l. corner) 
Cyclone! .\re you crazy? 

Dathis. {outside) Here is ze man! 

Frederick. He's got him, sir. {painting off lo 

R. 1 E.) 

Dathis. {dragging Faddish on from r. 1 e.) 
1 hav(^ heem here ! ! ! 

JoiTNSON. (rushes at Faddish, who is in a heap 
on floor, sees his face just as he goes to strike him 
and stops) That's not Faddish!' That's Blodgett, 
vou fool ! ! 

Dathis. Blodgett!!! 

Faddish, {between them) No! My name is 
not Blodgett! I'm Faddish! 

Dathis. Ah ! 

Johnson. Eh? Then who's that other? 

Faddish and Dathis. He's Billings! 

Johnson. Billings? Did I marry his daughter? 

Faddish. No! It was my daughter! 

Dathis. He has no daughter. Zat was 'ees wife. 



TOO MUCH JOHNSON 1^9 

Joii^isoN. Wife I Wife 1 1 {to Fabdisu ) You're 
Faddish ! 

Faddish. Yes! 

Johnson. Then your daughter was the one I 

Faddish. Yes I 

Johnson. Where is she? 

Faddish. Gone! Gone with Billings! (Johnson 
hangs fist on table. Johnson kicks at Frederick) 

Dathis. Was it ees picture you have — ze man 
who betray me? 

Johnson. Y^es ! ! 

Dathis. Billings ? 

Johnson and Faddish. Billings! 

Dathis. There is but one thing left to do ! 1 

Johnson and Faddish. One thing to do! 

All. Find Billings! {aU shaking pMs in air. 
toirards audience) 

CURTAIN 



JAN' 29 191? 



^ 
o^ 



LBAp'l2 



N 



do Much Johnson 



ILLIAM GILLETTE 




FRENCHS STANDARD UBRARYEDITlOH 



W^ 




tJEL FRENGH, 2S-30 West 38th St., New York 






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